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Where are all the men?

By Samara Gentle 11 July 2014 42

dating-drinks

A question asked by a lot of my single friends and if you’ve lived in Canberra long enough you’d know that certain night spots have reputations as to the type of men they attract.

In case you didn’t know or it’s been so long since you’ve been on the dating scene, let me help you.

Mooseheads

Mooseheads is entirely dependent on which floor you happen to be on. Ground Floor or lower you’re likely to find men from defence and NRL fans, whereas if you head upstairs to the ‘nightclub’ levels you’ll run into barely legal 18 year olds celebrating their first night out drinking!

Academy

If you’re a fan of electronica then Academy is the place to meet your potential spirit animal, full of guys leaping around to techno music you might not have a deep and meaningful conversation but you’ll have a laugh and a dance.

Treehouse

Fairly new on the scene Treehouse has become a standard public service hangout with good lunchtime specials and a very chilled bar vibe. I’ve found Treehouse a good place to meet young and social public servants.

Molly

Another new kid on the block is Molly and although I haven’t been myself, my single gal pals say it’s a great place to meet ANU students with the occasional public servant thrown in. No surprises given how close it is to ANU and its student housing.

Uni Pub

Similar to Mooseheads, the kind of guys you’ll meet at Uni Pub depends on the floor you go to. Mostly it’s full of uni students, footy fans and hospitality workers. They also run a yearly Valentine’s Day singles event for those who like the idea of the traffic light wristbands.

Honkytonks

The few times I’ve been to Honkytonks (usually a Friday after work) I get the distinct creative vibe. The people there are usually public servants, but the ones that also have something creative going on outside those government walls. Artists, musicians, entrepreneurs and the like tend to hang out here.

Samara is the Editor of Big Ink Magazine and spends her time writing and perusing the latest fashion. She doesn’t believe in true love or Prince Charming, but finding someone to enhance your life rather than hinder it.

Now time for the other locals to weigh in – what are your thoughts on the above venues and the types you’ll meet there?


What’s Your opinion?


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Where are all the men?
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Apsara 8:25 pm 20 Jul 14

Thanks Nightshade and JessicaGlitter – some very supportive words there.

Love the mooseheads comment – I laughed thinking about it …”ok sweeties – I’m off to mooseheads now- come give mummy a big kiss goodbye and mummy promises she’ll pick up some maccas breakfast on her way home tomorrow morning” It’s so not me but funny all the same.

At this stage, I’d be very happy just to meet people – all types… and start doing lots of interesting things – with and without the kids. I know we are not going to like or get along with everyone…. but it would be nice to meet people with common interests and actually get a great friendship out of it….rather than be sneered and made to feel inferior or bad because I had the courage to ‘put myself’ out there.

JessicaGlitter 2:30 pm 19 Jul 14

Wow, Aspara. Looks like you avoided something horrible with Mister “Wonderful” there!

Yes getting out and meeting people would be a very different experience for you, not least of all because you need to plan around those gorgeous kids. You can’t just say “Well, mummy’s off to Mooseheads! I’ll be home by 5!”

Good luck!

Nightshade 12:19 am 19 Jul 14

Apsara said :

Thanks Maya – yes – good points and some that I already alluded to earlier in the post about joining meet up groups to meet people. I certainly dont go around telling people upfront that I’m a widow and looking for a new relationship… I just want to meet people and make friends at this stage.

Apsara, I’m sorry for your loss and the situation you find yourself in now.

Since you’ve mentioned joining meetup groups as a way to meet people, I’d like to encourage you to go ahead. I’ve been to many meetups in the past 18 months after finding myself in need of a new social life, and think it’s a great concept. The thing about meetup is that everyone is there because, for whatever reason, they want to meet people. They could be new to Canberra, kids left home, separated/divorced, just realised they only know people from work, friends all married or moved away … any number of things. As a consequence, they’re generally happy to talk to everyone else there and there’s no problem with people not wanting to be approached. And there are lots of groups with different themes, so if you try one and it’s not your cup of tea, try others. It took me a while to find a group I really liked, but I’m glad I persevered.

Apsara 10:37 am 18 Jul 14

Thanks Maya – yes – good points and some that I already alluded to earlier in the post about joining meet up groups to meet people. I certainly dont go around telling people upfront that I’m a widow and looking for a new relationship… I just want to meet people and make friends at this stage.

