So what does the future hold for you? Love, success or could it just be a toothache. Photo: File.
As a cadet journalist, one of your jobs was to do the horoscope column.
Not, not interview the astrologer who had spent days working out charts and alignments and other painful stuff. Nor did it mean lighting candles in the office and chanting something unintelligible – yet oddly very catchy.
It meant, literally, doing it. Writing it. Making stuff up.
You had about a quarter of a tabloid page to fill: translation for those under 30 – lots of space on a newspaper page, and fill it you must.
One day, while working on this now-defunct small rural newspaper in southern NSW, displaying a foolish burst of almost-confidence, I fronted the editor, asking why I had to make up the astrology column when I could be doing something marginally more interesting, like extracting the cadet’s teeth.
He didn’t say anything, just threw some figures at me. They were circulation figures, showing who read what the most. First was the TV guide – but next was the astrology column.
That’s why, he said, also pointing to all the ads on the astrology page – admittedly only three, but pretty impressive for this small country newspaper regardless.
It seemed people wanted to advertise their tractors/anatomical enlargement appliances/natural fertiliser on the most well-read pages.
Who knew? Well, any legit astrologer worth their crystal ball would.
If any copies of this newspaper are left from the time I was editorially astrological, you’d see that Pisces always had the best days. That they’d meet a tall, dark handsome stranger, become really rich, always have travel in their sights – all these gifts allowing them to spend their days walking along the beach with said tall dark handsome stranger, sipping pina coladas with umbrellas in them, watching sunrises/sunsets.
Memories of writing this drivel regurgitated this week when a media release lobbed into the inbox from Psychic World under the romantic headline, Which Star Sign is the Luckiest in Love? It had commissioned Celebrity Psychic Inbaal Honigaman to tell all.
Pisces of course, I thought, if it wasn’t it should be, but then I thought it probably wise not to revert to my bad old habits of making stuff up. Anyhow, it offered some fascinating information, way better than anything I could concoct.
Does the world of astrology have all the answers? Probably not, but they can still take a starring role. Photo: Yasmin Imamur.
Turns out, Taurus (no bull) is the luckiest, scoring 95 per cent, according to Psychic World, with Libra home and dry on 90 per cent, Virgo sensibly on 85 per cent, Cancer sweet on 80 per cent, Leo roaring ahead on 75 per cent and Pisces, despite obviously being the best astrological sign ever, back on 70 per cent.
If you want the complete lowdown – although nothing much exists post-Pisces – two-faced Gemini was at 65 per cent, Scorpio bit into 60 per cent, Sagittarius was not much of a risk-taker at 55 per cent, Capricorn determined to do better than 50 per cent next time, Aries was keen to jump over Capricorn at 45 per cent and Aquarius on 40 per cent, barely came up for air.
Not quite sure how they came up with these percentages, I’m guessing a crystal ball was involved, but interestingly, it said Taurus was the luckiest in love because it was ruled by Venus, the planet of lurve. It also mentioned Taureans had a lot to offer their partners, what with their ability to “cook, hug and great taste in movies” – hopefully not all at the same time.
And for you fellow Pisceans, in case you were wondering, basically, we know we’re fabulous. And modest.
“Pisceans are highly romantic and turn every aspect of life into a walking, talking fantasy. Affectionate and selfless, those born under the sign of the fish will do anything for love. They’ll give anyone a second chance, and often a third.”
Bless the bliss.
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