Skip to content Skip to main navigation

Lifestyle

Part of the Canberra community
for over 30 years

I Need A Hero. What do we deserve?

By ArrEmm - 15 August 2011 30

a faceless man

Every night in America over 200 men and women, dressed in capes, masks, and bullet-proof body armour, walk the streets looking to fight crime and enforce vigilante justice. They confront drug dealers, break up brawls, and occasionally pose for photos with grateful citizens.

Their super powers? Excessive bravery (verging on stupidity) and the ability to urinate blood – which is not so much a power as a symptom of being severely bashed repeatedly.

It could be said that ACT Police do a pretty alright job as far as fighting crime goes, having recently had some high-profile wins. Still, I can’t help but wonder: what superheroes do the people of Canberra need to battle the evil villains that lurk beneath the calm grey veneer of our fair city?

My first nomination is for Captain Commute, fighting Canberra’s perception of time and distance with his power of perspective!

Innocent citizen: “A party this Friday night? Great! I’ll be there! Oh, what? It’s in Belconnen? But I live in Woden. I don’t think I can make it …”

Captain Commute: “Of course you can, don’t be a douche! That’s only 16 kilometres!”

Innocent citizen: “But if I drive at an average of 70kph that would take me …. 18 minutes and 59 seconds! Outrageous!”

Captain commute: “Here’s an idea! Pull your freaking head in! If you were in Sydney that trip would take you 19 hours! Quit your whinging and go P-A-R-T-Y! …Responsibly.”

Innocent citizen: “Hey you’re right, Captain Car-Trip guy! Thanks to your Powers of Perspective, I’m now able to not be a boring douche!”

[Captain Commute subsequently retreats to his Secret HQ where his sidekick Mr Merge-tastic sits quietly, exhausted after a busy day of harmoniously funnelling traffic – a simple skill that as yet eludes the good people of Gothamberra. Captain Courtesy walks through the door. He spends his day trying to persuade hospitality staff to be pleasant, and dare he wish, hospitable…]

I need a hero! Someone to idolise! A leader that my children can look up to and admire – god knows I can’t be that person. I hope someone steps up soon because since our helicopter-pilot-rescuing Chief Minister retired, the only person I can think of who comes close to super-hero status in Canberra is the Magnet Mart guy, bravely waging war on peace, quiet and tasteful advertising.

What superheroes do you think Canberra needs?

What’s Your opinion?


Post a comment
Please login to post your comments, or connect with
30 Responses to
I Need A Hero. What do we deserve?
milkman 7:14 pm 15 Aug 11

How about the Gay Marriage Fairy…?

Pork Hunt 6:43 pm 15 Aug 11

I need a superhero to curtail the activities of F%#k Up Fairy who seems to visit my work place most nights of the week..

Mr_Shab 6:25 pm 15 Aug 11

Faecal sock man.

I think that should be obvious to everyone.

Hank 5:20 pm 15 Aug 11

How about we employ a super hero Judge called ‘Captain Obvious’, who hands down sentences that, fit the crime.

Special G 5:19 pm 15 Aug 11

One of the catches is that the guys doing this type of thing in the states can carry the odd mechanical aid to assist them such as batons, tasers, mace which makes getting out on your own a little bit safer. Here you’d just want to be able to fight really well because guaranteed a bunch of wankers would try to kick the crap out of you just for laughs.

poetix 4:49 pm 15 Aug 11

Introducing…Captain Shiny-Bum.

He clears your in-tray for you at night!
He places nutritious lunches in the work fridge!
He ensures a plentiful supply of one dollar coins for your daily parking and coffee needs!

But, unfortunately, he just got bored and moved to Sydney. You’ll have to do it all yourself now. Damn him and his silver buttocks.

Bluey 4:30 pm 15 Aug 11

PBO said :

How about the Yes-I-Canberran. His mission is to make Canberra an interesting and fun place that all Australians would love to visit.

The only thing that can stop him is Senator No-Fun-You with his power to ban or outlaw all fun things that canberrans may enjoy and to install “art” as he sees fit with almost no public consultation (cause they are bogan rednecks).

Joining Senator No-Fun-You are his sidekicks overly bureaucratic boy and the far too powerful obscure minority girl.

Summed up Canberra pretty well right there.

smiling politely 4:03 pm 15 Aug 11

Captain RAAF said :

Captain Commute is a pansy, I beat the crap outta him often.

I’ll go vigilante, I just need a good enough trigger!

No need – I’m already mentally adding “Also I am Batman” to the end of your posts to make you more readable.

Keijidosha 4:00 pm 15 Aug 11

What about “The Glassed Avenger”?
A superhero who appears in Civic every weekend to protect Canberra citizens from his arch enemy, Boozy Bogan, and thwarting his attempts to unleash the schooner of suffering.

PBO 3:57 pm 15 Aug 11

Captain RAAF said :

Captain Commute is a pansy, I beat the crap outta him often.

I’ll go vigilante, I just need a good enough trigger!

hmmmm…..

Hmmmm, The crims said that your mum is so fat that they took a picture of her last christmas and its still printing.

PBO 3:53 pm 15 Aug 11

How about the Yes-I-Canberran. His mission is to make Canberra an interesting and fun place that all Australians would love to visit.

The only thing that can stop him is Senator No-Fun-You with his power to ban or outlaw all fun things that canberrans may enjoy and to install “art” as he sees fit with almost no public consultation (cause they are bogan rednecks).

Joining Senator No-Fun-You are his sidekicks overly bureaucratic boy and the far too powerful obscure minority girl.

Captain RAAF 3:43 pm 15 Aug 11

Captain Commute is a pansy, I beat the crap outta him often.

I’ll go vigilante, I just need a good enough trigger!

hmmmm…..

Thumper 3:37 pm 15 Aug 11

The Atomic Hamster (c)

Not sure what he actually does but you have to admit that it’s a cool name.

Classified 3:28 pm 15 Aug 11

Every night in America over 200 men and women, dressed in capes, masks, and bullet-proof body armour, walk the streets looking to fight crime and enforce vigilante justice. They confront drug dealers, break up brawls, and occasionally pose for photos with grateful citizens…

We call these people dickheads.

Swaggie 3:11 pm 15 Aug 11

We need…
Super Raider.

A fearless captain of the Green Machine to inspire and instill confidence into his men so they run tackle and score relentlessly. A man who abhors drink, dogs and phone cameras and who doesn’t bother with mad Monday because he’s a professional and is paid a handsome salary for doing a job he loves.

A man who will inspire Canberra

Related Articles

CBR Tweets

Sign up to our newsletter

Top
Copyright © 2017 Riot ACT Holdings Pty Ltd. All rights reserved.
www.the-riotact.com | www.b2bmagazine.com.au | www.thisiscanberra.com

Search across the site