Intergalactic space junk wastes a stellar cast

Yikes!

Every once in a while, there’s that one movie that comes out that is so painstakingly bad that once you have finished watching, you ask yourself, “Why did I put myself through that?”

So far this year, there has only been one “film” (for lack of a better word) that has made me feel this way, and that movie is Madame Web. However, after walking out of the new movie adaptation of the beloved video game Borderlands, I have added yet another film to that list.

It is truly astonishing that a movie with such rich source material and a lead actress of the calibre of Cate Blanchett can be so dreadful.

For those who are somehow still interested in seeing this dumpster fire, Borderlands sees a bounty hunter named Lillith (Cate Blanchett) given a contract to find and return the daughter of an intergalactic tech mogul.

Upon locating Tina (the daughter), Lillith realises the tech mogul can’t be trusted and forms a team of completely forgettable, uninspired, cosplay-looking Guardians of the Galaxy from Wish side characters to protect the girl from her evil father.

Now there are some other plot points entwined throughout, there’s something to do with a vault containing treasure and a prophecy about an all-powerful being, but it is so poorly put together that I found myself either not caring or checking my watch and counting down the minutes so I could leave.

I’ve been pretty vague throughout this review as to why I truly despised this film, and the reason is because there’s just so much to hate about it. So, instead of my usual review where I spend a paragraph or two listing pros and cons, I’m going to rapid-fire everything I disliked.

First is the editing. WTF?! I swear, no scene in this film goes longer than 90 seconds. Borderlands never spends time breathing, and the characters are always on the move. Not in a “we’re taking the one ring to Mt Doom” kinda way; instead, it’s “We’re in a tavern, but we need to catch a bus to get to a mine before returning to the city but only after visiting a burnt village” kinda way. It’s truly exhausting.

The jokes are so unfunny, too, and they’re not in the “it’s so bad it’s good category” either. I slightly exhaled once throughout the entire runtime, and it was a pee joke. (I felt terrible for laughing.)

The CGI is truly horrendous. It’s a testament that Spy Kids 3D, a movie that looked awful in 2003, has better rendering than certain moments in this.

Character outfits are inexcusably ugly as well. If you search up Comic Con or E3, you will find fan costumes that look more impressive than what Borderlands dished up.

In terms of acting, Cate Blanchett gives the worst performance of her career. Countless times throughout, her character says how much she hates everything and that she doesn’t want to be there. This was, ironically, the most relatable part of the entire experience.

Jack Black and Kevin Hart are also in this, and they are so annoying throughout. Their comedy is akin to bad improv and it wears thin shortly after the opening credits.

The script is also terrible. Every bit of dialogue is exposition, but because the movie is trying to condense four 20-plus-hour video games into a two-hour film, nothing is explained.

And finally, the villain, who only shows up three times throughout the movie (twice via a poorly rendered hologram), is among the most poorly written characters I’ve ever seen.

There was not one moment of joy to be found in Borderlands.

It won’t impress the fans of the games, and there is no chance of it bringing new people to the franchise either. In an age of great video game adaptation, including the recent Fallout and Last of Us TV shows and the Sonic The Hedgehog and Super Mario Bros movies, there is no need for anyone to ever watch this piece of crap.

Borderlands is currently showing in cinemas across the country.