No – not desperate by any stretch of the imagination. Since going from being happily married for 24 years to suddenly solo… it’s an assault on your mind having to start from scratch when you didn’t expect to be in this situation (it was a sudden and unexpected death).

I know life is hard dating as a middle aged person, with kids etc…. but add widowhood into the mix, with no support from family and friends and it makes dating a mine field. It’s harder to take the rebuffs because we are already fragile enough as it is.

Maya123 9:49 pm 17 Jul 14

Apsara said :

Lazy – you’ve described 99% of the men I know (married friends)… but you also forgot they love fishing, diving, boating and drag racing. However, my late husband (he died aged 40) was the opposite to what you described, so I got lucky on that one I suppose.

I don’t have a problem with people having their own opinions. I was merely replying to Watto’s comment that women are only interested in your APS level IE: the superficial nature of women when dating. I was just showing the same applies to men, sometimes.

Jessica – we pretty much had most things in common in terms of work, hobbies and likes. It’s ok that this guy didn’t find me attractive…but it was his condescending attitude towards me when pointed out that we did have so much in common… It was the sneer that I wasn’t ‘in his league’ in the physical sense that made me jump to that conclusion.

It is very hard to gain the courage to even ask a guy and then to be rebuffed so harshly – especially because I’m a young widow and the pain of having to start this process is totally distressing at the best of times.

It sounds like you might be trying too hard; perhaps coming across as a bit desperate. You shouldn’t think you are “having to start this process”; that’s why I mentioned desperate. Perhaps that might have scared him off. These are only speculations, because I wasn’t there. It might have been nothing like this; I can only go on what you wrote. Don’t purposely look for someone; instead join groups where you will meet people with similar tastes. Try some new ideas. If you don’t get out as much as you want, perhaps join a bush walking group, take up cycling and join others doing this. Take up a sport. Take a night class. Volunteer. There are many other places to meet people. Don’t set out to meet someone new; don’t force it, and then you might suddenly find yourself spending more time with a man, and friendship leads to something more serious.

Apsara 9:06 pm 17 Jul 14

Lazy – you’ve described 99% of the men I know (married friends)… but you also forgot they love fishing, diving, boating and drag racing. However, my late husband (he died aged 40) was the opposite to what you described, so I got lucky on that one I suppose.

I don’t have a problem with people having their own opinions. I was merely replying to Watto’s comment that women are only interested in your APS level IE: the superficial nature of women when dating. I was just showing the same applies to men, sometimes.

Jessica – we pretty much had most things in common in terms of work, hobbies and likes. It’s ok that this guy didn’t find me attractive…but it was his condescending attitude towards me when pointed out that we did have so much in common… It was the sneer that I wasn’t ‘in his league’ in the physical sense that made me jump to that conclusion.

It is very hard to gain the courage to even ask a guy and then to be rebuffed so harshly – especially because I’m a young widow and the pain of having to start this process is totally distressing at the best of times.

JessicaGlitter 11:04 am 17 Jul 14

Aspara it might be that the things you noticed that you shared in common with the man were not things that he particularly values.

Perhaps he wasn’t looking for someone to share his taste in literature but if he’s looking to settle down, then he might be looking for someone who shares his religion, smoking/drinking/drugs policy, someone who aspires to a similar home life, and who he thinks would get along with his friends.

Or if he’s looking to NOT settle down (I’ve been there!) he might only be thinking about the way you like to have fun.

justin heywood 10:55 am 17 Jul 14

There are some people who are immediately physically attractive. There are also some people who are interesting and reasonably successful in life.

But perfect people who are all these things are pretty rare. Finding one who is available and also attracted to you is even more rare. Like just abut anything else, we just have to work out what is the most important and compromise on the rest.

I think a lot of people today aren’t prepared to compromise on anything. I know men and women in their late 30s and 40s who are single because they are still waiting for the ‘right one’, meaning one who ticks every desirable box. No-one will ever will.

bundah 10:30 am 17 Jul 14

Lazy I said :

Apsara said :

I took that as – you are not a size 8, blonde, chesty 25 year old therefore I have no interest in you.

