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Domestic violence – What can we do?

By Radio Stew - 30 March 2015 27

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There has been a spate of domestic violence-related crimes in the Tuggeranong area recently, including two murders. The brutality and timing of these crimes have left residents shocked.

I have been asking myself what is my part to play in reducing these sorts of crimes. I don’t pretend to have the full answer, however, here are my thoughts.

Canberra is going through some hard times with many families struggling financially. This places extra stress on people which can turn small arguments into much bigger ones.

These days people do tend to keep to themselves and we have lost a lot as a society around being a community and helping those around us. Our lifestyles make it easy to go to and from work and never see our neighbours.

How can individuals address these issues?

1. I invite men to stand up and make it clear that violence of any kind is not okay. When we see negative behaviour in our bros, we need to say something. If you’re interested, you can sign up to the White Ribbon Initiative.

2. We need to make it clear to both men and women in our community that it is okay to ask for help. Don’t let stress build up. Men often think it is a sign of weakness if they do ask for help. We all need help at times in our lives and there is nothing wrong with asking. Man Therapy is a great resource.

3. Let’s make sure women feel safe to speak up if they are suffering from abuse or feeling threatened. Add your voice.

4. Let’s socialise more in our local communities. Get to know your neighbours. Support projects like Parties at the Shops.

While these small steps won’t eliminate the issue of domestic violence, I do believe that they help communities move in the right direction.

What are your thoughts?

What’s Your opinion?


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27 Responses to
Domestic violence – What can we do?
dungfungus 10:54 am 31 Mar 15

Affirmative Action Man said :

Actually there is some truth in what Dungfungus says. A couple of generations ago people generally met through Church, or social groups or sports or mutual friends & you got to know each other, your families got to know each other, you had a long engagement & got to know each other in depth so if the other party had a screw loose or a skeleton in the cupboard you would probably find out about it.

Recently a mate of mine met a woman then 3 weeks later told me he’s getting hitched. Several of us told him to wait, let the relationship develop for a few moths at least but he would not listen & got married – 6 weeks later he filed for divorce.

And people got married and raised a family. It was a good system consistent with community and Christian values of the time.
These days people move in and out of relationships like they were buying another car. There is little or no long term commitment.
I guess people these days are attracted to other people who live a similar lifestyle. If this shallow lifestyle is one of booze and drugs then inevitably it will lead to violence. If there is considered to be a “relationship” at the time then the violence is classed as “domestic”.
If there is no relationship it is called assault.
Some people posting comments believe in all cases, the woman is the “victim”. I don’t agree with that generalisation.
If one accepts a lift in a car being driven by someone who is clearly drunk and that person is injured as the result of the likely car accident, whose fault is it?
Society needs to demand alcohol be restricted and a zero tolerance drug policy is needed. I was appalled to see images of Australia’s winning ODI cricket team swilling and drooling over booze in today’s Canberra Times. What sort of a message does that convey?
I have heard anecdotally that every time the Raiders are beaten in Canberra on a Sunday the reports of domestic violence are much higher the next day.
There must be statistics available that reveal if alcohol and drugs are precursors for domestic violence and if they are, the rest isn’t rocket science.

chewy14 10:36 am 31 Mar 15

Alexandra Craig said :

As others have said; prevention is better than cure.

Boys need to be educated from an early age that violence against women is not okay. They need to be taught that rape is not okay, that giving a woman a bit of a slap around is not okay, that psychological abuse is not okay, and that they should always stand up and speak out if they see it or know of it occurring.

If you want to simplify it, boys/men should always keep this in mind: ‘Would I be okay with this if someone did it to my mum or my sister?’

Of course, the answer is always no.

People should realise that violence in general is not OK. And not because “what if it was my mum/sister/brother/cousin” but because the other person is a human being with their own rights which should be respected.

And whilst I agree that people should be educated that violence is bad, there will still be an element of society that cannot be educated. Whether through personal circumstance or their own choices, they don’t care about society’s rules and norms and won’t listen to you.

It’s why although I don’t fully agree with Dungfungus, there is an element of truth in what he says. People, both men and women need to be more selective in who they partner with and the behaviour they are willing to accept from those partners. It doesn’t make it their own fault for being abused if they stay but they are in charge of their own lives and need to take responsibility for themselves.

We as a society need to empower those people to be able to choose to do so, to make it easier for them to leave violent relationships and ensure that violent offenders are punished accordingly. Far too many of these violent offenders have had multiple chances to reform, yet remain free to abuse and assault again and again.

Testfest 10:33 am 31 Mar 15

Alexandra Craig said :

As others have said; prevention is better than cure.

