15 August 2011

I Need A Hero. What do we deserve?

| ArrEmm
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a faceless man

Every night in America over 200 men and women, dressed in capes, masks, and bullet-proof body armour, walk the streets looking to fight crime and enforce vigilante justice. They confront drug dealers, break up brawls, and occasionally pose for photos with grateful citizens.

Their super powers? Excessive bravery (verging on stupidity) and the ability to urinate blood – which is not so much a power as a symptom of being severely bashed repeatedly.

It could be said that ACT Police do a pretty alright job as far as fighting crime goes, having recently had some high-profile wins. Still, I can’t help but wonder: what superheroes do the people of Canberra need to battle the evil villains that lurk beneath the calm grey veneer of our fair city?

My first nomination is for Captain Commute, fighting Canberra’s perception of time and distance with his power of perspective!

Innocent citizen: “A party this Friday night? Great! I’ll be there! Oh, what? It’s in Belconnen? But I live in Woden. I don’t think I can make it …”

Captain Commute: “Of course you can, don’t be a douche! That’s only 16 kilometres!”

Innocent citizen: “But if I drive at an average of 70kph that would take me …. 18 minutes and 59 seconds! Outrageous!”

Captain commute: “Here’s an idea! Pull your freaking head in! If you were in Sydney that trip would take you 19 hours! Quit your whinging and go P-A-R-T-Y! …Responsibly.”

Innocent citizen: “Hey you’re right, Captain Car-Trip guy! Thanks to your Powers of Perspective, I’m now able to not be a boring douche!”

[Captain Commute subsequently retreats to his Secret HQ where his sidekick Mr Merge-tastic sits quietly, exhausted after a busy day of harmoniously funnelling traffic – a simple skill that as yet eludes the good people of Gothamberra. Captain Courtesy walks through the door. He spends his day trying to persuade hospitality staff to be pleasant, and dare he wish, hospitable…]

I need a hero! Someone to idolise! A leader that my children can look up to and admire – god knows I can’t be that person. I hope someone steps up soon because since our helicopter-pilot-rescuing Chief Minister retired, the only person I can think of who comes close to super-hero status in Canberra is the Magnet Mart guy, bravely waging war on peace, quiet and tasteful advertising.

What superheroes do you think Canberra needs?

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EandIprefix said :

Budgie-smuggler man seems to have appear on Captial Hill. He has the power to summon strange placard bearing creatures….

… and has the power of a strong emetic over mere mortals when he appears in his sluggoes.

Budgie-smuggler man seems to have appear on Captial Hill. He has the power to summon strange placard bearing creatures.

Baagaaark! Chicken Man….he’s everywhere, he’s everywhere!

Peewee Slasher12:46 pm 16 Aug 11

“Toaster Repair Man”

Yes it’s true, it is also the title of my 2nd album released in 1973, however, in a vain attempt to increase the sales of my back catalogue, I feel that a superhero “Toaster Repair Man” will change society for the better. If you go googling for me, you shoudl find facts like: Total sales for my 2nd album = 264 units. As a percentage of the population in Twatzania, it blew the hit charts apart and resulted in me getting a Banana Leaf Record (sort of like the gold records here in Australia).

So what can the superhero “Toaster Repair Man” do?

I think it’s obvious.

How about “The Public Transport Avenger”, to get you home from that party on friday night that Captain Commute bullied you into…

Captain RAAF10:37 am 16 Aug 11

dpm said :

Captain RAAF said :

Captain Commute is a pansy, I beat the crap outta him often.

I’ll go vigilante, I just need a good enough trigger!

hmmmm…..

Never mind that! Didn’t you have some issues with tough neighbours recently?

http://the-riotact.com/i-just-lodged-a-formal-complaint-against-my-guvvy-house-neighbours/43440

Perhaps a super hero to get them in line would have been just the ticket! 🙂

Already sorted, thanks for monitoring my posts tho. The neighbours are very quiet now and cars are steadily disappearing. I rarely see the ferals that live there at all, especially when I am standing proudly atop my letterbox wearing my undies on the outside, arms on hips ‘superhero’ style, waving an admonishing finger in their general direction.

I was hoping for a fight of some sort so that I could unleash my powers upon them but the best they could muster was to give my kids dirty looks at school…..I think they know what happened to their little dog, but that’s another story.

Now, I must away to my lair, for the work of Captain ‘Feral Houso trash slayer’ RAAF is never done….not least while there is a labor gummint in office. 🙁

Mysteryman said :

Sorry about that, but it really gets my goat.

Maybe you need some help from Goat Man, who protects goats who are about to be got.

SPS – super public servant.

Uses flexitime to protect canberra when he or she wants!

“Captain commute: “Here’s an idea! Pull your freaking head in! If you were in Sydney that trip would take you 19 hours! Quit your whinging and go P-A-R-T-Y! …Responsibly.” “

I would punch Captain Commute fair in the mouth for that idiotic line of reasoning. I get so damn tired of hearing “If you were in Sydney…”. News flash, dimwits: WE ARE NOT IN SYDNEY. There are advantages to living in a place that large, and they come at the cost of things like commute time. Canberra has a population less than 10% of Sydney. Anyone comparing our commute times to theirs is out of touch.

