Feeling angry? Expert insights to ensure it doesn't get the better of you

In the past few years you’re more likely to have experienced an incident of road rage – either as giver or receiver – than not, according to recent data.

Though research indicates the ACT enjoys the lowest road rage percentages, a recent Canberra road rage incident highlighted how quickly road rage can get out of control.

Violence of other kinds are shockingly prevalent in our communities. More than a quarter of Canberra women over the age of 18 have experienced some form of violence by a family member or partner since they turned 15. In the country, one woman a week on average is killed by her intimate partner.

Whether our anger manifests in incidents of domestic violence or road rage, one local expert says violence is a “shortcut to regulating emotions” – and it’s not okay.

“Anger is a challenging emotion. It takes a lot of work to learn how to channel and regulate that emotion in helpful ways. Violence is an easy way to vent it out,” Strategic Psychology psychologist Riya Jose says.

“It’s okay to be angry, but when vented in an unhealthy manner and directed at another person, it crosses the line.”

Ms Jose, who has worked extensively with people on anger management, says there are a number of underlying reasons some people struggle with regulating anger in healthy ways.

Common reasons include drug and alcohol abuse or an upbringing that “normalised” violence, all of which build unhealthy patterns of emotional dysregulation. These patterns pave the way for negative and unhelpful thinking patterns.

One example is seeing things in black and white.

“If we think things have to be a certain way – whether that stems from a stereotype, gender inequality or any other factor that can lead to presupposition – a lot of the time that undermines our more cognitive processes,” she says.

“It hinders our ability to use balanced thinking processes.”

Using the road rage example, if a person in the right lane is driving under the speed limit we might get focussed on the rules that tell us they should be driving in the left lane.

This can lead to controlling behaviour.

“You might tailgate to send them a message that you want them to switch to the left lane,” Ms Jose says.

“That’s an unhealthy response because it’s a dangerous practice. Moreover, by trying to teach them by engaging in dangerous behaviours, you’re trying to provoke a change or predict a change in another person’s behaviour when in reality, we can neither predict or control other people’s behaviour or responses.

“Be mindful of an excessive focus on ‘should’ behaviours in other people. Instead, cognitively challenge yourself by asking the key question: ‘How helpful is it to keep thinking this way?'”

For clients who struggle to regulate anger, Ms Jose challenges clients to carry out “detective thinking”.

“Ask yourself ‘What is the actual evidence that supports this way of thinking and what is the evidence against?'” she says.

It’s important to note that violence has a much wider remit than most people realise.

It’s a broad term that can involve non-physical concepts such as financial and emotional abuse. This can include silent treatment, guilt tripping, gaslighting or other behavioural patterns designed to control.

For parents it can be difficult to discern the line between violence and discipline.

“No parent is perfect. If you think your anger might be catching you in negative thinking patterns that are unhelpful, the basic questions to start asking is ‘What am I trying to achieve? Is my perception of good and bad different to my child’s?'” Ms Jose says.

At its core, violence is a fight or flight response that occurs when a trigger releases stress chemicals such as cortisol in the body.

Healthy strategies can (and must) be used to manage the response, and even the trigger.

For most people, this starts with developing self awareness to recognise the signs your anger is taking over.

“How does your body show anger? What are your physiological responses? Perhaps you get jittery, feel hot, get chest pain, maybe your breathing quickens. Recognising these signs is the first step,” Ms Jose says.

“Common grounding techniques then include breathing exercises. There are also classic therapies to help you reach a place where you’re able to learn and consciously engage in cognitive thought strategies to develop healthier thinking patterns.”