Boys need to be educated from an early age that violence against women is not okay. They need to be taught that rape is not okay, that giving a woman a bit of a slap around is not okay, that psychological abuse is not okay, and that they should always stand up and speak out if they see it or know of it occurring.

If you want to simplify it, boys/men should always keep this in mind: ‘Would I be okay with this if someone did it to my mum or my sister?’

Of course, the answer is always no.

And of course the exact same lessons should be taught to girls… Domestic violence – it’s not okay when women do it either.

Madam Cholet 9:18 am 31 Mar 15

dungfungus said :

Madam Cholet said :

frg1978 said :

dungfungus said :

I have always believed prevention is better than cure.
Wouldn’t it be a better strategy for women to be more selective in choosing their partners?
Surely there are common factors to all abusers and there should be access allowed to police and court records to ensure that the proposed partner doesn’t have “form” as most of the latest round of abusers have.
Even asking for references should be considered.
It also appears that most of the fatal attacks involve alcohol, drugs and perceived cultural rights so if a woman removes herself from an environment where these factors are prevalent, most of the situations would not happen.

This comment is wrong on so many levels. Prevention means raising a population that does not think that abusing their intimate partners (or anyone else for that matter) for whatever reason (drugs, culture, alcohol etc.) is ok. Not making it the women’s responsibility (as in your example) to somehow identify and avoid violent partners.
Most relationships do not start off violent, and often women can go many years with no idea that their partner is capable of such behaviour. Until the first time it happens of course. By which time there are often many barriers that prevent them from simply removing themselves from the situation.
While I am sure the intention behind your post is sincere Dungfungus, it is views like yours that have prevented this issue being addressed comprehensively in the past by shifting the responsibility onto the victim rather than the offender.

+1.

I’m afraid Mr Dungfungus that you may have finally made a comment that you can’t defend in an avalanche of Liberal statistics and whitewash.

As per the comment above, you are one of the reasons that this particular issue is only just being taken seriously. How about you look 20 years into the future anytime you make a decision and see if you can predict exactly how it’s going to work out, how you will feel and whether you will regret in any way what eventuates. Quite frankly, the general population should not have to put up with comments or ideas like this from anyone.

Would it be too hard to once in your life just accept that your thoughts are in no way close to where they should be?

You are totally out of line in saying those things.
My suggestions are based on a personal family experience whereby my mother, who was widowed at a very young age, chose the wrong suitor against the pleadings of her family and all who knew the bastard. She refused to confirm what we knew about him and even after he knocked all her teeth out and beat her to a pulp she still would not go to the police. I did but the police refused to get involved as they feared confronting the beast. I did and I can’t relate what happened after that, even though it happened 50 years ago.
If only the police had told her what to expect things may have been different.It was serious at the time and it still is as far as I am concerned as it ruined my life as well.
But you shouldn’t worry about it; just go on living in your own little bubble of bile.

I’m sorry to hear about your Mum and the awful situation you experienced. It still stands however that it was not your Mums fault for putting her trust in one person and neglecting to take on board what others advised. The fault lies with the person carrying out the assaults, the police for not getting involved and society for turning a blind eye. If it was as simple as you suggest then it would be happening wouldn’t it and women would not be in these awful positions?

I think suggesting that women try gazing into a crystal ball to see what might happen is a ludicrous suggestion. As others have suggested – educate when boys are young.

Alexandra Craig 9:44 pm 30 Mar 15

As others have said; prevention is better than cure.

Boys need to be educated from an early age that violence against women is not okay. They need to be taught that rape is not okay, that giving a woman a bit of a slap around is not okay, that psychological abuse is not okay, and that they should always stand up and speak out if they see it or know of it occurring.

If you want to simplify it, boys/men should always keep this in mind: ‘Would I be okay with this if someone did it to my mum or my sister?’

Of course, the answer is always no.

joingler 9:29 pm 30 Mar 15

Domestic violence is one of those issues that we keep hearing more and more about. Is it because rates are rising or just because it is becoming more accepted to report?

I agree that prevention is better than cure. We need to teach people that it isn’t acceptable. We also need to help people feel confident enough to speak up when they witness or suffer from the issue.

I think that people who have committed crimes of domestic violence nature in the past can be of help to us. Why do people resort to it? Are the warning signs that someone may be potentially abusive? Has there been studies done that look into a persons past (right back to their schooling days) that reveal common patterns amongst domestic violence perpetrators?

Kalliste 8:24 pm 30 Mar 15

dungfungus said :

I have always believed prevention is better than cure.
Wouldn’t it be a better strategy for women to be more selective in choosing their partners?
Surely there are common factors to all abusers and there should be access allowed to police and court records to ensure that the proposed partner doesn’t have “form” as most of the latest round of abusers have.
Even asking for references should be considered.
It also appears that most of the fatal attacks involve alcohol, drugs and perceived cultural rights so if a woman removes herself from an environment where these factors are prevalent, most of the situations would not happen.

