Wedding etiquette in Canberra?

Watson said :

Jim Jones said :

EvanJames said :

Watson said :

As I said before, all you really need to get married is the celebrant.

And chairs with dresses on.

Bar tab

Case of VB not good enough for you, is it? :p

I’m pretty easy-going, but VB … no way.

Jim Jones said :

EvanJames said :

Watson said :

As I said before, all you really need to get married is the celebrant.

And chairs with dresses on.

Bar tab

Case of VB not good enough for you, is it? :p

EvanJames said :

Watson said :

As I said before, all you really need to get married is the celebrant.

And chairs with dresses on.

Bar tab

Having staggered through this thread, I’m wondering:
are weddings now ‘gay’?

I dont see what the big problem is.

Dont you want to give something to the bride and groom that they will appreciate and actually want or need?

Dont you want the bride and grom to be virtually debt free from the wedding?

In Asian weddings, it is already assumed that you will give money not only to help pay for the wedding, but also as token of good luck to the bride and groom for the years to come.

They dont even need to put any corny wishing well poem or any request for money in the invitation, it is a known rule to give money if you plan on attending the wedding. The amount should closely cover the cost for your meal, so they are not making a profit out of it. Heck, even if you dont attend the wedding, you should still give some money for luck. When your wedding comes around, they will then return the favour and help you out with your wedding. That is simply how it works for Asian weddings.

I recall one wedding i went to where the groom was Caucasian and the bride was Asian. Half the people showed up with presents (the groom’s side) and the other half gave money to the wishing well (the brides side) So i guess a request for cash does eliminate any confusion about what is preferred as a gift.

Reading all of these comments over the past 5 pages, I can clearly see why Asian people joke about not inviting too many westerners to the wedding. The joke appears to be totally substantiated simply because westerners dont know how the ‘wedding gift system’ works in Asian culture.

p.s for those who give a small amount of money as a form of spite in receiving a wishing wish request, you only embarrass yourself by doing this and you make yourself look cheap.

Watson said :

As I said before, all you really need to get married is the celebrant.

And chairs with dresses on.

chewy14 said :

Watson said :

Huh? I thought the discussion was about whether to have a wishing well or not? If you’re going to organise a cheap ass wedding, there’s no need to ask your guests for anything but their company. Which I think is what occasions like this are about anyway. If you want to AND can afford to offer your guests some fine food and wine, buy an outrageously expensive dress, have a professional photographer, etc. that’s good for you. My point was that if you cannot afford it or don’t think it’s really worth you wasting your own money on, you shouldn’t do it. Lots of people seem to almost treat a wedding like a commercial event. They might as well start selling tickets for it on Ticketek.

Which gets back to my original point that its impossible to throw any sort of decent event for less than $10k, hence why its perfectly fine to have a wishing well rather than receive a whole load of crappy presents that you don’t need.
Your solution seems to be either pay for it yourself or don’t have one which seems completely unrealistic not to mention socially untenable to me.

A wishing well is just as vulgar as so called celebs selling out to magazines. Yep, both are cash grabs, and lose focus on what the day should be about.

chewy14 said :

Watson said :

Huh? I thought the discussion was about whether to have a wishing well or not? If you’re going to organise a cheap ass wedding, there’s no need to ask your guests for anything but their company. Which I think is what occasions like this are about anyway. If you want to AND can afford to offer your guests some fine food and wine, buy an outrageously expensive dress, have a professional photographer, etc. that’s good for you. My point was that if you cannot afford it or don’t think it’s really worth you wasting your own money on, you shouldn’t do it. Lots of people seem to almost treat a wedding like a commercial event. They might as well start selling tickets for it on Ticketek.

Which gets back to my original point that its impossible to throw any sort of decent event for less than $10k, hence why its perfectly fine to have a wishing well rather than receive a whole load of crappy presents that you don’t need.
Your solution seems to be either pay for it yourself or don’t have one which seems completely unrealistic not to mention socially untenable to me.

Pfft. Define decent. I wouldn’t have spent $1,000 on mine. Which I could very comfortably afford without having to ask the guests to contribute. As I said before, all you really need to get married is the celebrant. Unless it’s still possible to just go and sign at the registry.

thatsnotme said :

To be honest, I’d be surprised if there are many professionals out there who still try for this approach. There may be a few out there who still think that digital files are the equivalent of film negatives, but most have seen that the game has changed with digital, and expecting big print sales just isn’t realistic any more. Some will have purchasing the disc as an extra charge – but the ‘you can only get your photos by buying prints’ model is pretty rare these days.

Personally, I much prefer to design and sell a really nice album to the couple. Much nicer and easier for me than trying to deal with print orders…I’m just not interested in worrying about that!

Prepare to be surprised. I wouldn’t say it was ‘many’ I would say it was the majority (9 out of 10). I can’t stress enough, get your agreement in writing up front and make sure it includes access to the originals.

Another wedding photographer trap for young players is this:

They will offer you an album as part of the ‘package’ of say 20 pages.. then when it comes to supplying it they will go “Oh No!.. we took so many great shots.. we could only get them condensed down to fit on 30 pages.. it would be a shame to waste all those wonderful memories!” *tug on heart strings, repeat* .. luckily for them, the contract says that if you want additional pages outside the original agreement you pay big $$$.

Having a list at a department store is perfectly fine and perfectly in keeping with wedding etiquette. Wishing wells are vulgar and impersonal and I think they are rude. Your guest should buy you a gift from your list unless they are absolutely certain they can buy you something lovely based on how well they know you.
Make sure the list has a range of items right down to $30 but have plenty in the $100 – $300 range (depending on how rich your guests are). Gifts are removed from the list as they are chosen, so you won’t get duplications.

Watson said :

Huh? I thought the discussion was about whether to have a wishing well or not? If you’re going to organise a cheap ass wedding, there’s no need to ask your guests for anything but their company. Which I think is what occasions like this are about anyway. If you want to AND can afford to offer your guests some fine food and wine, buy an outrageously expensive dress, have a professional photographer, etc. that’s good for you. My point was that if you cannot afford it or don’t think it’s really worth you wasting your own money on, you shouldn’t do it. Lots of people seem to almost treat a wedding like a commercial event. They might as well start selling tickets for it on Ticketek.

Which gets back to my original point that its impossible to throw any sort of decent event for less than $10k, hence why its perfectly fine to have a wishing well rather than receive a whole load of crappy presents that you don’t need.
Your solution seems to be either pay for it yourself or don’t have one which seems completely unrealistic not to mention socially untenable to me.

A wedding is a wedding, no great cost really needed. A huge bloody slap up party to impress your friends is your choice. Pay for it.

chewy14 said :

Watson said :

chewy14 said :

Do you honestly think people should just not have weddings if they don’t want to be in massive debt from the start?

Now there’s an idea.

If you wouldn’t have had the money for you $90 dinner, would you still have gone? Would you have expected the other guests to chip in to pay your bill for the privilege of getting to enjoy your company?

I was glad to read that I am not the only one here who organised a cheap ass wedding. $30,000+ is ridiculous, unless you are wealthy enough piss away a house deposit on a party. If you are not, don’t try to pretend you are.

If I didn’t have the $90 for the dinner, I wouldn’t have gone. I like not to be reliant on others and I’m not a tightarse so I wouldn’t have expected anyone else to foot my bill.

See this is what you’re not getting:

1. If you throw a cheap ass wedding and have a wishing well, I probably wouldn’t give you much money as a present. Maybe $50. I wouldn’t think any worse of you for deciding to be more frugal with your money or have the wedding you wanted but a wedding isn’t meant to be a money spinner so you would get a present comensurate with that.
2. If you throw a larger sized wedding with a wishing well, then I would probably give a larger present to cover the amount of food and wine you’d been generous enough to provide.
3. If you threw an outrageously large and extravagant wedding, then, depending on the event, I wouldn’t give too much more than in (2) because I would think it was a bit over the top.
4. If I was throwing a wedding with a wishing well, then I wouldn’t care what people gave because a wedding isn’t about money. I would be grateful for anything my guests decided to give.

Huh? I thought the discussion was about whether to have a wishing well or not? If you’re going to organise a cheap ass wedding, there’s no need to ask your guests for anything but their company. Which I think is what occasions like this are about anyway. If you want to AND can afford to offer your guests some fine food and wine, buy an outrageously expensive dress, have a professional photographer, etc. that’s good for you. My point was that if you cannot afford it or don’t think it’s really worth you wasting your own money on, you shouldn’t do it. Lots of people seem to almost treat a wedding like a commercial event. They might as well start selling tickets for it on Ticketek.

carnardly said :

“I bet it’s the women who are pushing for these big fat weddings… they want to prance around in a fancy dress costume being bridezilla for a day, star of their own tacky movie”

Hell no. I’m doing a slap up meal or bbq for friends and family (my expense) and no way in blazes am I dressing up like a meringue.

You woulda been welcome at my wedding 🙂 No meringues for me!

Maybe there are some that want glitz and glamour – but a wedding is about a relationship, not just the day.

thatsnotme said :

The first question, is whether you actually need anything at all?

This is a very good question! If not, you don’t have a problem! If the answer is *yes* (and given how expensive weddings can get, it may well be) then what do you need? Are you setting up a place, paying for the wedding, what? When you know that, you’ll know whether you need cash or items.

Watson said :

chewy14 said :

Do you honestly think people should just not have weddings if they don’t want to be in massive debt from the start?

Now there’s an idea.

If you wouldn’t have had the money for you $90 dinner, would you still have gone? Would you have expected the other guests to chip in to pay your bill for the privilege of getting to enjoy your company?

I was glad to read that I am not the only one here who organised a cheap ass wedding. $30,000+ is ridiculous, unless you are wealthy enough piss away a house deposit on a party. If you are not, don’t try to pretend you are.

If I didn’t have the $90 for the dinner, I wouldn’t have gone. I like not to be reliant on others and I’m not a tightarse so I wouldn’t have expected anyone else to foot my bill.