Got it in one.. all men that don’t like you must just be after a size 8, 25 year old chesty blonde.. because surely a man wouldn’t be interested in anything else..? and surely they shouldn’t have a right to their own opinion or taste?

Here are some more stereotype cliff notes to increase your dating chances in future:
All men love football, beer, BBQs and spending all their (and your) money at Bunnings, Super Cheap Auto and BCF.
They order takeout (usually KFC or Pizza Hut) when it’s their turn to cook
They can’t remember anniversaries, especially wedding anniversaries (ugh! men!)
They don’t do housework, wash frequently enough or put the toilet seat down
They are terrible lovers but will still dump you for their secretary when you hit 40.

All the best this weekend with your new found knowledge!

Well I don’t tick any of those boxes, perhaps that’s been the problem all along….

Maya123 9:46 am 17 Jul 14

Lazy I said :

Apsara said :

I took that as – you are not a size 8, blonde, chesty 25 year old therefore I have no interest in you.

Got it in one.. all men that don’t like you must just be after a size 8, 25 year old chesty blonde.. because surely a man wouldn’t be interested in anything else..? and surely they shouldn’t have a right to their own opinion or taste?

Here are some more stereotype cliff notes to increase your dating chances in future:
All men love football, beer, BBQs and spending all their (and your) money at Bunnings, Super Cheap Auto and BCF.
They order takeout (usually KFC or Pizza Hut) when it’s their turn to cook
They can’t remember anniversaries, especially wedding anniversaries (ugh! men!)
They don’t do housework, wash frequently enough or put the toilet seat down
They are terrible lovers but will still dump you for their secretary when you hit 40.

All the best this weekend with your new found knowledge!

LOL, sounds about right.

Lazy I 11:02 pm 16 Jul 14

Apsara said :

I took that as – you are not a size 8, blonde, chesty 25 year old therefore I have no interest in you.

Got it in one.. all men that don’t like you must just be after a size 8, 25 year old chesty blonde.. because surely a man wouldn’t be interested in anything else..? and surely they shouldn’t have a right to their own opinion or taste?

Here are some more stereotype cliff notes to increase your dating chances in future:
All men love football, beer, BBQs and spending all their (and your) money at Bunnings, Super Cheap Auto and BCF.
They order takeout (usually KFC or Pizza Hut) when it’s their turn to cook
They can’t remember anniversaries, especially wedding anniversaries (ugh! men!)
They don’t do housework, wash frequently enough or put the toilet seat down
They are terrible lovers but will still dump you for their secretary when you hit 40.

All the best this weekend with your new found knowledge!

Frustrated 8:30 pm 16 Jul 14

gooterz said :

nazasaurus said :

watto23 said :

milkman said :

nazasaurus said :

milkman said :

Try washing off some of the desperate and you might do better.

Why the sneering condescension? There is nothing wrong with going out looking nice and expecting to meet new people, have good conversation and flirt with the view of something more potentially? and who says it has to be a loud sweaty club? There are plenty of nice bars where you can have a civilised conversation and meet someone if that’s what you want. Something I have noticed with Canberra is that once you turn 30 you just stay at home and aren’t expected to do the above, and if you do you are likely to be disappointed with the talent. The men that I have seen out don’t put much effort into their appearance and wont approach a women to say hi in a non drunk state. More over 30s need to get out, put some effort in and socialise.

Why would those men bother? Many single women in Canberra seem to think they deserve some magical prince and won’t settle for anything less. I know a number of single women through work (in their 30s) who constantly ask “why won’t guys ask me out”? But when a guy does ask them out, they’re too old, too short, not in a well paid job, not fit enough, don’t want children, etc. The question for the guys, then, is why would they want someone so demanding and, frankly, vain. Are they hot, fit, well paid, etc?

Bottom line, if you want to meet someone with whom you’re likely to share something special, get out and do the things you like to do, but with other people. Writing a big post about the different bars in Canberra, and generalising about the people who go there just smacks of desperation to me.

That is my experience also. Even online dating, I respond to women, who are into travelling an educated intelligent men, which fits me perfectly. You send them a message saying you’d love to chat etc, and the response is, sorry I don’t think we have much in common. ie she looked at the photo and wrote you off. I’ve been asked by several women on a first date about what level I’m in in the PS. The fact i’m not a public servant means they can never work out my wage. They never have a second date with me either.

