STOP PRESS! CELL BLOCK 69 ANNOUNCE WORLD TOUR. STOP. “LAST EVER” SHOWS. STOP. LE COREY MICHAELS SAYS ‘GOODBYE TO THE 1980S’. STOP. SPREAD THE WORD. STOP.
As the decade draws to an end Cell Block 69 return on their Last Ever world tour to wish the 1980’s a final goodbye.
“The 1980’s has been an amazing decade and obviously defined the world in so many defining ways. One could say it has been totally definitive… of the world. Definitely. But it’s time to let it go. Apart from the seemingly unstoppable force they call the passage of time, we [the 8 legendary Coreys that make up Cell Block 69] also feel differently as people. Much more more… well … 1990’s than we ever previously ever thought possible,” mused frontman Duane Le Corey Michaels from his castle in Generic Europe.
The death of Birundi, Le Cory Michaels companion Snow Leopard, seems to have hit the recently remarried frontman hard.
“Since marrying Tiffany [Thatcher-Spenser – 19 year old former page 3 girl, Reality TV host and 35th in line to the British throne] I’ve been learning a lot about my emotions. She’s really opened me up. I’m learning about new emotions – not just passion or outrage but other emotions – like angst, bitterness and anger. I hope to infuse these into a new music. A dirtier sound. More stripped back. Just me and a really noisy guitar, a really basic bass player and a drummer who likes to hit amazingly, pointlessly HARD…
Well…either that OR a big lush wall of noise sound, with inaudible lyrics, while I stare at my old converse sneakers. Then again I really like that new Techno sound as well!! … Anyway it’ll be different.”
At this point, Corey Van-Coverdale, lead guitarist, interrupts, “Some of the others are looking to work with other bands over the next few decades. You know, ones with short one word names like, I don’t know, let’s say, Sidewinder or Faker for example. Or maybe ones with longer drawn out names that don’t really sound like a band name at all… Something For Kate… or even Muzzy Pep, or something like that. Others are looking to capitalize on their Cell Block 69 fame by opening their houses to the public and reenacting some of the more tense moments from our many legal proceedings.”
Many have criticized the band for endless ‘last ever’ tours and the fact that none of their court cases against famous artists have ever proved that they originally wrote the hits they perform.
“What really hurt,” posed Corey Axelrod lead guitarist and band antagonist, “was that Aussie bloke John Farnham claiming that he wrote You’re the Voice. He may have sold millions of records because of it, he may even be ‘the voice’, but we were jamming on the same riff weeks before it became number #1. It’s our bloody song –effectively. We even had the bagpipe idea – ours were Irish bagpipes which are heaps more difficult than Scottish ones too.” – Unfortunately the band had no recording of their song We Are the Voice and were laughed out of court in most territories – excluding Papua New Guinea where the band are reportedly close to various government officials.
For the upcoming world tour Cell Block 69 are performing only two Australian dates –
December 20 at The Oxford Art Factory Arena (Sydney, Oxford St Darlinghurst)
(featuring an inspirational tribute from Double Js Craig Schuftan)
And December 23 at the ANU Bar/Stadium (ANU Canberra)
Asked why Cell Block 69 are doing so few shows in Australia, taciturn keyboard synthesizer maestro Corey the artist formerly known as Korey, said “hmmmm”…
And remained silent for several hours.
“We’re just much bigger in other… bigger countries,” aggressively rejoined drummer Corey Rokk Sixx. “Like we’re doing huge shows for a backpacker construction company in Malaysia and at least 15 tribal gatherings in PNG”.
To get into the Christmas spirit Cell Block 69 will be performing their hit charity track Do They Know it’s Christmas. Like the version “stolen” by Bob Geldof and Midge Ure the track will feature some of Australia’s finest guest vocalists, that you’re certain to hear more from over the next few decades, at the bands OZ concerts.
Asked whether this really was the end, Le Corey Michaels paused thoughtfully and starting with a whisper began, “The decade is over – The 1980’s are finished… As to whether the band is finished forever, well, the Phoenix may one day rise from the ashes again. I mean the Compact Disc hasn’t killed music yet!!”
Pre Sale tickets
Sydney – Moshtix
Canberra – Ticketek