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Uncle Ted’s Christmas speech finally goes online.

By johnboy - 16 January 2006 13

The laggards in the ACT Hansard office would have you believe they are a parliament. Unlike a real parliament they do not publish proof’s the next day to allow the public to engage in informed debate on doings in the Assembly. However they have finally extracted their colletive digits and published the final week of 2005.

This includes Ted Quinlan’s eye-brow raising Adjournment speech which I wouldn’t want you to miss. So here, from an internet Cafe in sunny Hobart, I bring you the speech taken from the hansard site.

MR QUINLAN (Molonglo-Treasurer, Minister for Economic Development and Business, Minister for Tourism, Minister for Sport and Recreation, and Minister for Racing and Gaming) (4.57): I am feeling a little un-Christmassy after that last debate. I have been thinking about Christmas and I had decided to give each member for Christmas a metaphorical or virtual doll to carry through the year.

Mr Speaker, your doll would be of an Australian worker, complete with union ticket and an inexhaustible supply of cotton wool. For Jon Stanhope, there would be a Maria Doogan doll, complete with a remote on and off switch. For Mr Brendan Smyth, there would be a Richard Mulcahy doll, which comes with an industrial-strength voodoo kit and assorted sharp objects. Mr Corbell would also get the industrial-strength voodoo kit, but his doll would be much larger and take the form of Terry Snow.

For Vicki Dunne, the doll would be that of Peter Mark Roget of Thesaurus fame, to help her as she seems to have been running out of superlatives in trying to damn the government, damn Simon Corbell and damn the Chief Minister; but with a pull-string there will be a new supply. Bill Stefaniak will get a petty criminal; it comes with a cage and an endless supply of keys, so each day he can lock him up and throw away the key.

John Hargreaves gets the Aussie cliche doll: you pull a string and you get “a rat up a drainpipe”, “like a ferret on heat”, “a head like a Mongolian trotting duck”or something similar. Jacqui Burke gets a constituent doll. This is a very clever doll; it can call her office regularly and therefore she can make true claims of constituent calls on a regular basis.

Mr Richard Mulcahy gets a Peter Costello job, with a coat made of very heavy material so it can withstand repeated tugging. Mary Porter gets a volunteer doll with its price tag because we need to know at all times the value of volunteers. Deb Foskey gets no doll at all, but she gets a dolls house-from the private stock; it would not come from public stock. Mr Mick Gentleman would get a gelignite Jack Murray doll, the famed rally driver who blasted his own path whenever necessary.

Steve Pratt gets a PC Plod doll, life size, to take up the post at the bottom of his driveway and to ever be deferential and respectful for a man of his station. Karin MacDonald gets what she was expecting, I think-a baby Jesus doll, because she is the Jew girl. But I have decided to give her a Mark Latham doll, because she might do to him what he thinks has already been done to him. Finally, Zed Seselja gets a Zed Seselja doll. This is a life-size doll that can be propped up in a committee room so he will not be missed so often. On a serious note for Katy Gallagher, our thoughts are with her, and I hope that she has in the near future a real, live, healthy doll of her own.

May I just take the last few minutes to thank all of the support staff that we have in the Assembly for what we often take for granted. I also thank my staff, my very clever staff; I rank them as a fantastic team. They have been together for some time; they work together well. They have got utterly no respect whatsoever for me, but they have done a sterling job over the years and I truly do appreciate what they have done.

How do we think he did?

What’s Your opinion?


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13 Responses to
Uncle Ted’s Christmas speech finally goes online.
Thumper 11:00 am 17 Jan 06

Actually, it is not a bad attempt….

Ah well, I guess they need to have a little fun now and then as well…

kimba 10:31 am 17 Jan 06

I sent the Mighty Quin’s speech to a friend on the Hill who said that Quinlan was carrying on the Christmas jokes that Gary Humphries established in the Assembly. I understand the good Senator used board games for each MLA.

Quite funny when read satirically

jr 9:00 am 17 Jan 06

barking toad: it makes more sense when you read what Karin MacDonald actually siad later on in Hansard: http://www.hansard.act.gov.au/hansard/2005/week15/4969.htm

Flip around a couple of pages and Vickie Dunne also did a reasonable effort at dry humour.

bonfire 4:07 pm 16 Jan 06

you have to go to the pirate theme restaraunt. they serve food in little pirate boat shaped bowls. its called admirals locker or something like that.

barking toad 3:48 pm 16 Jan 06

good to see Teddie take a swipe at that snout troughing user of public housing

don’t understand the jew girl reference – maybe she’s a tight arse

johnboy 2:16 pm 16 Jan 06

Cheers Thumper.

Already taken care of with the exception of the mexican place.

Thumper 2:05 pm 16 Jan 06

Hey JB,

while you’re down there make sure you do the ghost tour at Port Arthur.

Seriously cool….

Also, the two fish restaurants overlooking Constitution dock are recommended.

As is the Mexican place back a street that has the half price cocktails.

colsim 2:05 pm 16 Jan 06

I like it a lot (even if I don’t get all the references) – and just out of curiosity bulldog, do you ever waste your employers money amusing yourself, oh, say checking out RA posts 🙂

Thumper 2:02 pm 16 Jan 06

Actually, the Deb Foskey bit was a tad cutting, and deservably so….

“Karin MacDonald gets what she was expecting, I think-a baby Jesus doll, because she is the Jew girl”

This is probably really innocent but given the uproar we often see over racial stereotyping the above could have been taken the wrong way.

Indi 1:52 pm 16 Jan 06

I sense that Uncle Ted doesn’t like nor approve of Dr Foskey when saying:

“Deb Foskey gets no doll at all, but she gets a dolls house-from the private stock”

bulldog 1:46 pm 16 Jan 06

Funny as hell – if a little inappropriate for the legislative assembly. Still, glad to see our tax dollars being wasted on witty and clever speaches than blown out on crappy projects we don’t really care about.

Thumper 1:45 pm 16 Jan 06

Odd….

Very odd….

che 1:45 pm 16 Jan 06

good stuff

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