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ANU studies penises, decides bigger is better

By Barcham - 9 April 2013 40

ANU researchers have been doing research on penis sizes.

Like as a real thing, not just as a hobby. This is what they do.

Through rigid methodology, many hard and long days of work, and despite stiff opposition, the ANU has finally probed the depths of this topic and hit the metaphorical g-spot of knowledge.

What they discovered may well change the world. Are you sitting down? Ok, well it turns out that women find tall men with broad shoulders and large penises most attractive.

Dr Brian Mautz and Professor Michael Jennions from the ANU Research School of Biology showed life-size, computer-generated male figures differing in height, body shape and penis size to 105 women and asked them to rate the figures’ sexual attractiveness.

“This is a topic that has captured the imagination of people all over the world for a very long time,” Professor Jennions said. “If you look at the magazine rack in your local newsagent, sooner or later you’ll see an article entitled ‘Does size matter?’ We wanted to answer this age-old question with a valid scientific approach – facts not opinions.”

In agreement with what research has already told us, the women preferred taller men and men with broad shoulders and narrow hips (V-shaped, rather than pear-shaped).

But this time, the researchers found that penis size matters too. And the bigger, the better – the most attractive penis size appears to be even larger than the team tested, exceeding the penis size of 98 per cent of Italian men.

Poor Italian men. Still even they have to appreciate the work done by the ANU Research School of Biology.

These guys are on the cutting edge of discovering things that everyone totally didn’t already know, and I can’t wait to hear their findings on some of their other research projects such as “What colour is the sky?” and “Does swimming cause wetness?”

We live in exciting times.

dongreport

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40 Responses to
ANU studies penises, decides bigger is better
Holden Caulfield 2:38 pm 09 Apr 13

Balls.

zorro29 2:26 pm 09 Apr 13

BimboGeek said :

zorro29 said :

i’d just like to know why men would ever think it wasn’t important and when we allegedly said it wasn’t.

I know some men who desperately hope it’s important.

And some boys who hope it’s the only thing that matters.

Hint: most girls (I can name at least one exception but my friends are nuts) decide whether they want sex with you before they see your willy. A lot of boys are very attractive right up to the moment when they start speaking. This is all beyond the scope of the current study.

yeah but we all know the disappointment when faced with a small one and the subsequent awkward “yeah things aren’t going to work for totally unrelated reasons” discussion

ATypicalUsername 2:21 pm 09 Apr 13

Well, they surveyed 105 women.
That’s OBVIOUSLY a large enough sample size.

There’s not 7 billion people from different countries, cultures, races, backgrounds, generations, societies or paradigms out there who may have ENTIRELY different views on any form of physical attraction.

Clearly, 105 ANU females are the best slice of humanity to gain an understand of desirable penis length.

p1 2:06 pm 09 Apr 13

poetix said :

I love ‘facts not opinions’ given that they are surveying people as to their opinions.

Collect enough anecdotal evidence and it become data…

BimboGeek 2:03 pm 09 Apr 13

zorro29 said :

i’d just like to know why men would ever think it wasn’t important and when we allegedly said it wasn’t.

I know some men who desperately hope it’s important.

And some boys who hope it’s the only thing that matters.

Hint: most girls (I can name at least one exception but my friends are nuts) decide whether they want sex with you before they see your willy. A lot of boys are very attractive right up to the moment when they start speaking. This is all beyond the scope of the current study.

HiddenDragon 1:45 pm 09 Apr 13

Gungahlin Al said :

This is why the Liberals have decided to put their Tin Can NBN Plan out today – they realised this story would distract the emdia attention.

I see the ANU has put the media release out twice now. Surely that’s milking it?

Of course! – so this research is (as we had all suspected) murkily connected to the “Conroy and the Red Underpants on The Head” imbroglio – it all makes sense now. While we’re in to conspiracy theories, the second release might have been an attempt to run interference for Michael Williamson and the HSU, with more edifying news today, I see.

zorro29 11:52 am 09 Apr 13

i’d just like to know why men would ever think it wasn’t important and when we allegedly said it wasn’t…it’s like when we say “being attractive/rich isn’t important”…it’s called lying. i’m upfront about it now

lol @ #3….you’re a true patron of science 🙂

Deref 11:33 am 09 Apr 13

chewy14 said :

I would like to submit myself as a survey participant for the female equivalent of these studies.

I know it would be a tough gig, but I’m willing to submit myself to staring and judging female breasts and vaginas for a few days. Preferably with real life models to make sure the results are accurate.

How much do you suppose they charge participants?

Jivrashia 11:28 am 09 Apr 13

This study seems to have inadvertently included insight in to a-dick-shun.

HiddenDragon 11:19 am 09 Apr 13

And the research findings were not released on the 1st of April(?) On the basis that the customer is always right, and that smart merchants will do their best to give the customer what they want, an evening surveying the merchandise on offer in Fyshwick might have reached the same conclusion somewhat more quickly and cost effectively. Anyway, looking forward to what this team come up with next.

Gungahlin Al 11:10 am 09 Apr 13

This is why the Liberals have decided to put their Tin Can NBN Plan out today – they realised this story would distract the emdia attention.

I see the ANU has put the media release out twice now. Surely that’s milking it?

poetix 10:46 am 09 Apr 13

I love ‘facts not opinions’ given that they are surveying people as to their opinions.

And Barcham, I can’t believe this is the same person who was criticising a certain play recently for too many obvious penis jokes.

I haven’t watched the film. Somehow that brown shirt doesn’t bode well, whatever comes next.

God, now I’m doing it too.

chewy14 10:26 am 09 Apr 13

I would like to submit myself as a survey participant for the female equivalent of these studies.

I know it would be a tough gig, but I’m willing to submit myself to staring and judging female breasts and vaginas for a few days. Preferably with real life models to make sure the results are accurate.

BimboGeek 10:24 am 09 Apr 13

Did they correct for girth, weight and angle?

Solidarity 10:16 am 09 Apr 13

So ANU students are penis enthusiasts? Heh, more things we already knew.

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