9 April 2008

Enabling children to identify their sperm-donor father

| Myrmecia
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There was an eye-catching ad for sperm donors on page 16 of the Sunday Canberra Times.

I was a sperm donor back in 1982, donating through a clinic in Woden which has since closed.

I’d like to let families who received my sperm, and the individuals who inherited my genes, know that I am available for them to contact me if they wish.

I am not searching for these people, but I just want to give them the option as I understand some children born through donor sperm want to know something about both their biological parents. This may be a more pressing wish as they approach marriage (etc) and parenthood themselves. For the same reason, a couple who are both from sperm donations might like to find out of they are half-siblings.

They may like to know, for example, that I’m leading a healthy retirement, that my sons in their late 20s are also healthy and well-adjusted.

Is there anything I can do to give my biological offspring the opportunity to locate me?

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It’s terribly painful to be donor-conceived and separated from your bio-parent. Well done for having the courage to come forward and offer contact to your children, Myrmecia. I suggest you check this site out:

http://www.searchingformyspermdonorfather.org/

It has entries from Victoria and South Australia.

JD114 and Maeliner I think you are both sadly ignorant of both genetics relationships and the modern day family.
As a Donor conceived adult I KNEW. I KNEW that my father wasn’t my father,frim a very early age; I assumed my mother had had an affair. I don’t think that’s really better

JD114 said :

Can you imagine the irrepairable harm done to a goodly percentage of the chilluns when they’re told that their Dad ain’t their Dad really because of inadequacy (no matter what effing language it’s couched in).

As for the supposed ‘right to know’ what a load of tosser’s bollocks. Society is full of hidden information for the greater public good, and this fits perfectly into that category.

quote]
As I said, I knew. When I knew for sure I laughed I was so relieved. From speaking to other donor conceived adults online, relief and joy are common reactions, and even if it is sadness, most think they have a right to know. I actually got on better with my parents because I wasn’t suspicious of them all the time.
As for my “wanker’? He’s one of the loveliest men I’ve met. I’m proud to be related to him and it feels like I’ve come home. See, the people who chose the sperm for my parents made a mistake; they matched my fathers (yes, “fathers”) physically instead of emotionally. I was always different and I knew it. The time since I’ve met my biological father has been the happiest time in my life.
I think you two are overly focused on a restrictive idea of family and what is for the good of society. We went through some rough times meeting each other, my wanker, my parents and I, and ultimately come out the better for it. Frankly though I would have preferred if my biological father had known me since I was born, as a special uncle, or “back up dad”. I think the world would be a much better place if we could accept larger, broader types of family than we already do.
Myrmecia, go for it. Statistically no one is likely to find you, but if they do I wish you good luck. Good luck anyway.
Even if many DC offspring don’t want to meet their wankers, they, and the wankers themselves should be able to meet if they wish.

Ingeegoodbee10:14 pm 13 Apr 08

I’d like to let families who received my sperm, and the individuals who inherited my genes, know that I am available for them to contact me if they wish.

The usual method to achieve those goals would be marriage. Wanking, as a rule, is a solo affair … but I can see it now. there’s a plethora of opportunities for the “Gee Dad, you’re such a wanker!” lines.

In the old days it was thought adopted children should not be told of their origins, in case it upset them.

That has since turned out to be the wrong way to go, and makes some kids upset and confused. Thus govts like ours have now actually legislated that sperm donors must be identifiable to their children once they turn 18.

So come out of the dark ages with your ye olde roast, and get a bit of modern day roast chicken with teriyaki spices and asian greens.

My two posts above are sufficient information GnT. In the world of bringing things to the conversation debate table, I’m looking over my roast with all the trimmings at your bag of peanuts in a bit of disbelief.

Please enlighten me, and the rest of the readers who don’t get it. That would be called a discussion.

Since you don’t get it, I won’t bother.

He’s already said he’s not seeking a relationship, just offering to be available if the kids want one. The owners of the house would be able to find you through the SES if they wanted to meet and thank you.

And to JD114, I think (and hope) the days of pretending non-biological parents really are, or of stigma attached to IVF and adoption, are long gone.

@Myrmecia – my comment People who seek and cherish these escapist ideologies (my biological dad is really a pilot, opposed to the man who has raised me is an abbatoir worker) have fulfillment issues they need to deal with. is also directed at you, even though with the example it has a child oriented focus.

I think you are only ‘in the market’ because you have been successful in your life. This is a historical point of view, because at the time you were a donor, you had no way of knowing whether or not you would be as you are now, or a dropkick heroin junkie whatever.

To distil my comment further; I think you have fulfillment issues that you need to deal with.

