How A Sausage Roll Will Save Your Life (this magpie season)

By 21 October, 2011 17

magpie

Schadenfreude
scha•den•freu•de [shahd-n-froi-duh]
Noun
Satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortune.

Magpies are schadenfreuden sunsubitches!

You can see it in their beady little eyes, and as the weather warms up so too does their appetite for causing fear and panic in the streets.

Having spent most of my life being unfairly targeted by these spring demons of the sky, I had come to terms with the fact that one day I would lose an eye to a wing. But that acceptance doesn’t mean that I don’t throw my arms above my head every time I see a bird’s shadow.

A few days ago I was walking through Garema Place eating lunch on the move when a bastard magpie flew from a tree and onto a bench 10 metres to my left. 10 metres is a fair distance but that didn’t stop me from falling into the foetal position and screaming abuse at the flying bully. The magpie, satisfied that he had successfully made me look like an idiot in the middle of the city, flew away and I rose to my feet and brushed the sausage roll from my shirt.

“It’s da food it wants. Dem tings’ll do anyfing for a sausage roll.” Said a pirate looking lady with a funny lisp.
I thanked her for the advice and headed back to the bakery from which I came.

“Another sausage roll please” said I.

“Another one? You are a hungry boy!” said baker.

“It’s not for me” said I.

I walked onto the street with my sausage roll, scanned the skies, then scanned the street.

“Hey you! Small child! I’ll give you a sausage roll if you walk back to my office with me” said I.

“Ok” said the trusting child.

“Great. You walk 7 meters ahead of me with the sausage roll in the air and I’ll just tag along”.

Success. I learnt a valuable lesson. Magpies swoop for two reasons. One, to make us feeble humans look stupid in defence. Two, for sausage rolls. Sausage rolls trump embarrassment.

And, it turns out that I’m a schadenfreuden sunuvubitch too!

Dear Canberrans, I implore you, don’t leave your home this spring without a sausage roll to give to a friendly pedestrian who’s walking your way.

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17 Responses to How A Sausage Roll Will Save Your Life (this magpie season)
#1
Bluey4:25 pm, 21 Oct 11

Had a magpie sit at my feet in gungahlin this week whilst I was eating a pie. No amount of noises, gestures or foot stomping would make it leave. So i walked to the other side of the paved area between wokitup and crust and sat down to finish my pie. The damn thing flew at me at speed mere centimetres from the ground before once again, sitting at my feet.

People must be feeding them scraps and now they feel entitled. damn birds.

#2
Mysteryman4:58 pm, 21 Oct 11

Bluey said :

Had a magpie sit at my feet in gungahlin this week whilst I was eating a pie. No amount of noises, gestures or foot stomping would make it leave. So i walked to the other side of the paved area between wokitup and crust and sat down to finish my pie. The damn thing flew at me at speed mere centimetres from the ground before once again, sitting at my feet.

People must be feeding them scraps and now they feel entitled. damn birds.

I’m sure a fast moving boot would have gotten it to scram.

#3
jsm209011:02 pm, 21 Oct 11

Yeah damn birds. We fell their habitat, live under their nests, allow our pets to kill them, feed them highly processed food and they have the nerve to pester us!

#4
Deckard11:14 pm, 21 Oct 11

Better than getting your eyes pecked out…

#5
creative_canberran11:19 pm, 21 Oct 11

I’d like to say the two people who have commented on this thread already and the OP sound like real SOBs who demonstrate a lack of empathy on a scale that would suggest mental illness.

#6
Deref7:31 am, 22 Oct 11

:D I’ll remember that.

#7
Watson8:37 am, 22 Oct 11

Of course those magpies are used to eating human food. It’s Garema place. It is also a place where young magpies who are too young to breed group together. Some sort of a youth centre for magpies.

Obviously the magpies there do not swoop people. Magpies either swoop or beg for your food but not both. Duh.

#8
NoAddedMSG9:14 am, 22 Oct 11

Love it! I forsee Magpie-decoying becoming a new way for children to earn money AND test their mettle all at once. Has to beat working as a chimney sweep.

#9
MrNurseRatchet10:12 am, 22 Oct 11

I don’t know whether I should be more disturbed by the fact that children are accepting sausage rolls from strangers or the fact that you baited a child into an attack by a maggie.

What ever happened to “stranger danger?” :D

#10
poetix12:16 pm, 22 Oct 11

I loved this piece. I imagine the evil writer leading all the children of Canberra away with a sausage roll.

Pied Piper with sauce. Or the Magpied Piper.

#11
ex-vectis2:05 pm, 22 Oct 11

Hahah, fantastic :-) Even the obligatory far-too-serious-to-live-in-Canberra post maid me chuckle.

Reminds me of when I go first got a push-bike after moving to Canberra two years back. Wife watched (she does that) as I cycled away to give it a go. And was still there 90 seconds later when I returned with blood pouring from my right ear!! 30 seconds of cycling in Canberra and I’d been mortally attacked by only Maggy in a 2Km radius!!!

Protecting their young, my arrse!! They do it for a laugh. You can see them on lamposts egging each other on to see who make the human jump the highest. Humans on metal frames sliding along on circular bits of metal are all the more fun as you can make them fall off – or, better still, swerve into the path of a fast moving metal box. B’stard flying sons of female dogs. And they poo on the washing on the line.

#12
geetee6:44 pm, 22 Oct 11

Garema Place is just a buffet for the maggies. A year ago, a mate and I were enjoying a beer when a guy (on his own) had his fish n chips delivered to his table outside. He went to grab some salt and pepper and – before he’d taken three steps – two magpies had pounced and rather professionally flew his beer-battered barra away together.

#13
Androyd1:30 am, 23 Oct 11

#7 – Garema Place as a youth centre for magpies – classic and true. Are there emo ones who poop on the silver cushion thingy?

#14
zorro2910:17 pm, 23 Oct 11

marry me….

#15
EvanJames12:35 pm, 24 Oct 11

Mags really love meat (so god knows why they like bakery sausage rolls). I have a bird feeder outside in which I put small cheap dog biscuits every day. They get pretty agitated if the food isn’t out by the correct time and now they’ve all had babies, I’m having to put quite a lot out. They crack the biscuits with their beaks.

The turf wars on my deck are quite entertaining, they stalk along with lowered heads and wings out like vampire cloaks, and when they dive-bomb each other it’s pretty violent.

I hope they’ll also eat the various bugs and things, and keep the cockies away. That’s the deal on my side anyway. Eating baby snakes would be a bonus, I saw a mag wtih something long and floppy last summer.

#16
LootenPlunder2:12 pm, 24 Oct 11

This was the highlight of my Monday.

#17
LootenPlunder2:16 pm, 24 Oct 11

I’d like to say that one person who has commented on this thread sounds like a real bore who demonstrates a lack of humour on a scale that would suggest mental illness.

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