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BOGANS…an anthropological study

By dragcity_cowgirl - 7 January 2006 33

“Bogan” The Definition :

Full Anthropological analysis :

Maximumus Tightblackjeanus Withmulletus.

First identified as a sub-species during the mid-70s, the Melbourne Bogan is thought to be a close relation of the Booner (found in Canberra’s outer suburbs) the Westie (spread throughout Western Sydney), and the Bevan
(Bribane). They are usually of Anglo Irish breeding stock and are generally found around the lower 2 rungs of the “Latham Ladder” trying desparately to get to the next one only to be beaten off by better educated WASPs and people of NESP backgrounds. They have no real tangible aspirations in life apart from feeling part of the Bogan Clan, having a full pack of Winfields, a box of JB Cans and an attitude you could cut with a gun shearer’s blade.

The typical lair of a bogan will have a full on JB Hi Fi/Video system, a well stocked frij (drinks & Jenny Craig food modules only) a show piece pine wall unit with mirror, flimsy bought on tick tables etc,frilly bed covers, lots of dork mirrors, big fluffy toys, posters of banal pop & movie stars (or even worse themselves & older Bogans may have a poster of the “King” = Elvis), walls/doors with holes punched/kicked in them and the only book in the lair will be the yellow pages with all the “Car Wrecker” pages heavily dog eared/marked.

The place will have a foul odour which is a mix of fat from grilled lamb chops, cheap perfume and clothes with a high bacteria count as they were left stacked up on top of the machine for 4 days when wet & never dried properly. Occasionally there may be an acoustic guitar with 4 of the 6 strings left and some Bogans now have computers so that they can communicate with other Bogans for “Cyber S@x” and “clandestine meetings” outside of their own clan.

It is believed the initial Melbourne population was introduced to purpose-built habitats such as Frankston and Dandenong. However, by the mid-80s, the species had multiplied to plague proportions, spreading through much of Footscray and further Western regions. While authorities considered a culling program, they need not have bothered, as the regional population began a rapid decline from the early ’90s onwards. The situation has now reached a critical point, with Bogans rarely sighted in Melbourne, and those remaining clinging to the region’s outskirts. In the year 2000, the species is now officially endangered.

Identifying a Bogan is not difficult. Males sport a distinctive hair growth called a “mullet” (short front and sides, long at back). Some scientists believe the growth is genetic, while others argue it is a product of nurture, as even extremely young males seem coerced by parents to adopt the growth. Other distinguishing male characteristics include a tight black denim covering on the hind limbs and bright flannelette markings on the forepaws and belly.

Males adopt a dominant status within the community, with a vague sense of rank defined by the ownership of aging Ford and Holden motor vehicles.

Female Bogans are entrusted with the raising of multiple offspring, a role they perform from a young age and often without the presence of the male. They may be similarly identified through distinctive denim markings, though the colour is usually “stonewash”. In warmer weather, females have been known to shed the lower layer of denim to just below the genital area, resulting in a “cut-off” effect.

Both males and females have been known to cover their lower hind-limbs with furry pouches called “ug-boots.” While the wild population of Bogans is dwindling, it is still possible to view them in their natural environment.
The species has been known to congregate around regional “shopping malls”, where family units often come to settle domestic issues using high-pitched wailing sounds.

After sunset, younger males and females meet in small dark enclaves known “Taverns” where they consume large amounts of a liquid called “Bourbon.”

There are numerous factors attributed to the decline of the local Bogan population. Scientists have identified the unpopularity of stadium rock as a contributing cause, while the development of adequate social infrastructure (ie. schools, medium-density housing) may have fragmented the species. More controversial theories suggest many bogans may have removed their mullets, purchased “cargo pants” and attempted to integrate themselves in Melbourne’s mainstream population, but these claims are yet to be substantiated. Some older males buy Harley Davidson motor cycles and become involved with other anti social groups who have ancestors linked to the first 18thC fleets of jetsom from Portsmouth & Mersyside.

At present there seems little hope of restoring the Bogan population to its previous levels. Recent attempts by the Federal Government have included the development of a new artificial habitat in outer Melbourne named “Sunbury”, but it seems this area may be too close to civilised air travel to attract large numbers of the species.

More successful has been an enclosed breeding program in Canberra called “Summernats”, which takes place annually at the National Exhibition complex in Watson. The program has proven highly effective, combining motor vehicles and bourbon with rampant displays of female sexuality. Authorities recently introduced a V8 Supercar race with similar results, and have attracted Bogan elders AC/DC for a brief national visit early next year.

What’s Your opinion?


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33 Responses to
BOGANS…an anthropological study
pm0203 2:17 pm 04 May 09

Could not see it here but Bogan weapons defined:

Beer bottle thrown out of car window at speed
Thumb Tacks thrown where cyclist ride
Dooring cyclists
Rude gestures, swearing.

An argument a Bogan understands, fingers tightly curled by hand and rapidly moved into Bogan face. If Bogan wakes up, he will assume you have won the argument.

All other forms of verbal stoush do not work with Bogans unless you are agreeing with them.

Absent Diane 9:40 am 11 Jan 06

Well….. I think there is something now that I call the superbooner…. it kind of started when jocks cross-bred with the gucci mullet crew. Now they have become homo-booner-superior as I like to call them. You know the kind, they wear the faux-salmon tshirts (read pink tshirts) with collars up despite the fact that they are not playing cricket (which is the only time that is acceptable)….
They speak a similar lingo to the booner, they list eye of the tiger and that cold chisel song as their favourite tunes, anthems if you will.
Habitats are Shooters, HeadMooses and Academy.

