Harold and The Purple Crayon is as bad as a family movie could ever hope to be. Photo: Sony Pictures.
Issac Newton once said that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
To this day, scientists have built philosophies and studies on this famous cornerstone of science. While this is now accepted as a fact of life, what is curious is Sony Pictures’ need to replicate this law with each of their films.
For every Venom movie they produce (something that’s not offensively bad, but not great), we get a Fly Me To The Moon (something that’s enjoyable, but not particularly memorable). For every Bullet Train (a fun action comedy), we get an Uncharted (a boring Indiana Jones clone.)
The most recent case of this phenomenon is, for every Spider-Man: Across the Spiderverse (a brilliant celebration of animation and creativity) we get a Harold and the Purple Crayon (a depressingly shallow and uninspired adaptation of one of the most beloved children’s books of all time).
Many of you may be asking: “What the hell is Harold and the Purple Crayon?”. The simple answer is, one of the most dismal films I’ve seen this year.
Harold and the Purple Crayon follows Harold, a picture book character with the ability to bring things to life by drawing them with his magic crayon. Harold’s every move is dictated by a voice in the sky known only as “The Narrator”. When “The Narrator” all of a sudden stops narrating, Harold and his best friends, Moose and Porcupine, draw a portal to the real world to locate him so he can narrate once more.
Ok, where to start?
This film is abysmal. It lacks creativity, interesting characters, interested actors, and any semblance of fun.
To put in perspective just how atrocious this film is, when I normally see a not-so-great movie, I tend to forget about it a couple of days later. I saw this a week ago and I still wince in discomfort at the thought of several scenes I can’t unsee.
I saw this with a free movie ticket I received from a friend and I still feel bad. (No, I don’t get paid to review any of the movies I see, despite what some commentators believe).
In a movie where the idea is that anything that’s drawn comes to life, why is everything so bland? For example, a family burst a tyre while driving, so why not draw a spaceship or a flying car or something creative? Instead, the character chooses to draw a spare tyre but it’s purple …
It’s insulting to the kids this film is targeted at. Children are more imaginative than adults, so in the writer’s room, why do they feel the need to produce bland crap? This film gave the perfect opportunity to go big or go home but, instead, we got whatever this was.
The lack of creativity translates to the performances too. Zachary Levi and Zoey Deschanel are difficult to watch but Jemaine Clement is by far the worst of the bunch. I’ve seen high school plays with more intrigue and willingness to perform.
The special effects and production are bad too. During one scene, a man draws some medieval armour for him to wear and it looks dreadful. I’ve genuinely seen stuff from the Reject Shop look more impressive.
The only positive thing I can say about Harold and the Purple Crayon is that I saw it in an empty theatre, which is exactly what this movie deserved.
If you’re a family that goes to the movies once or twice a year and you’re thinking about going these school holidays, go see Transformers or The Wild Robot instead. Those two movies are at least enjoyable to watch.
Harold and the Purple Crayon is unfortunately showing in cinemas across the country.
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