See this is what you’re not getting:

1. If you throw a cheap ass wedding and have a wishing well, I probably wouldn’t give you much money as a present. Maybe $50. I wouldn’t think any worse of you for deciding to be more frugal with your money or have the wedding you wanted but a wedding isn’t meant to be a money spinner so you would get a present comensurate with that.
2. If you throw a larger sized wedding with a wishing well, then I would probably give a larger present to cover the amount of food and wine you’d been generous enough to provide.
3. If you threw an outrageously large and extravagant wedding, then, depending on the event, I wouldn’t give too much more than in (2) because I would think it was a bit over the top.
4. If I was throwing a wedding with a wishing well, then I wouldn’t care what people gave because a wedding isn’t about money. I would be grateful for anything my guests decided to give.

Calamity said :

chewy14 said :

Watson said :

Maybe modesty and being realistic aren’t valued today but being a tightarse who expects their friends to pay for them is.

This sentance makes it unclear which side you’re arguing for.

What I’m saying, is that yes there are definitely people who go overboard with their weddings and buy five thousand dollar dresses and expect to get dropped off in a helicopter etc.
BUT, it really annoys me that so many people are unwilling or think it’s tacky to put their hands in their pocket to assist a newlywed couple. That the newlyweds should either put themselves into massive debt or not have a wedding at all.

Usually you’re going to have a great day/night with plenty of food/wine, is it that much to ask to pay for a bit of it?

chewy14 said :

Do you honestly think people should just not have weddings if they don’t want to be in massive debt from the start?

Now there’s an idea.

If you wouldn’t have had the money for you $90 dinner, would you still have gone? Would you have expected the other guests to chip in to pay your bill for the privilege of getting to enjoy your company?

I was glad to read that I am not the only one here who organised a cheap ass wedding. $30,000+ is ridiculous, unless you are wealthy enough piss away a house deposit on a party. If you are not, don’t try to pretend you are.

chewy14 said :

Watson said :

Maybe modesty and being realistic aren’t valued today but being a tightarse who expects their friends to pay for them is.

This sentance makes it unclear which side you’re arguing for.

Watson said :

Hey, it really is totally your choice. If you appreciate the kind of people who are wealthy enough not to care about helping to pay someone else’s big wedding and wouldn’t want to be associated with you if your wedding isn’t classy enough, then by all means, have the big wedding and milk them for all it’s worth.

If you don’t mind pissing off the people who think that living above your means is not at all classy and who would rather you give them a snag on a sausage and concentrate on the important things instead of keeping up appearances and expecting them to fund it.

But modesty and being realistic about your spending capacity are not at values that are appreciated these days.

Bugger, I cannot get the quoting right today…

Watson, did you see the link I posted before that showed the average cost of a wedding was $36k?

As I said, getting it done for less than $10K would be near on impossible if you even invite more than immediate family. We’re not talking about big, extravagant weddings. We’re talking about normal, run of the mill small affairs.
I went to a dinner event the other day, which included the venue cost and a three course meal. No alcohol included. Cost was $90 and it was a pretty good night. If you throw alcohol in, you could probably add another $50 each.
So say you invited 50 people to your wedding at $150 a head, that’s $7 500 right there for a fairly small event with nothing else included.

Do you honestly think people should just not have weddings if they don’t want to be in massive debt from the start?

Maybe modesty and being realistic aren’t valued today but being a tightarse who expects their friends to pay for them is.

Watson said :

chewy14 said :

Doesn’t sound like your guests are very nice people if all they’re doing is complaining about the wedding not being good enough.

I’d suggest new friends.

Agreed.
Preferably ones that aren’t so tight as to complain about giving a small amount of money to cover part of the cost of the free food and grog they’re getting.

Hey, it really is totally your choice. If you appreciate the kind of people who are wealthy enough not to care about helping to pay someone else’s big wedding and wouldn’t want to be associated with you if your wedding isn’t classy enough, then by all means, have the big wedding and milk them for all it’s worth.

If you don’t mind pissing off the people who think that living above your means is not at all classy and who would rather you give them a snag on a sausage and concentrate on the important things instead of keeping up appearances and expecting them to fund it.

But modesty and being realistic about your spending capacity are not at values that are appreciated these days.

Bugger, I cannot get the quoting right today…

chewy14 said :

Doesn’t sound like your guests are very nice people if all they’re doing is complaining about the wedding not being good enough.

I’d suggest new friends.

Agreed.
Preferably ones that aren’t so tight as to complain about giving a small amount of money to cover part of the cost of the free food and grog they’re getting.

Hey, it really is totally your choice. If you appreciate the kind of people who are wealthy enough not to care about helping to pay someone else’s big wedding and wouldn’t want to be associated with you if your wedding isn’t classy enough, then by all means, have the big wedding and milk them for all it’s worth.

If you don’t mind pissing off the people who think that living above your means is not at all classy and who would rather you give them a snag on a sausage and concentrate on the important things instead of keeping up appearances and expecting them to fund it.

But modesty and being realistic about your spending capacity are not at values that are appreciated these days.

Regarding photography, don’t ask your friend who likes photography to shoot your wedding unless you are happy to not have photos. Why, things go wrong and while most photos will probably be ok (at least with digital you can tell and recover) it can cause issues, when a photo doesn’t quite turn out.

My cousin hired a pro photographer for the ceremony only, but asked me to take the more candid photos in the reception. This worked reasonably well, I knew to keep out of the way of the pro. Unfortunately it didn’t stop people getting in the way of me 🙂 Still I only agreed after making sure their expectations were not going to cause problems.

Still my gripe is everyone wants everything now and the cash grab that seems to be the norm ius just not very personal. Yes its the bride and grooms wedding day, but if they are inviting people its because they want to share the day with people. I’ve had two friends have a small wedding with a few relatives 10 people max. Thats what they wanted and also what they could afford.

Calamity said :

Sorry, how much do people generally give when doing the wishing well thing? When I’m attending, particularly as part of a couple, I don’t feel like I can give less than $100. Is that right or over the top?

Yeah I reckon that sounds about right. I suppose it depends on how close you are to the couple and how big a wedding it is. Personal finances would also come into it
I wouldn’t give as much to a couple having a wedding in their backyard serving snags on bread as I would to a larger affair.
I don’t think anyone (well as long as they’re not a snob or a knob) is going to be offended by whatever people give. I’ve heard that it’s the thought that counts.

Calamity said :

Sorry, how much do people generally give when doing the wishing well thing? When I’m attending, particularly as part of a couple, I don’t feel like I can give less than $100. Is that right or over the top?

If that’s what you’d spend on the gift, sure.

Did a wishing well at ours, average was $50 (inc. from with couples).

We didn’t want to go the direct wishing well route, but also wanted to avoid toaster lottery, had established a (rental) home so had most things we needed, and so were hoping to go with a Honeymoon registry – i.e. “if you wish to give a gift and “if you’re looking for ideas” you can contribute via travel agent X to our honeymoon by quoting number Z”.

But we just couldn’t find anyone that offered that kind of service, surprisingly, and besides which we wanted certainty about where we were going well in advance, so had paid for everything well before the wedding anyway.

So money bucket it was.

“I bet it’s the women who are pushing for these big fat weddings… they want to prance around in a fancy dress costume being bridezilla for a day, star of their own tacky movie”

Hell no. I’m doing a slap up meal or bbq for friends and family (my expense) and no way in blazes am I dressing up like a meringue. Maybe there are some that want glitz and glamour – but a wedding is about a relationship, not just the day.

chewy14 said :

Jim Jones said :

Sarah1234 said :

Jim Jones said :

Sarah1234 said :

And then put up with the moaning from your guests about your cheap ass wedding.

If your guests are this shallow and selfish, why invite them at all?

So if I have a cheap wedding and they moan I shouldn’t invite them and if I have a wishing well then they’ll bitch about how bogan it is? How do you win?

Doesn’t sound like your guests are very nice people if all they’re doing is complaining about the wedding not being good enough.

I’d suggest new friends.

Agreed.
Preferably ones that aren’t so tight as to complain about giving a small amount of money to cover part of the cost of the free food and grog they’re getting.

Sorry, how much do people generally give when doing the wishing well thing? When I’m attending, particularly as part of a couple, I don’t feel like I can give less than $100. Is that right or over the top?

Jim Jones said :

Sarah1234 said :

Jim Jones said :

Sarah1234 said :

And then put up with the moaning from your guests about your cheap ass wedding.

If your guests are this shallow and selfish, why invite them at all?

So if I have a cheap wedding and they moan I shouldn’t invite them and if I have a wishing well then they’ll bitch about how bogan it is? How do you win?

Doesn’t sound like your guests are very nice people if all they’re doing is complaining about the wedding not being good enough.

I’d suggest new friends.

Agreed.
Preferably ones that aren’t so tight as to complain about giving a small amount of money to cover part of the cost of the free food and grog they’re getting.

murraythecat said :

I would be interested to see the stats on divorce rates after big flashy weddings (with or without ungrateful guests), as opposed to those not going for the status wedding.

lol, I separated only a few years after my cheap ass wedding and boy was I extra glad that I had not spent all my savings on my wedding then! 😉

I bet it’s the women who are pushing for these big fat weddings… they want to prance around in a fancy dress costume being bridezilla for a day, star of their own tacky movie. There’s a dreadful show on television where some bridezillas compete against each other and they invariably have horrific, embarassing weddings. I wonder what attracts them to it so much?

Watson said :

Sarah1234 said :

So if I have a cheap wedding and they moan I shouldn’t invite them and if I have a wishing well then they’ll bitch about how bogan it is? How do you win?

Have the wedding you want – that includes one that you can afford with your own money (and/or parental contributions if they offer of course) – and don’t care what anyone else thinks?

If you do choose to pander to the snobs and spend up big to please them, it’s up to you to fund it too as you obviously see a big wedding as some sort of social status symbol. And status symbols were meant to be expensive, that’s how they work.

Wow, what a novel idea, wanting something big & flashy (to satisfy others’ expectations, huh???) and actually pay for it yourself! Yay! Yep i reckon if they are gonna moan about your wedding, you oughta really think about the depth of their friendship. I can honestly say that the people at my “cheap ass” wedding had a great time, no expectations (as they knew it was OUR day, not theirs), and were genuinely happy to be able to share in it, however cheap ass it was. I really think that more emphasis should eb placed on the “marriage”, ie, the next 30, 40, 50 years or whatever, rather than trying to impress & getting into debt just for one day.
I would be interested to see the stats on divorce rates after big flashy weddings (with or without ungrateful guests), as opposed to those not going for the status wedding.