Not to be confused with the gucci mullet crew who claim class (despite still wearing the faux-salmon) and rave about the latest shitty retrorock band but take no real interest in music other than whats tops on JJJ. Far more bearable than the superbooner but still irritating.
Also not to be confused with the australian cut of the chav…. which are a) far worse than the super booner and b)on the up population wise..

Thumper 7:47 am 11 Jan 06

Okay, I’ve cracked. I live in Charnwood! However, on the good side (young Luke).

And I don’t have an AC/DC album, nor Ugg Boots, nor a mullett, or a black T shirt.

I do, however, have a dog.

And a theory. Brontonsaurus are thin at one end, get fatter in the middle, and then become thin again at the other end.

Sorry, wrong theory. Charny lost most of its booners when the Charny High closed down and the government started selling off govvie houses. As well, the redevelopment of the Charny shops and the demise of the Charny Tavern saw life a little difficult for the original Charny bogan.

this is not to say that they are extinct as there appears to be some breeding programs operating in West charnwood near the Dunlop/ Charnwood border.

One can only wonder if they will succeed or will they fail due to rampant commercialism and economic rationalism.

It could be a long road back.

Growling Ferret 7:51 pm 10 Jan 06

The Weston Creek booner is a thing of the past… When Weston Creek and Holder High school merged, it was the beginning of the end…

These days, you would be lucky to find a Metallica shirt in all of Weston Creek. And tight black jeans and rollers? A distant memory…

Spitfire3 4:59 pm 10 Jan 06

Um… Shit.

RandomGit 4:16 pm 10 Jan 06

It’s ok Spiddy, if you live above Alfred Hill Drive you are safe, below Alfred Hill is another story. I’m right on it, below. I own Ugg boots but I don’t have any ACDC albums so I think I’m safe for now.

Spitfire3 1:25 pm 10 Jan 06

Hey, I live in Melba! …and I sometimes wear jeans… uh oh.

Absent Diane 4:51 pm 09 Jan 06

So the old charny has become more like the pissing wall….. anyone on my wavelength (surely there must be some) will realise how bad a joke that is!!

Thumper 3:55 pm 09 Jan 06

Nah. Not quite true anymore as the old Tavern is now the new Charnwood Labor club and its getting extensions.

The Bogans come in search of the Holy Grail but find that it is no longer there and they get taunted.

And if they come back again they get taunted some more.

this is not to say that the Charny bogan does not still exist in the wild, as they do. However, they are increasingly declining in numbers and could possibly be put on the endangered species list.

close relatives of the species however are readily seen in Melba, Fraser (Fraser tavern being an essential cultural link and a sort of North West Mecca) and Macgregor.

Absent Diane 3:18 pm 09 Jan 06

or charny tavern or whatever the hell it is called…. is it true that all bogans/booners/westies etc have to make a once in a life trip to charnwood?????

Thumper 11:49 am 09 Jan 06

Or Chisolm tavern..

Absent Diane 11:34 am 09 Jan 06

I actually believe one of the fiercer breeds the weston creek booner is almost completely extinct… if you are lucky you may see one or two frolicking in the cooleman court carpark plains…pushing trolleys… favoured breeding ground ‘the station’ is gone..perhaps they have all moved to kambah…

johnboy 10:02 am 09 Jan 06

They’re a varied lot.

the south canberra bogan will wear tracksuits where the northican bogan tribe wear jeans.

Jane Hansard 7:13 pm 07 Jan 06

Sorry, it’s http://www.rbhq.net not .com
Jane Hansard

Jane Hansard 7:09 pm 07 Jan 06

Taxonomy record needs to be revised considerably here: there is a thriving bogan population in eastern Sydney, due to adaptation by the species and crossbreeding. Prominent examples are Amber Petty and Shari-Lea Hitchcock. It is quite common for bogans to have been bred in exclusive private schools: witness Amber Petty and Mark Alexander-Erber of Pubboy.
There are many behavioral variants amongst bogans: the Tuggeranong, ACT population is more likely to mate for life, while the Eastern Suburbs bogan is more inclined to “bedhop”. This may be due to access to plumage discards from former bogans such as Princess Mary of Denmark. Rare footage of Amber Petty has been posted showing her rolling on a mattress in her fuschia bridesmaid gear from the Danish royal wedding in May 2004. Whether there is such an animal as a ‘former bogan’ has not been researched; I am inclined to the belief that once a bogan always a bogan. Princess Mary’s cousin has recently been jailed on rape charges, which indicates ongoing bogan status for the princess. There is also the interesting issue of bogan ‘bleed’ intra family. It has been observed that the Danish Royal Family are beginning to take on certain bogan traits. This is a topic of ongoing research.
Dragcity Cowgirl’s excellent article has also missed the presence in the West Melbourne population of the ORIGINAL bogan footwear, a black sheepskin moccasin worn with a tight denim miniskirt.
Amber Petty is one of the most studied bogans in Australia; considerable research notes have been published in an obscure journal, http://www.rbhq.com, Royal Blue Forum, which is haunted by another ‘disguised bogan’ fraternity consisting of royalists. This fraternity was discovered by the anthropologist Emma Tom during research for her recently published biography of Princess Mary.
The case study of Amber Petty and Shari-Lea Hitchcock is ongoing, so research notes are welcome by email to: jane.hansard@gmail.com

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