Our 12-month-old is four weeks into daycare and cries at every drop-off. Photos: Hannah Sparks.
It’s the question on every exhausted first-time parent’s mind – especially mine.
Four weeks in, my partner and I still leave our 12-month-old daughter in tears, in the arms of a stranger, her tiny hands reaching for us as we walk away. Each drop-off feels gut-wrenching, and we can’t help but wonder: does it ever get better?
A friend told me that after every drop-off, she’d treat herself to a slice of cheesecake at the bakery near her daughter’s daycare. Honestly, I immediately felt less guilty about the chocolate digestives I devour the second I get to the office after drop-off. It’s not much, but it’s something.
My mama heart is constantly torn. I second-guess everything. Did I choose the right daycare? Am I doing long-term damage? Are the educators really being honest when they say she had a good day? Is a quick goodbye truly the best way to leave her?
The truth is, we have no choice. I need to work, and with no family nearby, this is our reality.
We’ve loved becoming a family of three, but find leaving our daughter with other people challenging.
I spent months preparing for this. I toured seven daycare centres, met with three family daycare providers and contacted countless others. It felt almost impossible to choose care for the most important person in my life based on a 30-minute tour.
I listened to podcasts, read guides and joined webinars aimed at easing the transition. My partner and I even spent an evening learning the lyrics to a goodbye song after hearing it was important to establish a ritual. We’ve alternated drop-offs, tried introducing a dummy (which didn’t work), rubbed breast milk on a comforter, laminated a photo of us for her to hold and talked about daycare as an extension of our village. We also focus on the fun activities and new friends she’ll make, but the reality is, she just wants us.
Everyone tells me daycare will be good for her – she’ll build social skills and develop resilience – but I can’t shake the feeling that she’s too tiny, too vulnerable and should be home with us until she’s at least talking.
And don’t get me wrong – I’m deeply grateful for the year of maternity leave I received. I know many parents don’t have that luxury, especially women in the daycare industry who are forced to return to work six weeks postpartum. I just wish there was a better solution for us all.
I also believe that most daycare workers are incredible people who genuinely care about children and do wonderful work. But I’m acutely aware that they can’t meet my daughter’s needs the way we can, especially with a caregiver-to-child ratio of 1:4.
Finding small ways to reconnect at the end of a daycare day, like spending time at the park or playground, or sharing a little ice-cream treat, has made this challenging season more enjoyable.
We did two days of orientation before leaving her for the first time. While it was positive in terms of familiarising ourselves with the educators and their routine, seeing other, even older children cry during drop-offs and throughout the day made us worry about how our daughter would fare.
She still cries every time we leave her and we’re told she cries on and off throughout the day. Sometimes she eats, sometimes she refuses food and sometimes she cries in her cot before eventually settling herself to sleep, refusing to be held or rocked.
Our daughter has bonded with the room leader, which gives us comfort, but I’m told she cries when she leaves the room.
I’ve found communicating openly with the room leader and centre director helpful. I feel heard, and it seems the educators are becoming more attuned to our family’s wishes. I’ve asked them to call me when she’s upset and to be honest about her day. I’ve also requested they rock her to sleep if possible.
The educators are always receptive to feedback, and I appreciate their willingness to respect our wishes. I also love the app and the updates, but I’ll admit — I often call or use the app to ask for more information. Maybe one day I’ll get the updates at pickup, but for now I need that extra reassurance.
The best advice I’ve received, so far, is to think of this transition like starting a new job. Even though our daughter has been going for four weeks, she’s only had six full days there. I wouldn’t expect to feel settled in a new job in that time, and that’s with a fully developed adult brain.
I know this season is temporary. As hard as it is right now, it’s just one chapter in our family’s journey. Every experienced parent I speak to says this is one of the toughest seasons of parenting. But it does get easier.
There is help out there
If you’re like me and struggling with this transition, remember that support is available. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Speaking with your GP or Maternal, Child and Family Health team can make a real difference. You can also access the Perinatal Wellbeing Centre in Canberra.
(02) 6287 3833, Monday – Friday (except public holidays), 9 am – 4 pm
Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia (PANDA) Helpline
1300 726 306, Monday – Friday, 9 am – 7:30 pm (AEST/AEDT); Saturday and public holidays, 9 am – 4 pm (AEST/AEDT)
ForWhen (for new and expecting parents)
1300 242 322, Monday – Friday, 9 am – 4:30 pm (AEST/AEDT)
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