After three months on air, Johnboy and I decided to see where Channelvision is up to (see our last review here). I think they say they update their programs every week, but looking at the program guide they still appeared to be showing the kanagaroo documentary and one about George Barlin which were on when we last watched it. However, as it transpired, this program guide was not necessarily to be trusted.
So here it is, the great Channelvision review Number 2, as inspired by TSSH.
Johnboy: Are you there?
Kerces: I’m here
Johnboy: Good band? kinda Linkin Park?
Kerces: maybe, haven’t listened to much of them
I like the animation
Johnboy: That’s the fleet air arm museum in Nowra
Kerces: or Temora maybe?
cheerleaders and planes?
Johnboy: pulling out all the stops
Kerces: yuh huh
Johnboy: shame they couldn’t put a super on to tell us who the bands are
Kerces: yeah I know
is it all the same band?
Johnboy: this is a different band to the first one
Johnboy: they got a monaro in there!
Kerces: the dark violence of beauty and Mr Antelope
Kerces: this was pretty cheap film clip to make
so this is mr antelope? or is that the song name?
Johnboy: the song’s called mr antelope
Kerces: ahh. so why didn’t the other bands get a name?
Johnboy: because they didn’t put a super on their clips
Kerces: fly screen lighting
Johnboy: ooh look at those green eyes
Kerces: programâ€™s called the base. this isnâ€™t on their schedule, are you sure you got the whole thing?
Johnboy: more useless bloody tourism ads
Kerces: actew â€¦ now I know what John Mackay looks like and I recognise him
it’s still in widescreen…
citynews ads whoopee
Johnboy: so we had an ad for one of their shows and then straight back into ads?
Kerces: unless they’re featuring these kids in their show?
Johnboy: wanna bet?
do you think they sold this ad space to qantas on the basis of actual viewers or total transtv subscribers?
Kerces: total subscribers of course
credits for the ads!!
Johnboy: end credits to ads?
bring on the content already!
Johnboy: transmobile ad. surprise surprise
and then more tourism
Kerces: cos transact subscribers need to visit canberra
we already saw that quadrate ad
Johnboy: cedric and simon telling us to save water
look here’s the schedule as published: complete program guide
Kerces: well they lie
Johnboy: and then an ad for the channelvision owners
Kerces: and the citynews one again
Johnboy: check out this pile of wank about what fun go-getters the channel team are
Kerces: 90,000 readers each week huh [for the viewers at home, that was CityNewsâ€™s claim]
Johnboy: 90,000 copies dumped in the stormwater
Kerces: I think we’re stuck on an ad loop
Johnboy: that’s how they make the program go for 6 hours
Kerces: yuh huh
Johnboy: we keep getting different bits of the channel getting promo’d between the looping ads
bloody qantas kids
Kerces: [looking at the above pile of wank JB pointed to] ooh girls grammar fashion parade…I wanna see that
Johnboy: could it be… could a show be starting?
Kerces: that girl in the man’s shirt and the boring man again
Johnboy: that only took 20 minutes
Kerces: longer ad breaks than anywhere else
Johnboy: Business showâ€¦ some guy called Chris Males from Pro-Fit corporate health
Kerces: have they got a new backdrop?
Johnboy: Chris looks like road kill about to happen
I think it’s the old backdrop
Kerces: they don’t have the bouncy chairs anymore though
geez ask some little questions to get the guy relaxed instead of all these massive and long ones
Johnboy: So they contract to make workplaces more healthy?
Kerces: OH&S buddies?
they give reports on staff health so the company does things to make them healthier so they can work longer I think
Johnboy: Like the dilbert where the boss uses blood pressure checks to see who can take more work piled on top?
Does this remind you of a CityNews feature?
Kerces: just a little
except better written
Johnboy: but I can skim a citynews piece in 30 seconds and we’ve been here for 5 minutes
Kerces: cos in citynews someone’s already done the subbing for you and cut out all the more boring bits
boot camps in the workplace? hurdles over cubicles!
Johnboy: I bet he’s a popular guy
good looking though
Johnboy: with those paintscrapers for front teeth?