Calamity said :

Lazy I said :

Sarah1234 said :

Jim Jones said :

Sarah1234 said :

And then put up with the moaning from your guests about your cheap ass wedding.

If your guests are this shallow and selfish, why invite them at all?

So if I have a cheap wedding and they moan I shouldn’t invite them and if I have a wishing well then they’ll bitch about how bogan it is? How do you win?

You save up and pay for your wedding with your own money (not wishing will contributions).

Agreed. I think the bitterness comes from feeling that somebody decides to get married and expects you to help pay for it. And then the next person does it, then the next, so on and so forth. One gets a bit tired of paying people to get married.

Having said that – I don’t have the strong hatred for wishing wells that some here do, and I don’t think they’re ‘tacky’ as such. I get on and do it and just feel a quiet bitterness in my head for the system, not the bride & groom themselves.

Lazy I said :

Sarah1234 said :

Jim Jones said :

Sarah1234 said :

And then put up with the moaning from your guests about your cheap ass wedding.

If your guests are this shallow and selfish, why invite them at all?

So if I have a cheap wedding and they moan I shouldn’t invite them and if I have a wishing well then they’ll bitch about how bogan it is? How do you win?

You save up and pay for your wedding with your own money (not wishing will contributions).

Agreed. I think the bitterness comes from feeling that somebody decides to get married and expects you to help pay for it. And then the next person does it, then the next, so on and so forth. One gets a bit tired of paying people to get married.

Sarah1234 said :

Jim Jones said :

Sarah1234 said :

And then put up with the moaning from your guests about your cheap ass wedding.

If your guests are this shallow and selfish, why invite them at all?

So if I have a cheap wedding and they moan I shouldn’t invite them and if I have a wishing well then they’ll bitch about how bogan it is? How do you win?

Doesn’t sound like your guests are very nice people if all they’re doing is complaining about the wedding not being good enough.

I’d suggest new friends.

Sarah1234 said :

So if I have a cheap wedding and they moan I shouldn’t invite them and if I have a wishing well then they’ll bitch about how bogan it is? How do you win?

Have the wedding you want – that includes one that you can afford with your own money (and/or parental contributions if they offer of course) – and don’t care what anyone else thinks?

If you do choose to pander to the snobs and spend up big to please them, it’s up to you to fund it too as you obviously see a big wedding as some sort of social status symbol. And status symbols were meant to be expensive, that’s how they work.

Mr Gillespie said :

Thatsnotme #118

I didn’t mean EVERYONE all hold up their cameras, just a few keen friends who enjoy photography as a hobby and take good pictures. Friends volunteer their time and their work for friends (like when you do a favour as a friend), not do it in the name of business.

Why bother with a professional then? To my way of thinking, you invite friends to your wedding to be a part of the occassion, not to be thinking about the best angle for their next shot… Would you rather your friends get to clap and cheer along with everyone else when you have your first kiss, or be busy machine gunning shots of the moment?

What does drive me insane about professional wedding photographers is them holding the high-res originals to ransom and charging you for prints/copies and only giving you lower res (and sometimes watermarked) shots. This would have to be one of the biggest money grabs of the Wedding game (and there are a lot). So if you are looking for a photographer, make sure you manage to negotiate access to all the high res originals, and make sure you have it in writing! If they’re against providing a price for this option up front, walk away.

To be honest, I’d be surprised if there are many professionals out there who still try for this approach. There may be a few out there who still think that digital files are the equivalent of film negatives, but most have seen that the game has changed with digital, and expecting big print sales just isn’t realistic any more. Some will have purchasing the disc as an extra charge – but the ‘you can only get your photos by buying prints’ model is pretty rare these days.

Personally, I much prefer to design and sell a really nice album to the couple. Much nicer and easier for me than trying to deal with print orders…I’m just not interested in worrying about that!

Sarah1234 said :

Jim Jones said :

Sarah1234 said :

And then put up with the moaning from your guests about your cheap ass wedding.

If your guests are this shallow and selfish, why invite them at all?

So if I have a cheap wedding and they moan I shouldn’t invite them and if I have a wishing well then they’ll bitch about how bogan it is? How do you win?

You save up and pay for your wedding with your own money (not wishing will contributions).

Jim Jones said :

Sarah1234 said :

And then put up with the moaning from your guests about your cheap ass wedding.

If your guests are this shallow and selfish, why invite them at all?

So if I have a cheap wedding and they moan I shouldn’t invite them and if I have a wishing well then they’ll bitch about how bogan it is? How do you win?

+1 to #118, for the price you are paying for photographers the last thing you want is a photo of the back of a keen relatives head.

What does drive me insane about professional wedding photographers is them holding the high-res originals to ransom and charging you for prints/copies and only giving you lower res (and sometimes watermarked) shots. This would have to be one of the biggest money grabs of the Wedding game (and there are a lot). So if you are looking for a photographer, make sure you manage to negotiate access to all the high res originals, and make sure you have it in writing! If they’re against providing a price for this option up front, walk away.

While on the subject of all things etiquette though, I was amazed to learn that it appears to be the norm that Bridesmaids are expected to pay for their own dresses, shoes, hair and makeup. I always thought this was covered by the bride/groom.. I was amazed to find that it appears to be the ‘norm’ that these costs are offloaded (and at times a present is still expected), especially when the dress etc. is a wear once type of affair. Groomsmen I can understand because it’s usually hiring a suit.. but paying for a one off dress?

Sarah1234 said :

And then put up with the moaning from your guests about your cheap ass wedding.

If your guests are this shallow and selfish, why invite them at all?

Thatsnotme #118

I didn’t mean EVERYONE all hold up their cameras, just a few keen friends who enjoy photography as a hobby and take good pictures. Friends volunteer their time and their work for friends (like when you do a favour as a friend), not do it in the name of business.

milkman said :

I once went to this great wedding
Not sure of quite where they were heading
But it was bogan hell
With a damn wishing well
To support the divorce they’d be getting.

I like.

Sarah1234 said :

Postalgeek said :

Lazy I said :

dundle said :

chewy14 said :

Actually, reading these comments makes me worry.
Even a small wedding is going to cost 10k . At a minimum.
I think the average is 30k and that wouldn’t be an outrageously big affair.

Seriously? That’s insane

That sounds pretty spot on to me. You will of course get people claiming they are going to do it for less%u2026 but when they add it up at the end their opinions change.

People do it to themselves. Hire a celebrant, have a garden party. Or have a cocktail party with top notch never-ending hand foods as a reception. That way you actually get to mingle and talk to everyone instead of having a stupid cookiecutter setup where the bride and groom sit separate to their guests, and have to grapple with the logistics of seating plans, hire cars, crockery, chairs, guests looking enviously at the plate served to the person next to them, and all the other wedding industry bullshit young couples are convinced they have to have.

And then put up with the moaning from your guests about your cheap ass wedding.

Well, it seems you and I would invite different types of people to a wedding.

And cheap ass? No. Just directing money to where it counts. What would guests appreciate more: you and the wedding party arriving in limos, grand table arrangements, and chairs with sashes, or being served good food and wine?

Mr Gillespie said :

Anyway, here are MY rules of wedding etiquette:

1. Don’t hire a photographer if the photographer doesn’t like friends of the bride or groom taking pictures. The day belongs to them only, and not the paid “professionals”

Let me give you another perspective on this, as one who photographs weddings professionally.

I have never demanded that guests don’t take photos. However, the couple pay me good money to get the best photos of the day that they will have. If I can’t take better photos than a guest, then I shouldn’t be there.

There are so many moments in a wedding that are fleeting though, and once they’re gone, that’s it. So if I’m set up to capture the first kiss, and somebody decides to jump in front of me to grab a shot on their phone camera, then that moment’s gone.

My opinion is this – if a couple have arranged for a professional to be there, then especially during the ceremony you should try to be a part of it, and not view it through a camera lens. You’ve been invited to witness their exchange of vows, so do so.

What photo do you think a bride would rather see? Her walking down the isle, and all eyes on her? Or her walking down the isle, and all lenses on her?

I could care less who has a camera out for the rest of the day, but as far as I’m concerned, during the ceremony I’m there to take photos so that nobody else has to.

Sarah1234 said :

I was anti wishing well until I got married…I don’t think people realise how expensive weddings are until you have one! A small wedding in Canberra will cost you minimum 15K (if you want to feed your guests and have a celebration that resembles a wedding). It’s not like the old days when the dinner was a simple meal in the church hall. After catering to the demands of family, in-laws, bridesmaids etc. I thought ‘damn right you guys can contribute a small amount to your meals and drinks!’

Sarah1234 said :

We got married to commit to each other publically – we had the wedding to keep everyone else happy. I guess that’s the problem, relatives and friends have expectations and the reality is that they cost a lot to meet. I’d rather have spent the money on the mortgage but don’t really want to deal with the fall out forever. A wishing well is a good way to show a little respect to your hosts. And bitching about it just shows poor manners.

What a shame you were not able to have the day YOU wanted, rather than pandering to everyone else’s demands & expectations. We had a small wedding simply because that was what we could AFFORD!! If you really need to ask for money to recoup some of the costs, maybe should think about your budget.
It actually never occurred to me to ask for gifts, and some did appear and we were grateful, but geez, surely there are worse things than ending up with 4 of the same thing. So fricking what if you do??? Be gracious enough to realise that a gift was even given (as opposed to asked for & received).

Tomorrow is my 10th anniversary. Our perfect wedding and honeymoon cost under $3000. It was in my parents garden, celebrant ($300 at the time), about 20 guests for the service & others others welcome later for drinks, my brother did the filming, a great job too, and we got platters from our local shop (who also organised the fantastic cake), my dress was off the rack from some shop in Tuggers, a dozen bottles of champers, beers, wine, oh and due to a last minute hiccup, i didn’t even have shoes, i wed my husband with the beautiful feel of fresh grass under my toes. It was the best wedding i could have asked for. Then up to the Hunter Valley for a dirty weekend. We considered our wedding to be the start of our life together (we had only been together 6 months at the time) & couldn’t see the sense spending big bucks on 1 day. Our marriage was about the rest of our lives.

EvanJames said :

The wedding industry is a rort. The minute you say “wedding”, the price of everything goes up. A big blue dress will suddenly cost 3 times as much if it becomes a white dress. Ditto the catering and flowers. If you run it as a party, suddenly the hot air disappears and the costs deflate.