I know not all women are like this, same for guys they are not all the same stereotype, but often you have to look at your own expectations as well.

What I was trying to say is that not enough people feel confident or refuse for whatever reason to go out and socialise in this town, esp in the over 30s at a nice a bar or whatever.

My observation is that you will see more nicely dressed ladies than you will men, men seem to put less effort in general into their appearance at these venues, I think this carries across to how they approach women. Another observation is that you will see many nice guys shopping or at the supermarket but not out socialising. They are all either taken or don’t go out. I know many girls that have realistic expectations and not socially challenged, yet they tell me they rarely meet these guys out. Speaking from personal experience, I have nothing in common with my husband in terms of interests, we would never have met pursuing common interests or hobbies, yet we get along great.

Online just like face to face involves an initial physical chemistry or attraction so being turned down by someone isn’t about them being fake, its just life and nothing to be offended by, just keep getting out there and meeting more people.

Canberra is a largely cliquey town, the best chance you have to meet someone at a bar is either if you look like Patrick Dempsey or they are out of town.
The average lady will wear huge amounts of makeup and be slightly overweight, you approach her to say anything to her and she’ll dismiss you saying she’s not interested. Go anywhere else in Aus, you can meet people and chat with reasonable success.

Most of the ladies will only be interested in friends of friends met elsewhere. Most are too timid to talk to someone they just met.

Definitely agree that Canberra is a cliquey town….I also find, if you are on your own, you get ignored too pretty much.

farnarkler 9:44 pm 15 Jul 14

Just curious, would those of you in the 35-55 age group who do enjoy a night out prefer to go to an existing establishment or an organised party, with similar aged people, like a couple of places (The Treehouse and the Hellenic Club, Woden) did on Valentine’s day?

gooterz 9:25 pm 15 Jul 14

nazasaurus said :

watto23 said :

milkman said :

nazasaurus said :

milkman said :

Try washing off some of the desperate and you might do better.

Why the sneering condescension? There is nothing wrong with going out looking nice and expecting to meet new people, have good conversation and flirt with the view of something more potentially? and who says it has to be a loud sweaty club? There are plenty of nice bars where you can have a civilised conversation and meet someone if that’s what you want. Something I have noticed with Canberra is that once you turn 30 you just stay at home and aren’t expected to do the above, and if you do you are likely to be disappointed with the talent. The men that I have seen out don’t put much effort into their appearance and wont approach a women to say hi in a non drunk state. More over 30s need to get out, put some effort in and socialise.

Why would those men bother? Many single women in Canberra seem to think they deserve some magical prince and won’t settle for anything less. I know a number of single women through work (in their 30s) who constantly ask “why won’t guys ask me out”? But when a guy does ask them out, they’re too old, too short, not in a well paid job, not fit enough, don’t want children, etc. The question for the guys, then, is why would they want someone so demanding and, frankly, vain. Are they hot, fit, well paid, etc?

Bottom line, if you want to meet someone with whom you’re likely to share something special, get out and do the things you like to do, but with other people. Writing a big post about the different bars in Canberra, and generalising about the people who go there just smacks of desperation to me.

That is my experience also. Even online dating, I respond to women, who are into travelling an educated intelligent men, which fits me perfectly. You send them a message saying you’d love to chat etc, and the response is, sorry I don’t think we have much in common. ie she looked at the photo and wrote you off. I’ve been asked by several women on a first date about what level I’m in in the PS. The fact i’m not a public servant means they can never work out my wage. They never have a second date with me either.

I know not all women are like this, same for guys they are not all the same stereotype, but often you have to look at your own expectations as well.

What I was trying to say is that not enough people feel confident or refuse for whatever reason to go out and socialise in this town, esp in the over 30s at a nice a bar or whatever.

My observation is that you will see more nicely dressed ladies than you will men, men seem to put less effort in general into their appearance at these venues, I think this carries across to how they approach women. Another observation is that you will see many nice guys shopping or at the supermarket but not out socialising. They are all either taken or don’t go out. I know many girls that have realistic expectations and not socially challenged, yet they tell me they rarely meet these guys out. Speaking from personal experience, I have nothing in common with my husband in terms of interests, we would never have met pursuing common interests or hobbies, yet we get along great.