Kerces: I mean overall
Johnboy: quoting self-improvement books, wanker
Kerces: next step from setting up this company must be to write a self-help manual
Johnboy: he already does motivational speaking, hope he’s not this boring when he’s up on stage.
Kerces: he wouldn’t be opposite a boring interviewer
Johnboy: posture nazis
Kerces: work place massages…I’d be up for that
www.pfcorporatehealth.com is his site for those interested
Johnboy: until the ALP gets stuck into your department in senate estimates
Kerces: but I’d be so relaxed from all the massages it wouldn’t matter
Johnboy: all that good work undone by John Faulkner and his glasses
Kerces: you know what the channelvision promo reminds me of?
Johnboy: 10 minutes of content and back to ads.
who’d of thought you could make a TV Channel with NO content whatsoever that hadn’t been paid for.
Kerces: LDA ad
and before that more canberra tourism
actew â€“ their third different one
hey the vox pops got a new intro. and a different idiot behind the mike
and I’ve got my grammar fashion show
Johnboy: at CCEGGS
Kerces: yr 12 breakfast…designed so you don’t get too drunk before the formal
year 12s get so sick of people asking what they’re going to do next year
Johnboy: dismal interview
Kerces: “i’m a bum at canberra girls grammar” â€“ way to finish the interview!
Johnboy: on the bright side the blonde is falling out of her top
Kerces: yeah I noticed
Johnboy: everyone’s off the europe daahlink
Kerces: she looks kinda like reese witherspoon
Johnboy: hey focus
Kerces: they’re all saying the same thing about the modelling/designing thing
Johnboy: what is it they’re saying? I don’t get it
Kerces: yr 12 is purely party? I would have thought he was young enough to remember yr 12 is when you have to worry about your future
sewer and a country singerâ€¦
we have a country music association in canberra?
and why do transact viewers care what girls grammar students are going to do in their summer holidays?
Johnboy: wow, it’s like watching a slow and grisly death
Kerces: belconnen markets again. they have a cheerful ad
Johnboy: war memorial
Quadrate. they’re a recuiting firm?
Kerces: I think so
their ad makes no sense
Kerces: back to their first ad
transact house ad
alrighty here we go
travel I think
Johnboy: how disappointing was GG fashion, they never showed us a damn thing!
Kerces: lots of cleavage and not much else
Kerces: do you think this is where the entire channelvision budget goes?
Johnboy: to a remote part of the Great Wall of China?
nice work if you can get it
Kerces: and South America somewhere too I think they said
Johnboy: hey wow, I’ve been there!
remote my arse you get a bus from the hostel
Kerces: that must be how come they got their pick of the people who â€œjust happenedâ€ to be there
Johnboy: so remote there’s a cable-car system up to the top!
Kerces: nice camera he’s got
“important to wear good hiking shoes” I’d like to see the person who’d wear heels up that
Johnboy: chinese folks will go up in disposable flip flops
Kerces: uh huh
Johnboy: Simatai, I’ve got the T-Shirt
Shame they don’t show the heaving screaming tourist market at the bottom
Kerces: that would kind of spoil the effect I guess
I do like an irish accent
Johnboy: god they’re talking bollocks
Kerces: there, he’s justifying the cable car
Johnboy: no problem with that, just don’t go telling me how remote, inaccessible, and dangerous it all is.
Kerces: now we’re off to an inca trail in peru
Johnboy: Macchu Picchu, I’ll have to get Che to critique it, he was there a couple of months ago
they seem to be hitting the low hanging fruit
Kerces: cusco…wasn’t that the name of the peasant in the Emperor’s New Groove?
Johnboy: ask someone who watches disney?
Kerces: actually I think it was the emperorâ€™s name
these tourists aren’t as picturesque
how can it be lost if there’s trails going to it? Macchu Picchu I mean
Johnboy: Well they only found it again recently
Che is waaaay more entertaining and informative than this gash and he’s just got a couple of dozen photographs
Kerces: odd, their supers of the people’s names capitalise their names but not the countries they’re from
they have a train to the lost city! I’m seeing a theme here
Johnboy: well he did need to change onto the tour bus
Kerces: but still
Johnboy: not exactly king solomon’s mines
Kerces: can you understand the guide?
