28 August 2007

The game is up, although it pays to advertise for henchmen

| Maelinar
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It is with some mirth that I report for the previous three months+ I have been writing in the local paper, the Canberra Times.

My efforts have also similarly been featured in the SMH Column8, and in the Times2 section of the CT.

Unfortunately, however it appears that the game is up. I’m being edited out of the only thing that was actually getting readers to enthusiastically read the paper on a Tuesday – my free ad, and my cohort of henchmen.

The rules were simple: I place a wanted ad seeking a fantastical item that is either outrageous to ask for, or simply doesnt exist.

Here’s a short summary of what I can remember asking for off the top of my head:

A zeppelin and a sopwith camel for an elaborate prank (response: 3 burnt zeppelins and a tiger moth – 3 calls and featured in SMH 2 days in a row)
The ?1479? Peacock Throne for gentlemanly wager (response: no calls)
A Double Eagle for coin collection (response: no calls)
Land for Lair, preferably underground (response: 2 calls)
Pepsi Can with serial number 2-7-8-2-3-8 (response: 2 calls)
Orbital Laser for Ransom Demand (response: no calls)
Scientists for evil laboratory (response: 4 calls – 2 asking me if it was anything to do with pepsi)
Henchmen to man evil lair (response: 8 calls and featured in CT Times2)
Beam focus unit for lightsabre (response: no calls)
Teens for kooky ghost investigation unit, with van – the game is up.

I got a lot of feedback from my callers – some who offered their entire workplace as henchmen, that the only thing worth reading in the entire paper was my 62 characters.

Anybody out there notice my caper ?

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Danman_straight6_EB_Falcodore9:05 am 09 Oct 07

Methinks mael is working for ct – using RA to bolster sales…. I for one will be purchasing a CT today dammit…

Bonfire – Tuesday October the 9th is dedicated to you buddy.

I’ll let you all buy a CT though to prolong the humour.

I genuinely wanted that beam focus unit for my lightsabre…

I think $15 was more than reasonable, indeed, I was only offering $5/henchman.

I wonder why the CT thinks its role includes vetting ads. Unless it’s staffed by po-faced gits.

Jemmy – Last week I was not printed, and the previous ad was edited significantly. At first I put it down to Maelinar error, but the 2nd ad in a row put paid to that theory.

Anyway, I’m still seeking stuff, we’ll just have to see if I get acknowledged as the only reason to buy a paper on Tuesdays…

So why’d you stop Maelinar? Got bored, or did the CT rise up in indignant wrath?

Apologies, SP should read Shady.

No offence directed at smiling politely…

smiling politely8:37 pm 01 Sep 07

Uhh… just to confirm, I’m actually on your side here. I thought shady was being a dick.

Ah, what the heck, feelin’ stoopid.

Poopoo brain. Your brains are poo. Nyeh nyeh.

Sparkling, no? Ah, such heady repartee…

SP, So it’s not your bag baby, Woo-the-f*cking-hell-hoo. A lot of people did find it interesting, and I was interviewed by the CT and by the SMH Column 8.

Against your claim to fame, that alone beats you hands down, and that’s just one idea I have had, against your many.

NOW that’s lame, smiling politely.

You may believe I am impaired in my faculties, but I believe you are a dunderhead. The problem here is that now I have evidence that I can show the world, and you just still have your opinion.


smiling politely4:41 pm 30 Aug 07

No, “going” was the intended usage.

Interestingly enough, I consulted the Oxford (yes yes yes people, I know, for Australian usage I should be checking the Macquarie) and “ongoing” doesn’t appear as an actual word, though the usage of “going” as in “a going concern” certainly does. Besides which, in that particular instance I wanted to avoid any alliteration with two “oh” sounds in a row. Works well enough in some circumstances but I didn’t think so here. I trust that answers your question?

smiling politely3:51 pm 30 Aug 07

Uber-nerd translation for the benefit of regular readers:

I say, I am so terribly sorry. It’s just that I happened to notice that you are, well, gosh Maelinar, I believe you are impaired in your faculties.

I simply neglected to recall that most of the readers and contributors have excellent grammar and spelling while considering and entering various discourses upon the dross and flux of everyday existence, all the while assessing the grammar and spelling of others, due to the mere fact that well, frankly you all have nothing of any value to me and, dare I say it, to others.

A fond farewell from me, shady, for now, while I return to other going concerns.

Oh… my bad…
I noticed you’re pretty lame Maelinar.
I forgot most of you people are uber nerds who talk about random nerd shit and check spelling and grammar cause you got nothin. 🙂

Oh yeah, she was also primed with ‘My husband purchased the plane ticket BEFORE he was under investigation, or placed the advert’.

I remembered another one:

Wanted +3/+3 Magic Axe, preferably Elvish

“p.s. Mrs Maelinar was briefed and ready to tell the news camera ‘He’s not a terrorist, he’s a naughty little boy’…”

Not dissimilar to what Mrs Haneef said and that worked really well.

Oh wait…….

How terrorism laws work
Magistrate/Judge: Why is Maelinar being held as a terrorism suspect?
AFP/Gummint: Can’t tell you. It’s a secret.
Magistrate/Judge: But I’m a magistrate/Supreme Court judge!
AFP/Gummint: Well, you definitely can’t be trusted with issues involving national security.

Excellent. Truly wonderful stuff. Would need an 11 on my personal amplifier.

Ha ha, I googled “1479 Peacock Throne” and you are number one on the hit parade, my man.

Gungahlin Al3:53 pm 28 Aug 07

“He’s not a terrorist, he’s a naughty little boy’…”
…so piss off!!!
Just quoting the Pithon…

p.s. Mrs Maelinar was briefed and ready to tell the news camera ‘He’s not a terrorist, he’s a naughty little boy’…

Gotta love LoB.

Jono, I think that was ‘orbital laser’ week, the entire week of news was full of Indian terrorism suspects, so thankfully the ‘Sauron’ eye of the Australian intelligence fraternity wasn’t concerned with little old me and my ransom plots.

shady, I noticed you have incorrectly used ‘your’ instead of ‘you’re’. That’s pretty lame. =P

I saw the one looking for henchmen. I looked the next week for a follow-up but didn’t see anything and just assumed it was a one-off.

Yeah, Mael has always had a pretty lame. It’s name is Nigel.

I noticed your pretty lame.

i ran an ad for ‘the goodies’ a few years back. you know ‘anything, anywhere, anytime’. rcvd a few calls and played all questions with a straight bat. i still wonder what the people who called thought.

this however, tops that considerably.

well done that man.

Mael, I didn’t notice, but that, my friend, is brilliant.

Christ, I’m surprised you didn’t get hauled in on terrorism charges for a few of them. LOL

Great idea. What a hoot. How about moving into the For Sale section and see if you can sell a used Chief Minister and his half witted sidekick into slavery?

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