Online just like face to face involves an initial physical chemistry or attraction so being turned down by someone isn’t about them being fake, its just life and nothing to be offended by, just keep getting out there and meeting more people.

Canberra is a largely cliquey town, the best chance you have to meet someone at a bar is either if you look like Patrick Dempsey or they are out of town.
The average lady will wear huge amounts of makeup and be slightly overweight, you approach her to say anything to her and she’ll dismiss you saying she’s not interested. Go anywhere else in Aus, you can meet people and chat with reasonable success.

Most of the ladies will only be interested in friends of friends met elsewhere. Most are too timid to talk to someone they just met.

Apsara 8:13 pm 15 Jul 14

Yes – A Riot Act dating thread. Great idea. I’ll go first…I like pina coladas, getting caught in the rain (ok, so those lines have been taken)

Watto – I get the same from men. I too like interesting people who are up for good conversation and a laugh.

Met a guy at a party – totally similar interests, down to the exact same book we were both currently reading (Battle of Stalingrad – not many women into military history, hey?). He dismisses me with a ‘we have nothing in common’ sneer.

I took that as – you are not a size 8, blonde, chesty 25 year old therefore I have no interest in you.

nazasaurus 7:14 pm 14 Jul 14

watto23 said :

milkman said :

nazasaurus said :

milkman said :

Try washing off some of the desperate and you might do better.

Why the sneering condescension? There is nothing wrong with going out looking nice and expecting to meet new people, have good conversation and flirt with the view of something more potentially? and who says it has to be a loud sweaty club? There are plenty of nice bars where you can have a civilised conversation and meet someone if that’s what you want. Something I have noticed with Canberra is that once you turn 30 you just stay at home and aren’t expected to do the above, and if you do you are likely to be disappointed with the talent. The men that I have seen out don’t put much effort into their appearance and wont approach a women to say hi in a non drunk state. More over 30s need to get out, put some effort in and socialise.

Why would those men bother? Many single women in Canberra seem to think they deserve some magical prince and won’t settle for anything less. I know a number of single women through work (in their 30s) who constantly ask “why won’t guys ask me out”? But when a guy does ask them out, they’re too old, too short, not in a well paid job, not fit enough, don’t want children, etc. The question for the guys, then, is why would they want someone so demanding and, frankly, vain. Are they hot, fit, well paid, etc?

Bottom line, if you want to meet someone with whom you’re likely to share something special, get out and do the things you like to do, but with other people. Writing a big post about the different bars in Canberra, and generalising about the people who go there just smacks of desperation to me.

That is my experience also. Even online dating, I respond to women, who are into travelling an educated intelligent men, which fits me perfectly. You send them a message saying you’d love to chat etc, and the response is, sorry I don’t think we have much in common. ie she looked at the photo and wrote you off. I’ve been asked by several women on a first date about what level I’m in in the PS. The fact i’m not a public servant means they can never work out my wage. They never have a second date with me either.

I know not all women are like this, same for guys they are not all the same stereotype, but often you have to look at your own expectations as well.

What I was trying to say is that not enough people feel confident or refuse for whatever reason to go out and socialise in this town, esp in the over 30s at a nice a bar or whatever.

My observation is that you will see more nicely dressed ladies than you will men, men seem to put less effort in general into their appearance at these venues, I think this carries across to how they approach women. Another observation is that you will see many nice guys shopping or at the supermarket but not out socialising. They are all either taken or don’t go out. I know many girls that have realistic expectations and not socially challenged, yet they tell me they rarely meet these guys out. Speaking from personal experience, I have nothing in common with my husband in terms of interests, we would never have met pursuing common interests or hobbies, yet we get along great.

Online just like face to face involves an initial physical chemistry or attraction so being turned down by someone isn’t about them being fake, its just life and nothing to be offended by, just keep getting out there and meeting more people.

JessicaGlitter 2:21 pm 14 Jul 14

I get the feeling Samara is a bit younger than me, maybe early 20s? All the options she’s suggested are popular with students and one is named after a street term for ecstasy.

