Anthony Albanese has congratulated Donald Trump on his election victory. Photo: Gabriel Awan.
I have just received a copy of the transcript of Prime Minister Anthony Albanese’s congratulatory phone call with United States President-Elect Donald Trump. Remember, you read it here first. (Please, don’t write in.) *
Anthony Albanese: Mr President, congratulations.
Donald Trump: Yeah, thanks, Andrew. It’s the biggest win in the history of the biggest wins, in the history of the universe.
AA: Yes, I guess it was. It’s Anthony, by the way.
DT: I might just call you Anchovy … hey, I made a joke.
AA: Very funny, Mr President.
DT: I’ve got a beautiful wife.
AA: Yes, sir. And you have a beautiful relationship with Australia. We’re really looking forward to taking it to the next level.
DT: Do we do trade together?
AA: We do.
DT: Well, I just had a big win, you know. The biggest.
AA: Yes.
DT: This is really my second term, you know. The last four years don’t count. Totally illegitimate.
AA: Well, Mr President, I won’t keep you. I just wanted to congratulate you on behalf of all Australians and send you their best wishes. I’m really looking forward to working with you next year.
DT: You mean working for me, don’t ya?
AA: Did you just make another joke?
DT: I don’t do jokes, Anchovy. That’s something you need to know about me.
AA: But … didn’t you just …
DT: Pay attention.
AA: Sir.
DT: Hey, are you anything like that Trumble guy I dealt with last time?
AA: Malcolm Turnbull, the former prime minister?
DT: Yeah, that’s him. Tough guy. He really gave it to me over the whole refugee deal he’d stitched up with Obama.
AA: Oh, that’s old history, Mr President. I’m nothing like that. We’ll get along just fine.
DT: I got along just fine with Trumble. Did you just call me old?
AA: No, sir. I just said that’s old …
DT: Enough with the old already! Haven’t you seen Joe Biden?
AA: Well, Mr President, we’ll work with Mr Biden for the rest of his term and then we’ll just as eagerly work with you.
DT: Totally illiterate … um, illegitimate.
AA: Anyway, Mr President, congratulations once more, and I hope to talk again soon.
DT: Hey, wait a minute. Don’t you have an ambassador here who said some nasty things about me? Nasty, nasty things. Sad.
AA: No, sir, he’s all behind you and this great relationship between our two great nations.
DT: No, no, no. Just hang on there, sunshine. Your ambassador tweeted some bad things about me. I remember.
AA: I think you’ll find there’s no record of any such thing on social media, Mr President.
DT: I’ll get Elon onto it. He’ll dig them up.
AA: I think it would be best if we focus on the future, sir.
DT: Revenge is the future Anchovy. Haven’t you been paying attention to anything this past year?
AA: I have, sir.
DT: Then you’ll know what I’m about then.
AA: Yes, sir, I do.
DT: It’s all good then.
AA: If you say so, sir.
DT: It’s gooder than ever before. It’s great. The greatest. I’m the greatest.
AA: I’ll let you get back to work, Mr President.
DT: Yes, very good. I’ll make a state visit to your great country sometime soon. That’s a promise.
AA: That would be fantastic. You’d be most welcome.
DT: Yep. Melania would love to see Vienna again.
* Yes, this is all fake news.
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