If there’s no money to put on the Commonwealth Games in Victoria, why not opt for the Common ones – right here in the ACT. Image: Digitally altered.
It’s surprising that so few (read no-one) thinks Canberra should pick up the ball that Victoria dropped – the Commonwealth Games. But of course we can, especially if we rename them the Common Games. You know, the Games without the Wealth.
It’s not like we need new branding. We’ve got Commonwealths on almost every building, bridge, park and rubbish bin within a 100km radius.
Sure, we’ll need a few things – like a swimming pool. Dickson could lap it up, but it would be so refreshing to see Manuka back in the spotlight after all these years. You’d just have to separate the lanes a bit more securely so the 50 metres freestyle final doesn’t disturb the adjacent over-90s aquasize classes.
For the beach volleyball, go no further than the “beach” by the lake. Haven’t heard of it? Next time you’re driving over the Commonwealth Bridge look to the left – the bit that is not water is the beach. Squint, and you’ll think you’re at Bondi.
Venue for those power sports is a given – Parliament House. Not only would powerlifting and boxing go a treat up there, those long hallways would be perfect for cricket – you’d just have to rip up the carpet but I’m sure no-one would mind. It’s not like they have rules about the integrity of the place. You could also double up with lawn bowls.
There’s the lake, of course, for those splashier sports that involve boats. And, without carping on about it, abundant fishing if that were to be deemed a new Common Sport. The marathon, too, would be a cakewalk. Just start them off at a roundabout and say “go”. (Don’t forget to come back at a later date to say “stop”.)
For those who don’t follow the rules, there is already a strong security centre – the Institution of Sport where you’ll be OK, as long as you play the game. But beware of the torture chamber – with all those machines that play havoc with your dangly bits and the chambers that can make you feel a bit hot and cold about it all.
Also watch out for all the folk who will be monitoring everything you do. They’ll tell you it’s their job, but I have my doubts. I mean, would you trust people who have photos of themselves and their names hanging permanently around their necks – surely they should know who they are by now.
For those who insist on running rather a lot, we have roads. Some of them even have bitumen where potholes once ruled. Not many of them are straight, but that doesn’t really matter. That’s what stop-and-go men-and-women are for. Can’t you see them in their dandy fluros waving down marathon runners because they’re going in the wrong direction – something about heading to Gundagai to see a man about a dog.
But as inaugural host of the Common Games, we clearly need a new uniform. Thongs, flannelette shirts, stubbies – the shorts not the beverage – and a hat with rude words on it for formal occasions and something slightly less sophisticated for everyday events.
To put our specific brand on it, we should create some new capital-centric events like medals for First To Exit Roundabout Without Really Trying; Fastest to Find Nearest Shop; Closest to Tailgating Cars With NSW Plates; and Quickest to Count How Many Types of Cheese are in the Ainslie IGA Deli Aisle.
No need to worry about accommodation either. Ken Behrens has a big, welcoming family which knows no borders. And if there are any problems, a bloke by the name of Alexander Maconochie apparently offers the securest of places to stay.
Now, let’s play Games.
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