Skip to content Skip to main navigation

Lifestyle

Home loans made clear

I Need A Hero. What do we deserve?

By ArrEmm 15 August 2011 30

a faceless man

Every night in America over 200 men and women, dressed in capes, masks, and bullet-proof body armour, walk the streets looking to fight crime and enforce vigilante justice. They confront drug dealers, break up brawls, and occasionally pose for photos with grateful citizens.

Their super powers? Excessive bravery (verging on stupidity) and the ability to urinate blood – which is not so much a power as a symptom of being severely bashed repeatedly.

It could be said that ACT Police do a pretty alright job as far as fighting crime goes, having recently had some high-profile wins. Still, I can’t help but wonder: what superheroes do the people of Canberra need to battle the evil villains that lurk beneath the calm grey veneer of our fair city?

My first nomination is for Captain Commute, fighting Canberra’s perception of time and distance with his power of perspective!

Innocent citizen: “A party this Friday night? Great! I’ll be there! Oh, what? It’s in Belconnen? But I live in Woden. I don’t think I can make it …”

Captain Commute: “Of course you can, don’t be a douche! That’s only 16 kilometres!”

Innocent citizen: “But if I drive at an average of 70kph that would take me …. 18 minutes and 59 seconds! Outrageous!”

Captain commute: “Here’s an idea! Pull your freaking head in! If you were in Sydney that trip would take you 19 hours! Quit your whinging and go P-A-R-T-Y! …Responsibly.”

Innocent citizen: “Hey you’re right, Captain Car-Trip guy! Thanks to your Powers of Perspective, I’m now able to not be a boring douche!”

[Captain Commute subsequently retreats to his Secret HQ where his sidekick Mr Merge-tastic sits quietly, exhausted after a busy day of harmoniously funnelling traffic – a simple skill that as yet eludes the good people of Gothamberra. Captain Courtesy walks through the door. He spends his day trying to persuade hospitality staff to be pleasant, and dare he wish, hospitable…]

I need a hero! Someone to idolise! A leader that my children can look up to and admire – god knows I can’t be that person. I hope someone steps up soon because since our helicopter-pilot-rescuing Chief Minister retired, the only person I can think of who comes close to super-hero status in Canberra is the Magnet Mart guy, bravely waging war on peace, quiet and tasteful advertising.

What superheroes do you think Canberra needs?

What’s Your opinion?


Please login to post your comments, or connect with
30 Responses to
I Need A Hero. What do we deserve?
Filter
Showing only Website comments
Order
Newest to Oldest
Oldest to Newst
EvanJames 4:12 pm 16 Aug 11

EandIprefix said :

Budgie-smuggler man seems to have appear on Captial Hill. He has the power to summon strange placard bearing creatures….

… and has the power of a strong emetic over mere mortals when he appears in his sluggoes.

EandIprefix 3:35 pm 16 Aug 11

Budgie-smuggler man seems to have appear on Captial Hill. He has the power to summon strange placard bearing creatures.

Okwhatever 2:37 pm 16 Aug 11

Baagaaark! Chicken Man….he’s everywhere, he’s everywhere!

Peewee Slasher 12:46 pm 16 Aug 11

“Toaster Repair Man”

Yes it’s true, it is also the title of my 2nd album released in 1973, however, in a vain attempt to increase the sales of my back catalogue, I feel that a superhero “Toaster Repair Man” will change society for the better. If you go googling for me, you shoudl find facts like: Total sales for my 2nd album = 264 units. As a percentage of the population in Twatzania, it blew the hit charts apart and resulted in me getting a Banana Leaf Record (sort of like the gold records here in Australia).

So what can the superhero “Toaster Repair Man” do?

I think it’s obvious.

BlackIce 11:36 am 16 Aug 11

How about “The Public Transport Avenger”, to get you home from that party on friday night that Captain Commute bullied you into…

Captain RAAF 10:37 am 16 Aug 11

dpm said :

Captain RAAF said :

Captain Commute is a pansy, I beat the crap outta him often.

I’ll go vigilante, I just need a good enough trigger!

hmmmm…..

Never mind that! Didn’t you have some issues with tough neighbours recently?

http://the-riotact.com/i-just-lodged-a-formal-complaint-against-my-guvvy-house-neighbours/43440

Perhaps a super hero to get them in line would have been just the ticket! 🙂

Already sorted, thanks for monitoring my posts tho. The neighbours are very quiet now and cars are steadily disappearing. I rarely see the ferals that live there at all, especially when I am standing proudly atop my letterbox wearing my undies on the outside, arms on hips ‘superhero’ style, waving an admonishing finger in their general direction.

I was hoping for a fight of some sort so that I could unleash my powers upon them but the best they could muster was to give my kids dirty looks at school…..I think they know what happened to their little dog, but that’s another story.

Now, I must away to my lair, for the work of Captain ‘Feral Houso trash slayer’ RAAF is never done….not least while there is a labor gummint in office. 🙁

Thumper 8:05 am 16 Aug 11

Maybe you need some help from Goat Man, who protects goats who are about to be got.

hehehe

Classified 7:42 am 16 Aug 11

Mysteryman said :

Sorry about that, but it really gets my goat.

Maybe you need some help from Goat Man, who protects goats who are about to be got.

Henry82 12:51 am 16 Aug 11

SPS – super public servant.

Uses flexitime to protect canberra when he or she wants!

Mysteryman 11:18 pm 15 Aug 11

“Captain commute: “Here’s an idea! Pull your freaking head in! If you were in Sydney that trip would take you 19 hours! Quit your whinging and go P-A-R-T-Y! …Responsibly.” “

I would punch Captain Commute fair in the mouth for that idiotic line of reasoning. I get so damn tired of hearing “If you were in Sydney…”. News flash, dimwits: WE ARE NOT IN SYDNEY. There are advantages to living in a place that large, and they come at the cost of things like commute time. Canberra has a population less than 10% of Sydney. Anyone comparing our commute times to theirs is out of touch.

/end rant.

Sorry about that, but it really gets my goat.

Related Articles

CBR Tweets

Sign up to our newsletter

Top
Copyright © 2018 Region Group Pty Ltd. All rights reserved.
the-riotact.com | aboutregional.com.au | b2bmagazine.com.au | thisiscanberra.com

Search across the site