The Big Breakfast: choose your own adventure at Assembly (and bring another plate)

Big Breakfasts aren’t just meant to be big – take a plate and fill it – they are also meant to be easy. Like Sunday morning.

It’s just another reason why a Big Breakfast is the only breakfast choice: the guesswork is taken out of what to order. Everything is the answer. The only decision should be how you’d like your eggs (poached, thanks for asking, because the rest you can do at home and poaching looks too much like science).

It should also clock in – all things being equal – at about $25.

This brings us to Assembly in Braddon.

Assembly is a pub, beer garden and sports bar, with a bistro and a terrace. It’s all things to all people, and that includes serving breakfast. And they serve a spectacular breakfast.

And it is big.

So big, in fact, that it doesn’t fit on one plate. Obviously, this should be encouraged.

Q&A claps for Assembly!

But there’s a problem: they don’t have a Big Breakfast. You have to build it.

The reason it’s on two plates is a lack of willpower in the face of delicious. At Assembly, you have to Choose Your Own Adventure. And this can become very expensive, very fast.

You start with the base – eggs on toast – but that will set you back $14*. For eggs. And toast. That means we’re just $11 from the proper cost of a Big Breakfast, and there is obviously a sad lack of, well, breakfast.

Hold that thought for a moment…

If you’ve ever read a book on dieting, you’ll know one of the cardinal rules is to never shop hungry. Why? Because when you’re hungry, you want instant satisfaction. You shop with your gut, not your brain. And sure, you’ll get broccoli and maybe some fruit, but you won’t eat it when you get home. You’ll chow down on a bag of chips instead because that two-minute drive home takes forever.

The same theory holds when ordering breakfast – you shouldn’t be allowed to choose it when you’re hungry. And you are hungry – that’s why you’re about to eat breakfast!

If you could just point to an option that says ‘Big Breakfast’, all would be good with the world and problems would be solved.

But no, you have options. Choice, of course, is a great thing. No-one wants to live in a world of ‘any colour so long as it’s black’, and we saw what nine weeks of no choice looks like. Seriously sucky.

But when your list of breakfast choices includes chorizo, hashbrowns, mushrooms, a fritter, asparagus, avocado, fried halloumi and bacon (which is a base, not a side, just saying), this isn’t a recipe for breakfast, it’s an application for a second mortgage.

And so it came to pass.

Big Breakfast at Assembly was not $25 as it should be. It came in at an eye-watering $36. Ouch.

Even if you try to game the system with the Kids Bacon and Eggs, and then get cracking on building the perfect breakfast, you can easily break $25.

And yet, all is forgiven.

Check out that fried halloumi. Spec-bloody-tacular. It’s not just that it’s a work of art, there was also a mountain of it. By sheer volume, it topped the fritter, which was creamy on the inside and gave a satisfying crunch. Both were worth every cent.

Turns out life’s great when you’re free to choose.

The Big Breakfast basics: Eggs on toast.

Extras: Lots. Start the day right, get the halloumi and grab a fritter.

Toast on the side: Yes (with whipped butter, nice). Sinoma bread.

Coffee: Brand not named, but perfect.

Service: Order at the bar.

Pets: Yes, but you’ll probably have to sit on the street, not undercover.

Assembly is located at 11 Lonsdale Street in Braddon. It’s open for breakfast, weekdays from 7 am and weekends from 7:30 am. Last orders at 11:45 am. Lunch and dinner are also available.

* Yes, obviously it would have been smarter to order a side of two eggs and toast. But it’s too late now. Maybe next time.