What should we call future Canberra suburbs? Well, here's some ideas

The great Australian poet Les Murray came into Smiths Alternative Bookshop often. We once discussed his poem about ‘Canberra Suburbs’ in which he told of our suburbs named after the ideas which had shaped Australia – not named for people and politicians.

I shall play a set of tennis In the gardens of Red Menace
Shall I scorn to plant a dahlia In the soil of White Australia?

Excellent idea.

Another time I had a conversation with ex-chief minister Kate Carnell and asked, ‘Would you like a suburb or something named after you?’ Kate replied that she’d “rather have nothing at all, but definitely not an interchange”. Fair call, I thought.

So, what should the next lot of names of suburbs be? And what about the main thoroughfare or features of those suburbs? When the current and recent crop of policymakers move onto the great legislature up in the sky, what can we expect? Hopefully it is a long time before we have this problem. But let’s plan.

The future suburb of Morrison would perhaps have lots of churches. The suburb would have eight other names, but no-one would know that. The main street would be called ‘Robo-Debt Boulevarde’.

Next to Morrison would be Abbott where the only residents would be British who are all related to the royal family, with access through ‘Sir Prince Phillip Drive’.

The suburb of Howard will definitely have no boats. It would be very safe as there would also be no guns at all, nor weapons of mass destruction. The main street would be ‘Children Overboard Avenue’, with a great big roundabout called ‘GST Circuit’.

The suburb of Howard will be next to Morrison and Abbott on the far right side of the ACT (looking down from Sydney).

Turnbull is a suburb where utes aren’t allowed, and residents must have assets exceeding $200 m. The main drag would be ‘National Energy Guarantee Place’ – and be very short.

Keating would be full of banana trees, antiques and high-end tailor shops. The main shopping centre would be the ‘Unrepresentative Swill Farmer’s Market’.

Costello would only be for families with three children – with a ‘Leadership Cul-de-sac’.

Fyshwick could be renamed Rudd – the entry being from ‘Pole Dancers Turnpike’.

Gillard would be a suburb where men never lecture women – fair enough too. It would have a ‘Carbon Tax Expressway’. Or perhaps there could be a new suburb of Rudd which would be renamed Gillard every two years and vice versa. The main feature of this alternating suburb would be ‘PM’s Roundabout’.

Gallagher is a suburb for accountants and bean counters with ‘Razor Gang Circuit’.

The new suburbs of CFMEU and Barr would be next to each other, linked by an unbreakable chain bridge. The main throughfare would be called ‘Nothing to see Here Street’.

Seselja would be a suburb with the magnificent ‘Independents Bridge’ spanning ‘Pocock Parkway’. Pocock would be full of wallabies and good vibes.

Leigh would be statistically sound with ‘Economics101 Bypass’ and the marketplace would be ‘Competitive Neutrality Mall’.

Berry would be full of homeless people and those who can’t read. The suburb would be circled by the ‘Left-wing Ring Road’ and the other major road would be ‘Ideology Highway’ that leads nowhere.

Rattenbury would be a wholesome suburb of native grasses and mud brick houses. There would also be no roads, no cars, no dispatchable electricity, no dogs, no cats, no planes, no meat, no plastic, no processed food – just bikes and trams. Its main feature would be something very, very green.

Albanese would have ‘The Chairman’s Skate Park’ as its main feature, with only expensive houses in Upper Albo and commission housing in Lower Albo. The ‘Voice Way’ would be impossible to navigate and end badly.

John Stanhope doesn’t need a suburb as he has the wonder of the arboretum for prosperity.

As for the names of interchanges? Logically, that would be for famous sporting folk. Then Canberra would be an even more interesting place to visit. Also imagine the directions, people would come to our city just to hear the GPS instructions.

But then again, we saw before the ACT election that The Greens thought they could form government. Then they would surely have retitled all the politically named suburbs with the names of whales.

People in Whitlam would then be living in Humpback, Menzies would become Narwhal, Turner would be Blue, Downer becomes Bowhead, Hughes is Beluga, Watson Orca, Deakin turns to Moby Dick, Barton morphs to Minke, Calwell converts to Pygmy White and Parkes to Southern Right. But only the truest of the Green supporters would want to live in Sperm.

Canberra would be even more interesting with names like that. Do it.