Those sit-down meals served 50/50 are terrible… can anyone remember enjoying one? What about a buffet, or a Melbourne Cup style thing with BBQ chooks and good salads? And who cares if the chairs have dresses on, and bows?

People will enjoy a relaxed party with nice food more than a stiff, faux-formal sad attempt at hollywood glamour. This princess-for-a-day thing has got way out of control.

Oh, 50/50, this is one of my pet peeves! I worked for a number of years in my yoof at one of Canberra’s more popular wedding venues (got married there myself actually), and prior to that at a major function venue and people were forever ordering 50/50 thinking it gave people choice but honestly, it really didn’t! All 50/50 does is lead to plate passing around the table and this looks really tacky at a nice function – after all, if beef landed in front of you, you’d be happy with beef because chicken was never an option but if you saw chicken next to you then you’d really want it so just don’t offer it in the first place. Its also a “couplist” option because it assumes everyone is a couple who will have someone happy to swap with them.

Just don’t do it people. We were always told we couldn’t let people tell us what they wanted because in a function of say 100 people, the kitchen would prepare 52 of each and if we started letting people tell us what they wanted, we end up with 7 chckens and 3 beefs on a table and be in trouble but of course you’d always have people say, “But I’m allergic to chicken/ beef/ lettuce/ gravy/ carrots, I have to have the other one,” then the kitchen would get cranky with us becasue we’d run out of one or the other and the poor old last table would complain because they’d get 9 beefs and one chicken.

And then the odd couple would make really weird choices. One couple went for a 50/50 oysters or soup. Now most people might prefer either beef or chicken but can eat either but if you don’t like oysters, there is no way you can eat them and it was a disaster with only 1/3 of the people wanting oysters and the rest absolutely refusing.

So, take it from this old wait person – 50/50 sucks! Don’t do it!

“Me and my finance….” (or should be finances) “….are getting married.” Fancy paying $36,000 for your wedding, I’d demand a guarantee of perfection if I was gonna shell out that much of my FINANCES on a single day!!

Anyway, here are MY rules of wedding etiquette:

1. Don’t hire a photographer if the photographer doesn’t like friends of the bride or groom taking pictures. The day belongs to them only, and not the paid “professionals”

2. Get rid of the “bucks night” and get rid of the “hen’s night”. If your relationship is so insecure you have to “celebrate your last night of freedom”, then you shouldn’t be getting married anyway.

3. The bride does not have to be late.

4. If a “venue” is going to charge you such a huge proportion of your budget, don’t hire the venue! It is just a location, and you’re only using it for a day.

Sarah1234 said :

People do it to themselves. Hire a celebrant, have a garden party. Or have a cocktail party with top notch never-ending hand foods as a reception. That way you actually get to mingle and talk to everyone instead of having a stupid cookiecutter setup where the bride and groom sit separate to their guests, and have to grapple with the logistics of seating plans, hire cars, crockery, chairs, guests looking enviously at the plate served to the person next to them, and all the other wedding industry bullshit young couples are convinced they have to have.

And then put up with the moaning from your guests about your cheap ass wedding.

1. As I said, keeping up with the Joneses is expensive. But it is a choice.
2. Most of the posters on here seem to be saying that the wedding is about the bride and groom. So they get to decide how much money they waste on it.

I had a wedding for under $1000. Most of that was spent on beers for the after party.

I do enjoy a good wedding. But I couldn’t care less about what food or drinks are served as long as it’s fun.

Postalgeek said :

Lazy I said :

dundle said :

chewy14 said :

Actually, reading these comments makes me worry.
Even a small wedding is going to cost 10k . At a minimum.
I think the average is 30k and that wouldn’t be an outrageously big affair.

Seriously? That’s insane

That sounds pretty spot on to me. You will of course get people claiming they are going to do it for less%u2026 but when they add it up at the end their opinions change.

People do it to themselves. Hire a celebrant, have a garden party. Or have a cocktail party with top notch never-ending hand foods as a reception. That way you actually get to mingle and talk to everyone instead of having a stupid cookiecutter setup where the bride and groom sit separate to their guests, and have to grapple with the logistics of seating plans, hire cars, crockery, chairs, guests looking enviously at the plate served to the person next to them, and all the other wedding industry bullshit young couples are convinced they have to have.

And then put up with the moaning from your guests about your cheap ass wedding.

I once went to this great wedding
Not sure of quite where they were heading
But it was bogan hell
With a damn wishing well
To support the divorce they’d be getting.

It’s our wedding, we don’t give a toss
What you think of both of us
This day for two will diss your marriage
The booze, the band, the Perspex carriage
Bring yourself and bring a buck
But not the person you like to…. dance with.

aceofspades said :

poetix said :

I would really love to read one of these poems. Is anyone prepared to post one?

http://mag.weddingcentral.com.au/weddings/wishing_wells/index.htm

Invitation Script 4 – gave me a good laugh, who would seriously put this on their wedding invitation???

I would :P… if I was to put a stoopid poem on my invite I think I would be this, as tongue in cheek, but Im a fan for letting guests work it out for themselves

poetix said :

‘So if you’d like to fill our well with coins and luck,
please do; but at this wee ‘poem’ don’t chuck,
’cause vomit won’t make a moon of honey,
but it would make our reception smell quite funny.’

That’s more like it. That first one put up was full of disgusting apostophes, too. The whole thing made me bilious.

Why do people feel the need to resort to doggerel when putting the bite on their guests for money? Is it because they’re ashamed at depriving the guests of the fun of buying them a nice gift?

That wishing well thing (yuck) would enable cheap guests to put in an envelope with a very small amount of money in it though, so you could actually come out of it quite well (the guest, that is). And if the party was a good one, give them somewhere convenient to throw up, too.

EvanJames said :

The wedding industry is a rort. The minute you say “wedding”, the price of everything goes up. A big blue dress will suddenly cost 3 times as much if it becomes a white dress. Ditto the catering and flowers. If you run it as a party, suddenly the hot air disappears and the costs deflate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gimiDBAK2wA

Asians traditionally give the “red envelope” as the wedding gift so I never saw this as a problem. I don’t think it’s as vulgar as some people are insinuating – I’d rather say it’s practical…just like how the Chinese eat the whole animal rather than delicate bits and pieces!

Someone did give my parents some glasses which they never used – still sitting in storage after 28 years… IMO a huge waste.

‘So if you’d like to fill our well with coins and luck,
please do; but at this wee ‘poem’ don’t chuck,
’cause vomit won’t make a moon of honey,
but it would make our reception smell quite funny.’

Thank you all for posting the originals.
‘Why this is hell, nor am I out of it.’ (Marlowe)

Die Lefty Scum said :

poetix said :

Shullerina said :

For a wedding I attended years ago, the Maid of Honour emailed all the guests and suggested, if we were so inclined, that we could send her money and she would put it towards a big STA Travel voucher for the couple.

I would assume it was the couple’s idea, but because it came from the Maid of Honour, and wasn’t on the actual invitation, I wasn’t at all put off as I have been by the cutesy poems on invitations asking for cash for their wishing well.

I would really love to read one of these poems. Is anyone prepared to post one?

“We’ve been together a few years now;
we have pots and pans and linen and towels;
we have glasses and toasters, really quite a few;
so instead of more gifts, we suggest this to you;

A wishing well we thought would be great,
(But only if you wish to participate),
A gift of money is placed in the well,
Then make a wish …. but shhh don’t tell!

if you’d prefer to give a gift of your own
your present will be most welcome in our home.
now that we’ ve saved all that fuss,
we’d love you to come and celebrate with us.

Don’t give up your day job. That’s awful

poetix said :

Shullerina said :

For a wedding I attended years ago, the Maid of Honour emailed all the guests and suggested, if we were so inclined, that we could send her money and she would put it towards a big STA Travel voucher for the couple.

I would assume it was the couple’s idea, but because it came from the Maid of Honour, and wasn’t on the actual invitation, I wasn’t at all put off as I have been by the cutesy poems on invitations asking for cash for their wishing well.

I would really love to read one of these poems. Is anyone prepared to post one?

http://watsonswishingwells.com/page/poems.html

Go nuts.

poetix said :

Shullerina said :

For a wedding I attended years ago, the Maid of Honour emailed all the guests and suggested, if we were so inclined, that we could send her money and she would put it towards a big STA Travel voucher for the couple.

I would assume it was the couple’s idea, but because it came from the Maid of Honour, and wasn’t on the actual invitation, I wasn’t at all put off as I have been by the cutesy poems on invitations asking for cash for their wishing well.

I would really love to read one of these poems. Is anyone prepared to post one?

“We’ve been together a few years now;
we have pots and pans and linen and towels;
we have glasses and toasters, really quite a few;
so instead of more gifts, we suggest this to you;

A wishing well we thought would be great,
(But only if you wish to participate),
A gift of money is placed in the well,
Then make a wish …. but shhh don’t tell!

if you’d prefer to give a gift of your own
your present will be most welcome in our home.
now that we’ ve saved all that fuss,
we’d love you to come and celebrate with us.

poetix said :

I would really love to read one of these poems. Is anyone prepared to post one?

http://mag.weddingcentral.com.au/weddings/wishing_wells/index.htm

Invitation Script 4 – gave me a good laugh, who would seriously put this on their wedding invitation???

I’ve been to some interesting weddings over the years and regarding the inviting a partner, it most def depends on their relationship.

I had been with my boyfriend for 3 years when only he was invited to a close friends wedding. I socialized with the couple on a regular basis and was quite insulted that I wasn’t invited. Turned out it was due to lack of space. Fair enough. Dont really care since I’m no longer with th boyfriend or associating with that couple.

However on another end of the scale. A couple that I know only invited a dozen or so friends to their wedding. The rest was about 50 family members, most who the bride or groom had either never met or only met once in their life.

Now I plan on eloping in Vegas if I ever get married but if I’m forced to have a wedding. I wouldnt hesitate to invite someone’s LONG TERM partner over a relative I don’t have regular contact with.

poetix said :

Shullerina said :

For a wedding I attended years ago, the Maid of Honour emailed all the guests and suggested, if we were so inclined, that we could send her money and she would put it towards a big STA Travel voucher for the couple.