I hope you’re joking when you mention references.. do you think finding a partner should be like a job interview?

“Ok, so you’ve passed the first date, can you complete this police check and I’ll check your references and let you know”.

As frg1978 mentions, a lot of the time domestic violence in a relationship doesn’t happen in the beginning. In the beginning, they’re nice and kind and a lovely person. In some instances it’s years until lots of emotional abuse and manipulation happens and one day the person becomes physically violent.

As you mention prevention, it should be starting with kids and educating them about the right behavours not expecting people to ‘be more selective’ in choosing partners as adults. Would you suggest men do the same, given that women can also be abusive, and we seal the deal on the relationship by shaking hands?

Affirmative Action M 7:43 pm 30 Mar 15

Actually there is some truth in what Dungfungus says. A couple of generations ago people generally met through Church, or social groups or sports or mutual friends & you got to know each other, your families got to know each other, you had a long engagement & got to know each other in depth so if the other party had a screw loose or a skeleton in the cupboard you would probably find out about it.

Recently a mate of mine met a woman then 3 weeks later told me he’s getting hitched. Several of us told him to wait, let the relationship develop for a few moths at least but he would not listen & got married – 6 weeks later he filed for divorce.

Roksteddy 7:05 pm 30 Mar 15

I am male.
Domestic violence is abhorrent. Any male who resorts to violence against women is gutter scum.

And I reject and distance myself from Dungfungus’ comments. That “prevention is better than cure” and then place that responsibility for prevention on the female?! Appalling and shameful attitude. I know that I have raised my boys to have more respect for females.

dungfungus 5:34 pm 30 Mar 15

frg1978 said :

dungfungus said :

I have always believed prevention is better than cure.
Wouldn’t it be a better strategy for women to be more selective in choosing their partners?
Surely there are common factors to all abusers and there should be access allowed to police and court records to ensure that the proposed partner doesn’t have “form” as most of the latest round of abusers have.
Even asking for references should be considered.
It also appears that most of the fatal attacks involve alcohol, drugs and perceived cultural rights so if a woman removes herself from an environment where these factors are prevalent, most of the situations would not happen.

This comment is wrong on so many levels. Prevention means raising a population that does not think that abusing their intimate partners (or anyone else for that matter) for whatever reason (drugs, culture, alcohol etc.) is ok. Not making it the women’s responsibility (as in your example) to somehow identify and avoid violent partners.
Most relationships do not start off violent, and often women can go many years with no idea that their partner is capable of such behaviour. Until the first time it happens of course. By which time there are often many barriers that prevent them from simply removing themselves from the situation.
While I am sure the intention behind your post is sincere Dungfungus, it is views like yours that have prevented this issue being addressed comprehensively in the past by shifting the responsibility onto the victim rather than the offender.

My intention was very sincere I assure you. Your response is the usual one – it is time some different thinking was applied to this blight in our community.

dungfungus 5:29 pm 30 Mar 15

Madam Cholet said :

frg1978 said :

dungfungus said :

I have always believed prevention is better than cure.
Wouldn’t it be a better strategy for women to be more selective in choosing their partners?
Surely there are common factors to all abusers and there should be access allowed to police and court records to ensure that the proposed partner doesn’t have “form” as most of the latest round of abusers have.
Even asking for references should be considered.
It also appears that most of the fatal attacks involve alcohol, drugs and perceived cultural rights so if a woman removes herself from an environment where these factors are prevalent, most of the situations would not happen.

This comment is wrong on so many levels. Prevention means raising a population that does not think that abusing their intimate partners (or anyone else for that matter) for whatever reason (drugs, culture, alcohol etc.) is ok. Not making it the women’s responsibility (as in your example) to somehow identify and avoid violent partners.
Most relationships do not start off violent, and often women can go many years with no idea that their partner is capable of such behaviour. Until the first time it happens of course. By which time there are often many barriers that prevent them from simply removing themselves from the situation.
While I am sure the intention behind your post is sincere Dungfungus, it is views like yours that have prevented this issue being addressed comprehensively in the past by shifting the responsibility onto the victim rather than the offender.

+1.

I’m afraid Mr Dungfungus that you may have finally made a comment that you can’t defend in an avalanche of Liberal statistics and whitewash.

As per the comment above, you are one of the reasons that this particular issue is only just being taken seriously. How about you look 20 years into the future anytime you make a decision and see if you can predict exactly how it’s going to work out, how you will feel and whether you will regret in any way what eventuates. Quite frankly, the general population should not have to put up with comments or ideas like this from anyone.

Would it be too hard to once in your life just accept that your thoughts are in no way close to where they should be?