Allow me to put this another way. Like you, I occasionally do a public service through SES volunteering. Under the most extreme of situations, I’ve put a roof over somebody’s house after their last one blew off (on many occasions).

Its not up to me after I leave that site to go back and check on the roof – nor is it appropriate for me to go back and take a sticky beak at my work at a later date.

If I wanted to have a ‘relationship’ with that house, I should have gone and met the owners before the storm. Then it would be appropriate for me to go back and check on the roof, and to go back and have a sticky beak at my work at a later date.

OK probably a bad example, but I’m already hanging out desperately for Friday pm drinks and weekend, so cut me some slack. Follow the skeletal framework at least…

“Some donor children want to know, others don’t. Everyone is different. Sign up to the register and see what happens.”

Yes. Someone above seems to have misread my post. I’m not searching for my biological children. But I do know some children from IVF would like to know who their biological fathers are. I am not making a judgement about this desire if it exists. But I have no problems with enabling them to make contact if they wish. These kids didn’t ask to be born this way, now they know they were IVF kids; no need to rub their faces in it by declaring that “life’s tough”. Sometimes it needn’t be.

“Are your sons ready for this?”

I must admit I have not asked them, but I’d reckon they would be about as robust as JD114 – though not as ‘in yer face’. The anonymity of TRA enables all sorts of troubled, Walter Mitty characters to behave in ways they would not get away with outside this virtual world.

Cameron… of course it is. D’oh. But processes to preclude such events require some lateral thinking… something beyond a goodly percentage of the community it seems.

Thumper, I think I stole it from somewhere else anyway: I don’t come up with stuff like that all on my own. 🙂

I think there’s a market for a t-shirt that says “My Biological Father’s A Wanker”

You don’t think it’s a good idea for a child of a sperm donor to know if they’re accidentally marrying their half sibling? Or have some information about the genetic history of their family?

Some donor children want to know, others don’t.

Everyone is different.

Sign up to the register and see what happens.

Are your sons ready for this?

Maelinar… hear hear. Short-sighted politically expedient feel-good idiots are the only descriptions I can think of for the tossers who think that ‘liberating’ the chilluns and donors in this way can do anything but harm.

The whole effing point of the scheme was to have chilluns who believed their parents were their parents, and never needed to know otherwise. Can you imagine the irrepairable harm done to a goodly percentage of the chilluns when they’re told that their Dad ain’t their Dad really because of inadequacy (no matter what effing language it’s couched in).

As for the supposed ‘right to know’ what a load of tosser’s bollocks. Society is full of hidden information for the greater public good, and this fits perfectly into that category.

Tossers. (no pun intended)

Is there anything I can do to give my biological offspring the opportunity to locate me?

Have a relationship with the biological mother perhaps ?

While I commend your voluntary service to the public cause by assisting otherwise unable to have children partnerships to have children, your limit of exploitation stops there buster.

We can get all gooey and lovey dovey about the process, but this is the cold hard fact. If you wanted to have a relationship with that child, you should have had a relationship with the other parent.

People who seek and cherish these escapist ideologies (my biological dad is really a pilot, opposed to the man who has raised me is an abbatoir worker) have fulfillment issues they need to deal with.

Finding their biological parents goes against all sensible reasons why they went to sperm donation in the first place, for the donor, and for the receiver – a very difficult and painful road to tread, while it may seem a good idea at the time.

I considered seriously the topic of sperm donation when I was younger. I made the decision then, that I continue to stick with now, that I would prefer to have a relationship with my biological children, so I didn’t do it. This also covers the ethical choice a donor must make when donating sperm in the first place, that it is a donation for public improvement, not personal gain.

While it may seem the appropriate p.c. thing to do in the current world clime, I would recommend anybody thinking of doing this take a detailed look beyond the mumbo jimbo and have a serious think about the long term consequences of doing this.

I am a parent who has children from a sperm donor so first I’d like to say thank you. If you go to http://www.donoroffspringmatches.com there is a site where you can register for free as a former sperm donor. It is used for offspring, parents and donors to make matches. This site is new but growing fast. Bascially a Sperm/Egg Donor Registry.

As parents, I know I love to see donors sign up. It is a lot easier to find sibling matches but in a lot of cases, our children want to find their donor to see who they are, what they are about.

Please consider joining them. I found a sibling match there for my youngest and would love to find one of their donors too.

Stephanie

This site is probably the best place to go:

http://www.donorsiblingregistry.com/

There is no-one yet listed for the ACT though.

There is also a voluntary register for Victoria here:
http://www.ita.org.au/www/257/1001127/displayarticle/1001231.html

I’m not aware of a register for the ACT.

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