/end rant.

Sorry about that, but it really gets my goat.

creative_canberran10:53 pm 15 Aug 11

RedDogInCan said :

We need the Democratic Defender who patrols the ACT borders, stopping interstate protest convoys and other delusional visitors.

Now there’s an idea. Now all that’s left to do is get a fleet of these rolling without the fuzz noticing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWhtne2k5HE&feature=related

creative_canberran10:49 pm 15 Aug 11

Classified said :

Every night in America over 200 men and women, dressed in capes, masks, and bullet-proof body armour, walk the streets looking to fight crime and enforce vigilante justice. They confront drug dealers, break up brawls, and occasionally pose for photos with grateful citizens…

We call these people dickheads.

Capes? Is the KKK still hanging around?

I almost chewed my tongue off and spat it out the car window in a rage a few days ago as I heard an ABC radio announcer blather on about how Canberra was going to raise taxes and Canberra was going to lower benefits and Canberra was going to do this, that and some other goddamn thing.

So, my vote goes to Not Particularly Special Man, the Super Hero who, at a single glance, is able to distinguish between a complex modern city of 300,000 people, and a (probably corrupt or stupid) politician who comes from somewhere else.

We need the Democratic Defender who patrols the ACT borders, stopping interstate protest convoys and other delusional visitors. He pounds into their thick skulls that politicians are elected by the people in electorates where they came from and that the people of Canberra are not responsible for what they say or do.

Captain RAAF said :

Captain Commute is a pansy, I beat the crap outta him often.

I’ll go vigilante, I just need a good enough trigger!

hmmmm…..

Never mind that! Didn’t you have some issues with tough neighbours recently?

http://the-riotact.com/i-just-lodged-a-formal-complaint-against-my-guvvy-house-neighbours/43440

Perhaps a super hero to get them in line would have been just the ticket! 🙂

How about the Gay Marriage Fairy…?

I need a superhero to curtail the activities of F%#k Up Fairy who seems to visit my work place most nights of the week..

Faecal sock man.

I think that should be obvious to everyone.

How about we employ a super hero Judge called ‘Captain Obvious’, who hands down sentences that, fit the crime.

One of the catches is that the guys doing this type of thing in the states can carry the odd mechanical aid to assist them such as batons, tasers, mace which makes getting out on your own a little bit safer. Here you’d just want to be able to fight really well because guaranteed a bunch of wankers would try to kick the crap out of you just for laughs.

Introducing…Captain Shiny-Bum.

He clears your in-tray for you at night!
He places nutritious lunches in the work fridge!
He ensures a plentiful supply of one dollar coins for your daily parking and coffee needs!

But, unfortunately, he just got bored and moved to Sydney. You’ll have to do it all yourself now. Damn him and his silver buttocks.

PBO said :

How about the Yes-I-Canberran. His mission is to make Canberra an interesting and fun place that all Australians would love to visit.

The only thing that can stop him is Senator No-Fun-You with his power to ban or outlaw all fun things that canberrans may enjoy and to install “art” as he sees fit with almost no public consultation (cause they are bogan rednecks).

Joining Senator No-Fun-You are his sidekicks overly bureaucratic boy and the far too powerful obscure minority girl.

Summed up Canberra pretty well right there.

smiling politely4:03 pm 15 Aug 11

Captain RAAF said :

Captain Commute is a pansy, I beat the crap outta him often.

I’ll go vigilante, I just need a good enough trigger!

No need – I’m already mentally adding “Also I am Batman” to the end of your posts to make you more readable.

What about “The Glassed Avenger”?
A superhero who appears in Civic every weekend to protect Canberra citizens from his arch enemy, Boozy Bogan, and thwarting his attempts to unleash the schooner of suffering.

Captain RAAF said :

Captain Commute is a pansy, I beat the crap outta him often.

I’ll go vigilante, I just need a good enough trigger!

hmmmm…..

Hmmmm, The crims said that your mum is so fat that they took a picture of her last christmas and its still printing.

How about the Yes-I-Canberran. His mission is to make Canberra an interesting and fun place that all Australians would love to visit.

The only thing that can stop him is Senator No-Fun-You with his power to ban or outlaw all fun things that canberrans may enjoy and to install “art” as he sees fit with almost no public consultation (cause they are bogan rednecks).

Joining Senator No-Fun-You are his sidekicks overly bureaucratic boy and the far too powerful obscure minority girl.

Captain RAAF3:43 pm 15 Aug 11

Captain Commute is a pansy, I beat the crap outta him often.

I’ll go vigilante, I just need a good enough trigger!

hmmmm…..

Every night in America over 200 men and women, dressed in capes, masks, and bullet-proof body armour, walk the streets looking to fight crime and enforce vigilante justice. They confront drug dealers, break up brawls, and occasionally pose for photos with grateful citizens…

We call these people dickheads.

We need…
Super Raider.

A fearless captain of the Green Machine to inspire and instill confidence into his men so they run tackle and score relentlessly. A man who abhors drink, dogs and phone cameras and who doesn’t bother with mad Monday because he’s a professional and is paid a handsome salary for doing a job he loves.

A man who will inspire Canberra

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