I get that going to a bar or tavern is a great way to meet new people but the more domesticated fella is more likely to be found in a more suburban and altogether quieter alternative where you can talk to the people you meet rather than just rubbing up against them.

I’ve met boyfriends at sneaky raves, the Belgian Beer Cafe in Kingston, All Bar Nun in O’Connor, at church (Buddhist church actually but you get the idea), and through the big social club that is a night out in Manuka.

There’s still plenty of single men in Manuka and some hot new divorcees coming onto the market too which is an option for ladies in the appropriate age bracket who understand the drama involved. You don’t even have to go to a bar, one of the cutest couples of the last couple of years simply locked eyes across a busy cafe and then she asked the proprietor, “Who’s that sexy creature?”

Mysteryman 1:21 pm 14 Jul 14

chewy14 said :

Mysteryman said :

Here’s a novel idea: stop looking in nightspots. Try something different. If you aren’t prepared to try something different, then accept the shallowness of the pool you have to select from.

The kind of blokes who are keepers aren’t likely to be hanging around a bar or nightclub looking for whatever they can get.

Who says people who hang around bars and nightclubs are looking for “whatever they can get”?

Nah , I suppose you’re right, decent and respectful folk only hang around church or the library and other fun fun exciting places.

I said it. Didn’t you read what I wrote? You don’t have to be a genius to know that nightspots encourage the “whatever they can get” sort of crowd. Generally speaking, the people who want a meaningful relationship don’t go looking for them at Shooters, or Mooseheads, or Tongue and Groove, etc.

I know you’re smart enough to understand that, and I know you know it’s true. You’re just being argumentative.

watto23 10:17 am 14 Jul 14

milkman said :

nazasaurus said :

milkman said :

Try washing off some of the desperate and you might do better.

Why the sneering condescension? There is nothing wrong with going out looking nice and expecting to meet new people, have good conversation and flirt with the view of something more potentially? and who says it has to be a loud sweaty club? There are plenty of nice bars where you can have a civilised conversation and meet someone if that’s what you want. Something I have noticed with Canberra is that once you turn 30 you just stay at home and aren’t expected to do the above, and if you do you are likely to be disappointed with the talent. The men that I have seen out don’t put much effort into their appearance and wont approach a women to say hi in a non drunk state. More over 30s need to get out, put some effort in and socialise.

Why would those men bother? Many single women in Canberra seem to think they deserve some magical prince and won’t settle for anything less. I know a number of single women through work (in their 30s) who constantly ask “why won’t guys ask me out”? But when a guy does ask them out, they’re too old, too short, not in a well paid job, not fit enough, don’t want children, etc. The question for the guys, then, is why would they want someone so demanding and, frankly, vain. Are they hot, fit, well paid, etc?

Bottom line, if you want to meet someone with whom you’re likely to share something special, get out and do the things you like to do, but with other people. Writing a big post about the different bars in Canberra, and generalising about the people who go there just smacks of desperation to me.

That is my experience also. Even online dating, I respond to women, who are into travelling an educated intelligent men, which fits me perfectly. You send them a message saying you’d love to chat etc, and the response is, sorry I don’t think we have much in common. ie she looked at the photo and wrote you off. I’ve been asked by several women on a first date about what level I’m in in the PS. The fact i’m not a public servant means they can never work out my wage. They never have a second date with me either.

I know not all women are like this, same for guys they are not all the same stereotype, but often you have to look at your own expectations as well.

VYBerlinaV8_is_back 9:19 am 14 Jul 14

rommeldog56 said :

Apsara said :

Having just entered the dating market after a 24 year absence, wow – haven’t things changed? Mid 40’s is too old for the hipsters and too young for the grey hair set.

My first foray was online dating – where I was only contacted by scammers and a guy wanting an affair. Ouch.

I thought I may have to do some meet up groups – I like groups and actually meeting people IRL and talking over a social event. Now I need to confidence to just do it.

If that doesn’t work out – then it’s aisle 3 at Woolies Gungahlin on a Saturday night at 8.30. So single guys, if you see that spunky 40-something fun-loving woman hanging around the bananas and apples, checking out what’s in your basket – then it’s probably me.

Hmmmm…….maybe RiotAct should start an online introduction/dating forum…….lol……?

There Will Be Shouting.

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