I would assume it was the couple’s idea, but because it came from the Maid of Honour, and wasn’t on the actual invitation, I wasn’t at all put off as I have been by the cutesy poems on invitations asking for cash for their wishing well.

I would really love to read one of these poems. Is anyone prepared to post one?

Thanks to a quick goggle search, but you get the idea :

Our home is quite complete now,
We’ve been together long.
So please consider our request,
And do not take us wrong.
A delicate request it is,
We hope you understand.
Please play along, as it will give
Our married life a hand.

The tradition of the wishing well,
Is one that’s known by all.
Go to the well, toss in a coin
And as the coin does fall.
Make a wish upon that coin,
And careful as you do.
Cause as the well’s tradition goes,
Your wishes will come true.

So on this special day or ours,
The day that we’ll be wed.
Don’t hunt for special gifts
But give money is it’s stead.
And as you drop the envelope,
With money great and small,
Remember, make your wish
As you watch your money fall.

Shullerina said :

For a wedding I attended years ago, the Maid of Honour emailed all the guests and suggested, if we were so inclined, that we could send her money and she would put it towards a big STA Travel voucher for the couple.

I would assume it was the couple’s idea, but because it came from the Maid of Honour, and wasn’t on the actual invitation, I wasn’t at all put off as I have been by the cutesy poems on invitations asking for cash for their wishing well.

I would really love to read one of these poems. Is anyone prepared to post one?

For a wedding I attended years ago, the Maid of Honour emailed all the guests and suggested, if we were so inclined, that we could send her money and she would put it towards a big STA Travel voucher for the couple.

I would assume it was the couple’s idea, but because it came from the Maid of Honour, and wasn’t on the actual invitation, I wasn’t at all put off as I have been by the cutesy poems on invitations asking for cash for their wishing well.

The wedding industry is a rort. The minute you say “wedding”, the price of everything goes up. A big blue dress will suddenly cost 3 times as much if it becomes a white dress. Ditto the catering and flowers. If you run it as a party, suddenly the hot air disappears and the costs deflate.

Those sit-down meals served 50/50 are terrible… can anyone remember enjoying one? What about a buffet, or a Melbourne Cup style thing with BBQ chooks and good salads? And who cares if the chairs have dresses on, and bows?

People will enjoy a relaxed party with nice food more than a stiff, faux-formal sad attempt at hollywood glamour. This princess-for-a-day thing has got way out of control.

OpenYourMind said :

Postalgeek said :

People do it to themselves. Hire a celebrant, have a garden party. Or have a cocktail party with top notch never-ending hand foods as a reception. That way you actually get to mingle and talk to everyone instead of having a stupid cookiecutter setup where the bride and groom sit separate to their guests, and have to grapple with the logistics of seating plans, hire cars, crockery, chairs, guests looking enviously at the plate served to the person next to them, and all the other wedding industry bullshit young couples are convinced they have to have.

Agree totally. We had what I consider a really successful wedding and the total cost was <$11k. We went for a sit down dinner with buffet, because we can't stand those expensive weddings that still do the stupid chicken one person, steak the next, chicken the next – just feels like an aeroplane meal, but at $100 per head!

The other big secret for us was not to use the 'w' word. As soon as you say the word wedding, there goes your budget!

So you’re saying that it cost you ~10k? which was the price suggested by chewy14 in the first place.. that PostalGeek seemed to think was high?

Have any rioters organised a wedding in the last 6 months for well under 10k and keen to share the details?

Postalgeek said :

People do it to themselves. Hire a celebrant, have a garden party. Or have a cocktail party with top notch never-ending hand foods as a reception. That way you actually get to mingle and talk to everyone instead of having a stupid cookiecutter setup where the bride and groom sit separate to their guests, and have to grapple with the logistics of seating plans, hire cars, crockery, chairs, guests looking enviously at the plate served to the person next to them, and all the other wedding industry bullshit young couples are convinced they have to have.

Agree totally. We had what I consider a really successful wedding and the total cost was <$11k. We went for a sit down dinner with buffet, because we can't stand those expensive weddings that still do the stupid chicken one person, steak the next, chicken the next – just feels like an aeroplane meal, but at $100 per head!

The other big secret for us was not to use the 'w' word. As soon as you say the word wedding, there goes your budget!

Mysteryman said :

MissChief said :

Sorry Calamity, however you try to package it, it’s still disrespectful and discouteous to guests and bad advice to be giving.

No, it isn’t. I think you need to understand that the wedding isn’t about YOU. It’s about the bride and groom. It costs them a lot of money and if they shouldn’t feel like they need to invite partners they don’t know just to keep people like you happy.

Then there are the people who have different “partners” every few months… I’m not suggesting you’re one of those people, but, you know…

Yeah, thinking this over, in my case the ‘partners’ were in fact ‘boyfriends’ – some old, some new (some borrowed…?) – so no, I didn’t feel that some random boyfriend who could be gone in a few months should come before Aunty Kath.

I suppose if it is somebody’s husband/partner whom they’ve been with for 10 years the case may be different.

MissChief said :

Sorry Calamity, however you try to package it, it’s still disrespectful and discouteous to guests and bad advice to be giving.

No, it isn’t. I think you need to understand that the wedding isn’t about YOU. It’s about the bride and groom. It costs them a lot of money and if they shouldn’t feel like they need to invite partners they don’t know just to keep people like you happy.

Then there are the people who have different “partners” every few months… I’m not suggesting you’re one of those people, but, you know…

Lazy I said :

dundle said :

chewy14 said :

Actually, reading these comments makes me worry.
Even a small wedding is going to cost 10k . At a minimum.
I think the average is 30k and that wouldn’t be an outrageously big affair.

Seriously? That’s insane

That sounds pretty spot on to me. You will of course get people claiming they are going to do it for less%u2026 but when they add it up at the end their opinions change.

People do it to themselves. Hire a celebrant, have a garden party. Or have a cocktail party with top notch never-ending hand foods as a reception. That way you actually get to mingle and talk to everyone instead of having a stupid cookiecutter setup where the bride and groom sit separate to their guests, and have to grapple with the logistics of seating plans, hire cars, crockery, chairs, guests looking enviously at the plate served to the person next to them, and all the other wedding industry bullshit young couples are convinced they have to have.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2011-09-26/couples-spending-36000-on-weddings/2943024

Average cost of a wedding is now $36k.

I pretty much ignore anything that is said regarding presents on invites. Most people agree its really about spending the time and sharing the moment with the people you love in your life.

In the past I’ve given couples a voucher for me to frame their wedding photos, or bought them a gift I know they needed. Also for the couple that has everything, a donation to a charity in their name works wonders. After all they have everything they need (in my experience they often have the bare essentials or a lot of second hand stuff and within months of the wedding buy new stuff), a donatioon to those who don’t have everything they need should make them happy.

Its rude to ask for money, its rude to not to bring a gift. I do whatever I feel is right for the couple in question (everything except money and vouchers). My friends know this, they may have complained but we are all still friends.

dundle said :

chewy14 said :

Actually, reading these comments makes me worry.
Even a small wedding is going to cost 10k+. At a minimum.
I think the average is 30k and that wouldn’t be an outrageously big affair.

Seriously? That’s insane

That sounds pretty spot on to me. You will of course get people claiming they are going to do it for less… but when they add it up at the end their opinions change.

Apologies if someone has said this before in the previous 80-something comments, but if you make it totally their choice: wishing well cash or present or some other token (e.g. a voucher to provide their own personal services in their area of expertise — I’d kill for a secretary/admin person right now) then that takes the pressure off and makes everyone happy.

my two bob’s worth….

I too cringe when I see the dreaded request, usually in bad poetry format, it puts pressure on to not appear stingy and give more in cash than I would have spent on a gift.

Having said that, the last two weddings I attended, interstate (extended family) both requested cash – for the first I also bought a tacky gift (bugger them, half the joy of receiving a tacky gift is for it to be the talking point ‘remember ol’ aunty so and so, she bought us that ugly thing). The second I was very proud of myself and gave cash in the currency of the country they were visiting for their honeymoon. I’m yet to receive a thank you note from either young couple.

It can be done tastefully I think, but do it considerately, provide non-cash options and please, send a thank you note!

My time will come, the (that’s his tv on my finger!) ring has bought him another two years of engagement…I’d much rather elope and save everyone all the fuss!

Good luck whatever you do 🙂

“If we can’t sort this out then we may not have to worry about a wedding at all.”

Everything else aside, if this is enough to break off your wedding, perhaps the real purpose of this arguement is to enable you both to dodge this bullet.

Having said all that, if, one yer from now, whether you had a wishing well at your wedding is going to matter, you’re doing it wrong.

As a compromise, just have a gift registry – Just not at Myers like we did!

chewy14 said :

Actually, reading these comments makes me worry.
Even a small wedding is going to cost 10k+. At a minimum.
I think the average is 30k and that wouldn’t be an outrageously big affair.

If I can cover some of the free grog and food so that the newlyweds aren’t left with a massive bill at the end of it then im happy to do so. In fact, I’d feel like a massive tightarse not doing it. It makes things so much easier for everyone involved and the couple are not left with some useless crap that they don’t need.

I understand weddings cost a great deal, however if you are going to resent that cost, don’t have one. You have control over how much your wedding costs, and seeking to recoup that cost from your guests is just plain embarrassing.

When I was married, I wanted my guests to enjoy a great day with me (at my expense), in gratitude for their place in my life. I also indicated that gifts weren’t expected, however if guests found that awkward, they were welcome to bring a plant to add to our garden. To this day, every time one of those plants flower or burst into leaf in spring, I am reminded of the giver and how much fun we had that day.

chewy14 said :

Actually, reading these comments makes me worry.
Even a small wedding is going to cost 10k+. At a minimum.
I think the average is 30k and that wouldn’t be an outrageously big affair.

Seriously? That’s insane

chewy14 said :

Actually, reading these comments makes me worry.
Even a small wedding is going to cost 10k+. At a minimum.
I think the average is 30k and that wouldn’t be an outrageously big affair.

If I can cover some of the free grog and food so that the newlyweds aren’t left with a massive bill at the end of it then im happy to do so. In fact, I’d feel like a massive tightarse not doing it. It makes things so much easier for everyone involved and the couple are not left with some useless crap that they don’t need.

