19 September 2013

Unearthed Reviews: Knight~Hammer. Four and like 99% of a star stars

| Barcham
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Time for another Unearthed Review.

Booting up the old RNG, I get a 15. 15 means KNIGHT~HAMMER.

I went to their page, their band image was broken, they listed themselves as Metal/Rock, their intro was almost non-existent. I readied myself for a whole lot of messy guitar noise with some talent-less roaring over the top.

I got something very different.

Here’s what they have to say about themselves:

KNIGHT~HAMMER’s full album will soon be available on iTUNES.

I checked, it’s not up there yet.

Here’s what I have to say about them:

KNIGHT~HAMMER are freaking awesome.

I am so so sad that I can’t give them 5 stars. The quality of these recordings is terrible. Not so terrible that it hides the magical viking metal gold that lies within, but terrible enough that it saddens me. On any other band such crappy recordings would equal an instant 1/2 star rating. But KNIGHT~HAMMER is different.

I once went to the pantheon in Rome. It was glorious, but I couldn’t help but feel that there was glory I could no longer see. I couldn’t help but see its ageing walls, the tourists, and the McDonalds next door. These things where blocking me from experiencing the building in its full glory. The hint of magnificence was still there, and it felt like it was teasing me from behind this impenetrable wall of awful.

I feel the same way right now.

Did I just say listening to KNIGHT~HAMMER was like seeing the pantheon? Damn straight I did.

KNIGHT~HAMMER is how you do a metal band right.

By simply looking at the title of the songs, I already know exactly what each song is about and what the mood of the track is.

Check it out.

Return of the Wizard — It’s about a wizard coming back, and it’s EPIC.
Dragon Master — It’s about the master of Dragons, and it’s EPIC.
Poison Chalice — This chalice can kill you. This song is also EPIC.

These songs when deliver exactly what is promised and more. The wizard searches for his scepter and will kill any who get in his way. The Dragon master answers his summons and helps the turn the tide of war. The poison chalice is full of poison and you shouldn’t drink it.

Go listen to all of them. Now.

The band launches into each track with absolute conviction and zero irony. The music travels and changes within each track. The vocalist sings like a man who is currently holding a war-axe. Outside of the recording quality I cannot find a single flaw with this band, and I once reviewed a band poorly simply because they weren’t Queen.

Seriously, I’m a jerk! Criticising a viking rock group who make odd grammatical choices (~?) in and can’t correctly upload an image to Unearthed should be easy.

I can’t do it.

KNIGHT~HAMMER if you are out there, please re-record these songs professionally.

Give me more.


Four and like 99% of a star stars.

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Barcham said :

poisonivy said :

Knight Hammer are genius. Bring back Knight Hammer!

Are they gone?


I am full of regret and fury.

When i next see Kev i’ll ask him to reform the band just for you.

poisonivy said :

Knight Hammer are genius. Bring back Knight Hammer!

Are they gone?


I am full of regret and fury.

Knight Hammer are genius. Bring back Knight Hammer!

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