Johnboy: yeah, no worse than most
Kerces: I’ll just have to listen better
Sent at 10:02 PM on Thursday
Johnboy: wow, they managed to make the wonders of the earth as dull as the business show
Kerces: seems to be a lot of either couples or siblings involved in this show
pairs with the same surnames anyway
ads! are we surprised?
Johnboy: be surprised if they missed them
Kerces: especially those tourism and actewaggle ones
ActewAGL is setting the benchmark in customer services? didn’t RA have stories just the other day about blackouts being constantly blamed on possums?
PostCode with Ian Leslie! pushing ActewAGL! knock me down with a feather!
Johnboy: I think they’re setting new benchmarks for dodgy soft focus and filters making their people look less ugly
do you think Ian Leslie is ashamed of what a whore he’s become? he used to be a real reporter
AHHHH! back to grammar for a proper feature, not the sad vox pop
Kerces: why’s the presenter got a bandaid on her shoulder?
Johnboy: new fashion?
Kerces: she’s got it in the interview too
Johnboy: covering a tat I reckon?
Kerces: nice clothes
swish dresses and street wear first then a whole bunch of kids wearing pyjamas I think
Johnboy: Gee grammar wouldn’t want to give a bigger impression they’re dedicated to churning out bimbos to marry the wealthy would they?
Kerces: it’s always interesting seeing these amateur fashion shows
usually half the models take it super serious and the other half are out to have as much fun as possible
that looks like a photography class exhibition, not anything to do with the textile classes
got her facts wrong (the interviewer)
only one outfit in the parade for the male population? in a girls school? in a sewing course? shocking!
and it was a top made from floor tiles
Johnboy: tough on the nipples
Kerces: it didn’t cover the nipples
Johnboy: static camera
Kerces: plug for the girls grammar 80th anniversary next year and their fashion retrospective
Johnboy: as if anyone but us will see it
Kerces: 22nd and 23rd september 2006…put it in you diaries folks
Johnboy: interviewer obviously ex-grammar herself
Kerces: I quite like some of their dresses
Johnboy: easy on the eye
Kerces: they seem to like showing lots of skin on this station
back in the studio and she’s changed clothes
Johnboy: can we see the bandaid?
Kerces: after having worn the same thing for the intro and the previous interview
ok the male top does cover his nipples
Johnboy: I think they shot this interview with the stage manager a few days later
I think the bandaid is still there
Johnboy: thank god they got rid of the bouncy chairs
Kerces: and they’ve now got a decent table too
Johnboy: what’s the interviewer doing with her hair?
Kerces: quiff with long straightness
Johnboy: “for those who weren’t there it was SOOO impressive”
and now they’re flogging grammar.
any money change hands over this?
Kerces: not really an interview is it? more of a giggly girly chat
which could work well but…
they shouldn’t cross their legs like that, at least not the interviewer cos she couldn’t resist jiggling it
Johnboy: well they’re certainly learning how to be pieces of meat
Kerces: we had a fashion parade at my college, but they always just borrowed clothes from shops at the mall
none of this making clothes business
Johnboy: Now an OB from the campus
Kerces: the interviewer’s back in the first outfit again
Johnboy: still with that bandaid
Kerces: is this the longest bit of content we’ve seen so far?
self indulgent isn’t it?
Johnboy: depends, I smell advertorial
Kerces: I thought the interviewer is obviously enjoying herself and talking to her mates so wouldn’t have found it too hard to get a nice long piece happening
I like that queen of hearts dress
Johnboy: “what are you doing next year?” AGAIN
“oooh I like Gaultier dahlink”
Kerces: “give me one word before we go. anything.”
what kind of question is that?
Johnboy: and they answered in sentences
Kerces: did we ever find out this presenter’s name
there we go…erin mollin
Johnboy: and back to adsâ€¦ I can’t take no more
schedule didn’t even have career vision on it
Kerces: methinks it’s useless
Johnboy: and then the only career they offered was being rich and pretty
Kerces: tune in next week for something else