+1

Actually, reading these comments makes me worry.
Even a small wedding is going to cost 10k+. At a minimum.
I think the average is 30k and that wouldn’t be an outrageously big affair.

If I can cover some of the free grog and food so that the newlyweds aren’t left with a massive bill at the end of it then im happy to do so. In fact, I’d feel like a massive tightarse not doing it. It makes things so much easier for everyone involved and the couple are not left with some useless crap that they don’t need.

Whenever I get an wedding invite, I hope they ask for money. Makes everything easier for me and them. Get with the times.

clp said :

It sounds like you will probably end up with cash anyway as people don’t tend to give George Foreman grills these days unless they are on a registry.

I find the “don’t give us anything” almost as tacky as the “give us X”.

Agreed.

Wow, this topic really rubs some people the wrong way!

As a guest, I am going to get something for the happy couple regardless, so I appreciate some guidance. I would hate to think that I am buying some lovely towels to replace perfectly good towels just because the couple didn’t ask for what they really wanted – cash.

We gave people a choice at our wedding, and the gifts that we did receive were truly special – unique, handmade, and/or keepsakes that we will treasure forever. We were given things we could never have asked for on a registry (thankfully:))

We were also incredibly humbled by the generosity of those who gave us money, and we certainly put it to good use. Perhaps it’s just our circle of friends and family, but they were not offended at all by our request. For many it seemed to be a preferable option to searching for that ‘perfect’ gift.

Wishing wells are commonplace now, I wouldn’t stress too much about it. Perhaps give your guests some free reign and encourage them to bring a gift instead if they choose. Those you know who find wishing wells tacky will be off the hook.

For those who do give you cash, it might be a nice idea to be specific in your thank you note. Rather than saying “thanks for the pineapple” you could tell them what you plan to do with the money, “we’re putting it toward our dream cutlery” or “we blew it on a hideously expensive bottle of champers in the honeymoon suite” 🙂

One of the coolest gifts we received was a beautiful gift box with 100 x $1 coins. We were campervanning for our honeymoon and took the box with us – hello parking meters and laundromats! It was great!

Another gift we received was cash with a card that noted that the money was ONLY to be spent on gambling, alcohol, or bail 🙂 Our honeymoon was far more sedate than that but the thought was there…

In order to actually be helpful to the OP can I suggest don’t include anything and just let your parents handle any inquiries from perplexed relatives. Your friends will do what is the cultural norm for your group of friends anyway.

It sounds like you will probably end up with cash anyway as people don’t tend to give George Foreman grills these days unless they are on a registry.

I find the “don’t give us anything” almost as tacky as the “give us X”.

Just put down that presents are not required and that there is a wishing well if you wish to give something.

As for half the comments here grow up… The day is suppose to be the “happist day of a couples life”. If you don’t want to participate in purchasing gifts or donating to a wishing well for the happy couple, don’t. No one is holding a gun to your head. But is it then right to accept a free meal and booze?

Like it or not, I think giving cash is part of the Australian wedding culture these days. We said nothing of gifts, registrys or wishing wells in our invite and probably 80% of the gifts we received were cash.

OP what are you talking about? “unwanted George Foreman grill” – THEY’RE AMAZING.

For those who ask for money, I trust they’re prepared to refund it when the divorce comes through.

I recently turned down a wedding invitation because of the cost of attending. Travel, accomodation, an expectation that we would dress in theme colours (hence new clothes), $100 payment required to attend the rehearsal dinner the night before, then the request to contribute cash towards the honeymoon. Oh, and $50 for the recovery function the day after.

Yeah, I don’t think so.

We sent flowers and an apology.

Im genuinely surprised reading the comments about how presumptuous or tacky to expect a gift- money or otherwise. Maybe its a cultural thing.. I never think twice about bringing a gift to an event like a wedding, nor do I question the motive of the couple! In non-anglo cultures the caring and sharing thing is just expected- often the gifts are extravagant- in proportion to the extravagance and cost of the wedding. Its just normal and expected . Im sorry but having lived in other cultures its apparent that non-anglos are more generous with food and hospitality and the guests reciprocate without being petty, tight and judgemental. Its a wedding bring a gift, its a dinner party- bring a gift- if you return an empty plate- return it with something in it- its called being WARM.

Watson said :

So some here argue that if they choose to organise an expensive wedding they expect their guests to pay for it?

I don’t know what a celebrant costs these days, but I doubt it’s more than a few hundred bucks. All the rest is optional.

Keeping up with the Joneses is expensive. Deal with it.

Try $500 standard rate celebrant, $2000 minimum photographer, $6000+food and drinks…

Geez, I’m glad I’m not having to invite any of the negative nancys here to a wedding. Obviously most couples do not get married just to get presents. If you have already lived together then you do not need toasters or towels so a wishing well is a way people can show you that they are happy for you and want to contribute to your future together – that should be the sentiment. If you don’t want to contribute, don’t – and if the couple invited you then they actually like you and wouldn’t want to think you are whining about being part of their special day.

So some here argue that if they choose to organise an expensive wedding they expect their guests to pay for it?

I don’t know what a celebrant costs these days, but I doubt it’s more than a few hundred bucks. All the rest is optional.

Keeping up with the Joneses is expensive. Deal with it.

MissChief said :

Calamity said :

jakez said :

MissChief said :

jakez said :

MissChief said :

Gift registries so much worse than wishing wells.

In my mind, the most bogan disrespectful discourteous thing that happens with weddings these days is when friends are invited but their partners are not. I just find the whole idea of being invited to a celebration of love and unity without your significant other mean spirited.

Yeah sucks when someone the bride and groom don’t know isn’t invited to their wedding at a cost of $100+. RUDE!

Yes, Jakez, RUDE! Because it shouldn’t be about money. Inviting someone’s wife/ husband/ fiancé/ boyfriend/ girlfriend along, whether you know them or not, is just common courtesy and even more relevant when you’re inviting them to an event which is about partners.

If you can’t afford to invite a friend’s partner to your swanky affair, better to invite less people or have a less swanky affair. It’s the decent thing to do.

Actually I think you’ll find it is an event about one particular couple, not every single couple in existence. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just about the money. It’s about spending money inviting someone I don’t know to witness my marriage. I’m happy to do it in some circumstances but it shouldn’t be considered a given.

If you can’t afford to invite a friend’s partner, invite the friend. If they want to get upset about it then they can not come. That is their choice.

But no it is cute that you can’t go to any social event without your partner. Your commitment is really impressive.

I have been telling my bride friends not to feel like they need to invite everyone’s partners. If it’s somebody travelling interstate who won’t know many people, it’s best to invite their partner – but for the Canberrans who know almost everyone at the wedding anyway, I think it’s a bit crazy to invite somebody you don’t know at all to your wedding if it means having to cull the people you do know.

Sorry Calamity, however you try to package it, it’s still disrespectful and discouteous to guests and bad advice to be giving.

Bugger. I wasn’t trying to package it – I just honestly thought it was silly to invite people you have never met if it meant that Aunty Kath would get booted from the guest list. Anywho – I most definitely won’t give out that advice in future then (or any advice, I think – plainly, I know nothing of wedding etiquette!). But seriously – when my time rolls around, I’ll be inviting people I know as first priority.

Shanski_0 said :

My partner and I are getting married next February too.. And we are having a wishing well.. I see nothing wrong with asking for money, My partner and I have lived together for 6 years, we have everything we need.

The money we get will go towards our honeymoon, and our savings account for a house.

That comment makes no sense.

Anyway OP I’m not too familiar with weddings but don’t see a lot of registries/wishing wells. Unless the couple just moved in together or are having a kid I don’t like registries. I know it’s useful so you don’t get crap you don’t want (and people don’t feel bad not knowing what to choose) but something about them seem incredibly tacky to me. Especially when they’re full of crazy expensive stuff.

The last wedding I got invited to asked for charity donations in lieu of gifts (the couple did already live together) – I did the charity thing and was told afterwards only a few people did, most people ignored it and gave gifts or cash anyway. (They had a very low key BYO wedding though so it’s not like you’d be paying them back for the cost, which I know is how some people see wedding gifts.) I don’t think the wedding before that had any mention of gifts and I think people just brought small things without being asked.

So basically it seems whatever you do you’ll offend somebody, but in general avoid asking for expensive registry gifts/cash and you won’t offend the majority.

I’m with you, Skidd. Regardless of whether wishing wells are normal and acceptable, they’re still just a way for a middle class couple (who, by definition, are in the top 5% of the world’s population for earnings) to beg for money they don’t need. If you can afford to have a wedding with guests at it, then you don’t need any more money, now, do you?! Plus it’s inconvenient. A BSB and account number on the invitation doesn’t mean a visit to an ATM for those of us who don’t carry cash, and it’s just as crass! (Yes, I have seen a BSB and account number on an invitation!)

I still think it’s the thought that counts. If you do all the thinking yourselves and don’t let the givers do the thinking, they haven’t given you a gift at all; you’ve given yourself a gift using someone else’s money (same applies to wish lists). So I say let your guests think about the gift themselves. That way it actually counts as a gift, and not just a transfer of funds.

It’s not old fashioned to say it’s the thought that counts; it’s old-fashioned (a hang-up of the 20th century) to be so caught up in materialism that you focus on the etiquette of gift giving rather than the simple joy of giving something to someone. Giving should make you feel good. If someone will feel good about giving you money, let them do it. If someone wants to knit you matching jumpers, let them do it! If a group of people want to go shopping together and buy you five identical toasters, how long will you remember those people and their hilarious joke!?!?

There is just no need at all for a couple to prescribe the manner of their guests’ giving. Let them decide what they want to give you; you might be more pleasantly surprised than you expect!

Calamity said :

jakez said :

MissChief said :

jakez said :

MissChief said :

Gift registries so much worse than wishing wells.

In my mind, the most bogan disrespectful discourteous thing that happens with weddings these days is when friends are invited but their partners are not. I just find the whole idea of being invited to a celebration of love and unity without your significant other mean spirited.

Yeah sucks when someone the bride and groom don’t know isn’t invited to their wedding at a cost of $100+. RUDE!

