Every night in America over 200 men and women, dressed in capes, masks, and bullet-proof body armour, walk the streets looking to fight crime and enforce vigilante justice. They confront drug dealers, break up brawls, and occasionally pose for photos with grateful citizens.
Their super powers? Excessive bravery (verging on stupidity) and the ability to urinate blood – which is not so much a power as a symptom of being severely bashed repeatedly.
It could be said that ACT Police do a pretty alright job as far as fighting crime goes, having recently had some high-profile wins. Still, I can’t help but wonder: what superheroes do the people of Canberra need to battle the evil villains that lurk beneath the calm grey veneer of our fair city?
My first nomination is for Captain Commute, fighting Canberra’s perception of time and distance with his power of perspective!
Innocent citizen: “A party this Friday night? Great! I’ll be there! Oh, what? It’s in Belconnen? But I live in Woden. I don’t think I can make it …”
Captain Commute: “Of course you can, don’t be a douche! That’s only 16 kilometres!”
Innocent citizen: “But if I drive at an average of 70kph that would take me …. 18 minutes and 59 seconds! Outrageous!”
Captain commute: “Here’s an idea! Pull your freaking head in! If you were in Sydney that trip would take you 19 hours! Quit your whinging and go P-A-R-T-Y! …Responsibly.”
Innocent citizen: “Hey you’re right, Captain Car-Trip guy! Thanks to your Powers of Perspective, I’m now able to not be a boring douche!”
[Captain Commute subsequently retreats to his Secret HQ where his sidekick Mr Merge-tastic sits quietly, exhausted after a busy day of harmoniously funnelling traffic – a simple skill that as yet eludes the good people of Gothamberra. Captain Courtesy walks through the door. He spends his day trying to persuade hospitality staff to be pleasant, and dare he wish, hospitable…]
I need a hero! Someone to idolise! A leader that my children can look up to and admire – god knows I can’t be that person. I hope someone steps up soon because since our helicopter-pilot-rescuing Chief Minister retired, the only person I can think of who comes close to super-hero status in Canberra is the Magnet Mart guy, bravely waging war on peace, quiet and tasteful advertising.
What superheroes do you think Canberra needs?