You are totally out of line in saying those things.
My suggestions are based on a personal family experience whereby my mother, who was widowed at a very young age, chose the wrong suitor against the pleadings of her family and all who knew the bastard. She refused to confirm what we knew about him and even after he knocked all her teeth out and beat her to a pulp she still would not go to the police. I did but the police refused to get involved as they feared confronting the beast. I did and I can’t relate what happened after that, even though it happened 50 years ago.
If only the police had told her what to expect things may have been different.It was serious at the time and it still is as far as I am concerned as it ruined my life as well.
But you shouldn’t worry about it; just go on living in your own little bubble of bile.

Madam Cholet 3:28 pm 30 Mar 15

frg1978 said :

dungfungus said :

I have always believed prevention is better than cure.
Wouldn’t it be a better strategy for women to be more selective in choosing their partners?
Surely there are common factors to all abusers and there should be access allowed to police and court records to ensure that the proposed partner doesn’t have “form” as most of the latest round of abusers have.
Even asking for references should be considered.
It also appears that most of the fatal attacks involve alcohol, drugs and perceived cultural rights so if a woman removes herself from an environment where these factors are prevalent, most of the situations would not happen.

This comment is wrong on so many levels. Prevention means raising a population that does not think that abusing their intimate partners (or anyone else for that matter) for whatever reason (drugs, culture, alcohol etc.) is ok. Not making it the women’s responsibility (as in your example) to somehow identify and avoid violent partners.
Most relationships do not start off violent, and often women can go many years with no idea that their partner is capable of such behaviour. Until the first time it happens of course. By which time there are often many barriers that prevent them from simply removing themselves from the situation.
While I am sure the intention behind your post is sincere Dungfungus, it is views like yours that have prevented this issue being addressed comprehensively in the past by shifting the responsibility onto the victim rather than the offender.

+1.

I’m afraid Mr Dungfungus that you may have finally made a comment that you can’t defend in an avalanche of Liberal statistics and whitewash.

As per the comment above, you are one of the reasons that this particular issue is only just being taken seriously. How about you look 20 years into the future anytime you make a decision and see if you can predict exactly how it’s going to work out, how you will feel and whether you will regret in any way what eventuates. Quite frankly, the general population should not have to put up with comments or ideas like this from anyone.

Would it be too hard to once in your life just accept that your thoughts are in no way close to where they should be?

frg1978 1:02 pm 30 Mar 15

dungfungus said :

I have always believed prevention is better than cure.
Wouldn’t it be a better strategy for women to be more selective in choosing their partners?
Surely there are common factors to all abusers and there should be access allowed to police and court records to ensure that the proposed partner doesn’t have “form” as most of the latest round of abusers have.
Even asking for references should be considered.
It also appears that most of the fatal attacks involve alcohol, drugs and perceived cultural rights so if a woman removes herself from an environment where these factors are prevalent, most of the situations would not happen.

This comment is wrong on so many levels. Prevention means raising a population that does not think that abusing their intimate partners (or anyone else for that matter) for whatever reason (drugs, culture, alcohol etc.) is ok. Not making it the women’s responsibility (as in your example) to somehow identify and avoid violent partners.
Most relationships do not start off violent, and often women can go many years with no idea that their partner is capable of such behaviour. Until the first time it happens of course. By which time there are often many barriers that prevent them from simply removing themselves from the situation.
While I am sure the intention behind your post is sincere Dungfungus, it is views like yours that have prevented this issue being addressed comprehensively in the past by shifting the responsibility onto the victim rather than the offender.

dungfungus 12:20 pm 30 Mar 15

I have always believed prevention is better than cure.
Wouldn’t it be a better strategy for women to be more selective in choosing their partners?
Surely there are common factors to all abusers and there should be access allowed to police and court records to ensure that the proposed partner doesn’t have “form” as most of the latest round of abusers have.
Even asking for references should be considered.
It also appears that most of the fatal attacks involve alcohol, drugs and perceived cultural rights so if a woman removes herself from an environment where these factors are prevalent, most of the situations would not happen.

Testfest 11:27 am 30 Mar 15

I would be very careful with your suggestion number 1 – when you say “bros” are you talking about guys that you already know? Or just random people on the street?

Going up to a random person (male or female) and informing them that their violent behaviour is unacceptable is not the safest advice I have seen on this forum – google Brendan Keilar for the reason why. Confrontation often leads to escalation.

I think a better move is to call the AFP immediately on 131 444 and report what is happening, and then film it on your phone if you can do so safely.

I would also add another point to your list:

5. Don’t ignore or trivialise male victims of domestic violence either. See http://www.oneinthree.com.au/ for more info. Let’s try and stop violence against everyone…

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