Yes, Jakez, RUDE! Because it shouldn’t be about money. Inviting someone’s wife/ husband/ fiancé/ boyfriend/ girlfriend along, whether you know them or not, is just common courtesy and even more relevant when you’re inviting them to an event which is about partners.

If you can’t afford to invite a friend’s partner to your swanky affair, better to invite less people or have a less swanky affair. It’s the decent thing to do.

Actually I think you’ll find it is an event about one particular couple, not every single couple in existence. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just about the money. It’s about spending money inviting someone I don’t know to witness my marriage. I’m happy to do it in some circumstances but it shouldn’t be considered a given.

If you can’t afford to invite a friend’s partner, invite the friend. If they want to get upset about it then they can not come. That is their choice.

But no it is cute that you can’t go to any social event without your partner. Your commitment is really impressive.

I have been telling my bride friends not to feel like they need to invite everyone’s partners. If it’s somebody travelling interstate who won’t know many people, it’s best to invite their partner – but for the Canberrans who know almost everyone at the wedding anyway, I think it’s a bit crazy to invite somebody you don’t know at all to your wedding if it means having to cull the people you do know.

Sorry Calamity, however you try to package it, it’s still disrespectful and discouteous to guests and bad advice to be giving.

I loathe gift registries, ugh. Venial, greedy… it feels like you are being invited so as to provide the couple with inventory. It’s like they’re charging admission. Actually I’ve know some young people to do that! They just didn’t get it. Wanted the full wedding thing but held it in a public place that didn’t cost anything, still had the giant dress and 50,000 bridesmaids/groomsmen, issued a list of presents people were to buy them, AND wanted people to pre-purchase their reception dinners. It was shudderingly embarassing.

What the hell is a wishing well? I bet it’s awful.

We got married to commit to each other publically – we had the wedding to keep everyone else happy. I guess that’s the problem, relatives and friends have expectations and the reality is that they cost a lot to meet. I’d rather have spent the money on the mortgage but don’t really want to deal with the fall out forever. A wishing well is a good way to show a little respect to your hosts. And bitching about it just shows poor manners.

jakez said :

MissChief said :

jakez said :

MissChief said :

Gift registries so much worse than wishing wells.

In my mind, the most bogan disrespectful discourteous thing that happens with weddings these days is when friends are invited but their partners are not. I just find the whole idea of being invited to a celebration of love and unity without your significant other mean spirited.

Yeah sucks when someone the bride and groom don’t know isn’t invited to their wedding at a cost of $100+. RUDE!

Yes, Jakez, RUDE! Because it shouldn’t be about money. Inviting someone’s wife/ husband/ fiancé/ boyfriend/ girlfriend along, whether you know them or not, is just common courtesy and even more relevant when you’re inviting them to an event which is about partners.

If you can’t afford to invite a friend’s partner to your swanky affair, better to invite less people or have a less swanky affair. It’s the decent thing to do.

Actually I think you’ll find it is an event about one particular couple, not every single couple in existence. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just about the money. It’s about spending money inviting someone I don’t know to witness my marriage. I’m happy to do it in some circumstances but it shouldn’t be considered a given.

If you can’t afford to invite a friend’s partner, invite the friend. If they want to get upset about it then they can not come. That is their choice.

But no it is cute that you can’t go to any social event without your partner. Your commitment is really impressive.

No, Jakez, I think it’s your committment that is to be admired. I bet your new wife will be utterly thrilled when you tell her you’ll be going to your next wedding alone, without her! Who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky and pick up.

Another thought is that you could not get married and spend that amount of money on what you want your guests to contribute to (ie holiday, house, etc). It confuses me why people get married when they go on about how much it costs.

I must say that I get annoyed with the presumption that I will provide a gift or cash. It tends to make me feel like I have only been invited so that they get something more off their list or can get a room upgrade on their honeymoon.

Honestly I don’t think I have bought presents for weddings of people who asked for them. More as it stressed me out about what I would buy them and whether or not they would think I was stingy and then it was too late and the only things left where the plasma tvs and it was the day of the wedding.

However, my partner and I try and get something for people even when they tell us not to that is different, thoughtful and not another set of towels or wine glasses. Usually these are particular things I know they want or need or have been board or card games the couple can play together or paid for dinners at nice restaurants for them to celebrate their anniversary or another special day.

So my point is that you will probably get some nice presents anyway (and are more likely to if you’re inviting me) and you won’t stress out your guests or make them think you’re rude.

I was anti wishing well until I got married…I don’t think people realise how expensive weddings are until you have one! A small wedding in Canberra will cost you minimum 15K (if you want to feed your guests and have a celebration that resembles a wedding). If guests expect a sit down meal at a decent venue with drinks they should know that it is probably costing the couple a fair amount per head. It’s not like the old days when the dinner was a simple meal in the church hall. After catering to the demands of family, in-laws, bridesmaids etc. I thought ‘damn right you guys can contribute a small amount to your meals and drinks!’

jakez said :

MissChief said :

jakez said :

MissChief said :

Gift registries so much worse than wishing wells.

In my mind, the most bogan disrespectful discourteous thing that happens with weddings these days is when friends are invited but their partners are not. I just find the whole idea of being invited to a celebration of love and unity without your significant other mean spirited.

Yeah sucks when someone the bride and groom don’t know isn’t invited to their wedding at a cost of $100+. RUDE!

Yes, Jakez, RUDE! Because it shouldn’t be about money. Inviting someone’s wife/ husband/ fiancé/ boyfriend/ girlfriend along, whether you know them or not, is just common courtesy and even more relevant when you’re inviting them to an event which is about partners.

If you can’t afford to invite a friend’s partner to your swanky affair, better to invite less people or have a less swanky affair. It’s the decent thing to do.

Actually I think you’ll find it is an event about one particular couple, not every single couple in existence. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just about the money. It’s about spending money inviting someone I don’t know to witness my marriage. I’m happy to do it in some circumstances but it shouldn’t be considered a given.

If you can’t afford to invite a friend’s partner, invite the friend. If they want to get upset about it then they can not come. That is their choice.

But no it is cute that you can’t go to any social event without your partner. Your commitment is really impressive.

I have been telling my bride friends not to feel like they need to invite everyone’s partners. If it’s somebody travelling interstate who won’t know many people, it’s best to invite their partner – but for the Canberrans who know almost everyone at the wedding anyway, I think it’s a bit crazy to invite somebody you don’t know at all to your wedding if it means having to cull the people you do know.

Ben_Dover said :

Gift registries destroy any concept of creativity, personalising, and surprise. I once gave a mate a cutting from a tree, which I had grown in a pot. It was from a park we played in as kids, in the area we grew up together. He now lives many thousands of K from that place, but has a bit of it growing in his garden. He still thanks me for it. It cost me next to sod all.

I’ll pay that. That’s a quality gift that transcends my rule about cash.

MissChief said :

jakez said :

MissChief said :

Gift registries so much worse than wishing wells.

In my mind, the most bogan disrespectful discourteous thing that happens with weddings these days is when friends are invited but their partners are not. I just find the whole idea of being invited to a celebration of love and unity without your significant other mean spirited.

Yeah sucks when someone the bride and groom don’t know isn’t invited to their wedding at a cost of $100+. RUDE!

Yes, Jakez, RUDE! Because it shouldn’t be about money. Inviting someone’s wife/ husband/ fiancé/ boyfriend/ girlfriend along, whether you know them or not, is just common courtesy and even more relevant when you’re inviting them to an event which is about partners.

If you can’t afford to invite a friend’s partner to your swanky affair, better to invite less people or have a less swanky affair. It’s the decent thing to do.

Actually I think you’ll find it is an event about one particular couple, not every single couple in existence. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just about the money. It’s about spending money inviting someone I don’t know to witness my marriage. I’m happy to do it in some circumstances but it shouldn’t be considered a given.

If you can’t afford to invite a friend’s partner, invite the friend. If they want to get upset about it then they can not come. That is their choice.

But no it is cute that you can’t go to any social event without your partner. Your commitment is really impressive.

Gift registries destroy any concept of creativity, personalising, and surprise. I once gave a mate a cutting from a tree, which I had grown in a pot. It was from a park we played in as kids, in the area we grew up together. He now lives many thousands of K from that place, but has a bit of it growing in his garden. He still thanks me for it. It cost me next to sod all.

jakez said :

MissChief said :

Gift registries so much worse than wishing wells.

In my mind, the most bogan disrespectful discourteous thing that happens with weddings these days is when friends are invited but their partners are not. I just find the whole idea of being invited to a celebration of love and unity without your significant other mean spirited.

Yeah sucks when someone the bride and groom don’t know isn’t invited to their wedding at a cost of $100+. RUDE!

Yes, Jakez, RUDE! Because it shouldn’t be about money. Inviting someone’s wife/ husband/ fiancé/ boyfriend/ girlfriend along, whether you know them or not, is just common courtesy and even more relevant when you’re inviting them to an event which is about partners.

If you can’t afford to invite a friend’s partner to your swanky affair, better to invite less people or have a less swanky affair. It’s the decent thing to do.

Hank said :

I’m getting married within the next few months and have asked for a wishing well; but have said you are not required to bring a gift however if you would like to we have a wishing well.
All weddings I have ever been to (15) have asked for a wishing well, I see no shame in it at all. If I knew a guest I invited to our wedding was bad mouthing us because we put that wishing well card in the invite I would unitive them.
Being a part of the select few to be invited to someone’s wedding should be an honour (that is the way I have seen it) you shouldn’t be bitching about the present you might have to give. If the present is an issue or offends you don’t go and make room for someone who wants to be there.

+ eleventy billion.

People are forgetting that it is actually an honour and a privilege to be invited to a wedding. It shouldn’t matter what the victims – sorry, bride and groom – want, you should genuinely want to give something as a thank-you for letting me share in your day.

In today’s world, I think a wishing-well is entirely acceptable. But I think the option of giving a gift should also be on the table.

Any registry, wishing well, whatever sucks if the couple demand that it be used and there’s no consideration for the guests’ financial circumstances (ie. a registry with only expensive items on it).

It’s all about the attitude/manner in which the suggestion/request is being made, I think.

MissChief said :

Gift registries so much worse than wishing wells.

In my mind, the most bogan disrespectful discourteous thing that happens with weddings these days is when friends are invited but their partners are not. I just find the whole idea of being invited to a celebration of love and unity without your significant other mean spirited.

Yeah sucks when someone the bride and groom don’t know isn’t invited to their wedding at a cost of $100+. RUDE!

Firstly there is what is considered good etiquette and then there is what makes logical sense.

In terms of etiquette I think it is clearly a divided topic these days. We can see from a lot of the commenters that the notion that ‘cash is rude’ is still unfortunately very popular. However in the real world I think the split is more favourable to cash being okay. Whether the majority of your guests would think it is rude or okay I have no idea, it would depend entirely on your circle of associates. The one thing you can be certain of is you can not please anyone.

Personally, I find the notion of cash not being okay to be entirely ridiculous. In fact in the vast majority of circumstances, cash is the most thoughtful present anyone can give. Cash says to the person:

“I want to improve your life, and I know that you know yourself better than anyone else knows you. My only desire is to give you a gift so I will give you cash. You can then deploy this cash in the most utility maximising way possible.”

A gift of a toaster says at best:

“I’m an idiot and a slave to illogical social conventions because I have no desire to think things through. A toaster was the best I could come up with. I hope you can find a use for the 4 toasters you have received so far.”

and at worst:

“Well trying was too hard so this seemed like a good stereotypical option”

My fiancee and I included a ‘presents are rubbish so give us cash’ poem with our invitation and (the traditionalists will hate this) bank acct details. This is actually a lot more polite than my original idea which was to include a note the message of which would effectively have been ‘you aren’t expected to give a gift but if you do make it cash. I don’t want to see any towels, that will be taken as a grevious insult. Any gift other than cash will be rejected.”

The reasoning given by yourself and the commenters here as to what is right boils down to little more than ‘it’s the done thing’ or conversely ‘it’s not the done thing’. There’s no actual thought into that kind of etiquette, it is merely dressing up in the court of Louis XIV.

So if all you want to know is ‘what does mindless etiquette dictate’, well your answer is ‘it depends on the person you ask’.

As for those who bought a ‘real’ present out of spite, well I think that shines an unbearable light of truth on the fraud that is the majority of gift giving in our society.

Gift registries are the biggest rip off ever. I hate having to use them as I am the one over paying.

Guests usually insist on giving some sort of gift, so it is nice if you make this easy for them. It is also nice to know the gift you are giving is wanted and will be appreciated.

At my wedding we were happy to get a gift or if they were not sure what to buy us, then a wishing well donation was fine. We got a lovely mix of both.

Hank said :

I’m getting married within the next few months and have asked for a wishing well; but have said you are not required to bring a gift however if you would like to we have a wishing well.
All weddings I have ever been to (15) have asked for a wishing well, I see no shame in it at all. If I knew a guest I invited to our wedding was bad mouthing us because we put that wishing well card in the invite I would unitive them.
Being a part of the select few to be invited to someone’s wedding should be an honour (that is the way I have seen it) you shouldn’t be bitching about the present you might have to give. If the present is an issue or offends you don’t go and make room for someone who wants to be there.

Well said.

Times have changed since all my contemporaries (and I) got married! Our debate was whether it was tacky to have a registry or not. Cash gifts were just not done!

Personally, I think asking for cash is a bit icky – but then, I dislike giving cash and gift vouchers to nieces and nephew, but I know that they’ll buy something they want rather than something I think they want. Putting some money in an envelope and chucking it in a box is like the collection plate at church.

We had a registry at our wedding because people were asking us what we wanted even before the invites went out. A registry answered all questions and we made sure that we had a range of things so that those of our guests who did have to spend money on travelling could buy inexpensive things we liked or needed and didn’t need to wrap the gift and bring it with them.

Rather than a “wishing well”, I’d rather buy a fence paling, house brick, outdoor paver, dinner plate or honeymoon experience than “here’s some money in an envelope for you to pay for my table’s drinks or for the dress that you’re never wearing again”.

I’d prefer that a gift that I give my friends or family on such an occasion was something that they could use and appreciate a bit longer than just one night.

Mysteryman said :

You people certainly are a bitter mob, aren’t you?

Seems to be the way this works – the couple earns themselves a quick couple thousand bucks & the guests earn themselves the right to be bitter.

Calamity said :

Ben_Dover said :

Mate, let her know who’s boss. Now. From the outset.Put your foot down and tell her what is happening, when it will happen, and how it will happen.Or be pussywhipped for ever more. And deserve it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s cute.

Awesome.

Also, wishing wells are tacky and classless, and reek of boganity.

I’m getting married within the next few months and have asked for a wishing well; but have said you are not required to bring a gift however if you would like to we have a wishing well.
All weddings I have ever been to (15) have asked for a wishing well, I see no shame in it at all. If I knew a guest I invited to our wedding was bad mouthing us because we put that wishing well card in the invite I would unitive them.
Being a part of the select few to be invited to someone’s wedding should be an honour (that is the way I have seen it) you shouldn’t be bitching about the present you might have to give. If the present is an issue or offends you don’t go and make room for someone who wants to be there.

You people certainly are a bitter mob, aren’t you?

You’re not too old-fashioned. ‘Gifts not required’ (especially if you’ve got guests travelling) is polite. Anyone who wants to ask you for specific gift suggestions can do so directly.

Wishing wells make me want to collect all the old, small-denomination foreign currency lying around and do a ‘change for good’ envelope donation to your bucket.

Henry82 said :

Nobody said bring nothing, people are arguing whether its appropriate to ask for gifts. Is it ok if i called you up and said “hey wooster come over for dinner on saturday, and bring a $200 bottle of wine”?

“And I’ve attached a list of wines that we find acceptable as a gift because we don’t want to end up with inferior bottles of wine that we won’t drink afterwards.”

wooster said :

If someone invites one to their house for a dinner or birthday celebration, one would be expected to bring a bottle of wine.

Nobody said bring nothing, people are arguing whether its appropriate to ask for gifts. Is it ok if i called you up and said “hey wooster come over for dinner on saturday, and bring a $200 bottle of wine”?

chrissyeldo said :

we created a list of ideas/”things we needed” on the site http://www.thankyou.com.au

$45 to register according to vogue forums. imo a well laid out google docs would look far nicer and wouldn’t look like ebay.

Honestly surprised, if not disguisted by a lot of these responses.

If someone invites one to their house for a dinner or birthday celebration, one would be expected to bring a bottle of wine.

A wedding is far more significant.

I find it bizarre that people query the mindset of the marrying couple – reverse the question: would you feel comfortable turning up to a wedding without a gift?

I can really see more and more why Canberra (and Australia more broadly) is seen as all cash and no class.

Where’s the generosity, stingy buggers?

Gift registries so much worse than wishing wells.

In my mind, the most bogan disrespectful discourteous thing that happens with weddings these days is when friends are invited but their partners are not. I just find the whole idea of being invited to a celebration of love and unity without your significant other mean spirited.

Ben_Dover said :

Mate, let her know who’s boss. Now. From the outset.Put your foot down and tell her what is happening, when it will happen, and how it will happen.Or be pussywhipped for ever more. And deserve it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s cute.

Mate, let her know who’s boss. Now. From the outset.Put your foot down and tell her what is happening, when it will happen, and how it will happen.Or be pussywhipped for ever more. And deserve it.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with a wishing well. Other cultures (like the Chinese) have been giving money at weddings for hundreds/thousands of years. As a guest I would rather give money than have to wander around the shops looking for some crappy present on a registry that fits in with what I can afford.

But if you would rather a present, I’m sure I could get you that teddy bear toilet brush I know you’ve been eyeing off..

We did not want to do a registry but knew that some of guests wanted to give gifts (we were being asked what we wanted before we even set a date) so we added a note in our invitation that our guests attendance was gift enough, however for those that wanted to give us something that we created a list of ideas/”things we needed” on the site http://www.thankyou.com.au

We got lots of good feedback about it – the ideas we gave included vochures from bunnings to help us do some work on a courtyard and cash to help us with renovations, but also specific items and put a real spread of ideas from board games, art (in certain colours), electric drill etc etc

We added specific notes about why we wanted/needed the things and was a fun thing to do

Enjoy the planning!

Holden Caulfield said :

Shanski_0 said :

My partner and I are getting married next February too.. And we are having a wishing well.. I see nothing wrong with asking for money, My partner and I have lived together for 6 years, we have everything we need.

The money we get will go towards our honeymoon, and our savings account for a house.

So, do you, or do you not, have everything you need?

You’re right… screw the wishing well, they can buy us a house!

The weddings I’ve been to in the last few years did not mention gifts at all on the invite. Which actually made me conclude that I was supposed to take one, but I didn’t and felt guilty about it. For a few hours…There was always a table for gifts set up, but I don’t know if everyone or anyone asked the couple what they wanted before they bought it.

If you don’t mind getting some useless presents, just don’t mention it at all and see what happens.

If you really don’t want them to bring anything, I second the idea of nominating a charity to donate money to instead. Those who can afford it will think it would be rude to not respect your wishes, those who can’t will not donate and won’t lie awake about it. At most there may be some mysogynists who thinks you’re only doing it to show off your wealth that allows you to have a wedding without gifts.

Your presence is requested. No presents are requested. But that’s just me. 🙂

Rather than have a wishing well, why not just issue your guests with invoices to re-coup the costs of the wedding. Or alternatively, make your wedding a BYO affair.

You could also provide with the invitations a copy of recent credit card statements, gas bills, mobile phone bills and ask that they directly Bpay your living expenses.

I would say no gifts or $$$ required. But that’s just me. If people choose to give something, they can, and any smart person includes the receipt to take it back if you already have one.

No way in hell would I have ever asked for cash of any sort – especially not for a honeymoon.

Wishing wells are classless and belong next to cupcake towers and ‘trashing the dress’.

I have only been forced down the wishing well road once, and even then I bought a present out of spite.

I went to a wedding recently, and before the night was out one of the relatives was emptying the wishing well into a big garbage bag of loot.. which pretty much summed it up for me.

I don’t think offering a gift registry as an ‘if you would like to buy a present but are stuck for ideas’ option is anywhere near as abrupt or in your face as ‘we want cold hard cash’ wrapped in some poetic bullshit.

If you do decide to offer a registry, it’s good to offer an Australia wide chain (like Myer / DJ’s) as it makes the process far easier for the guests, they can even arrange to ship through the store to avoid having to lug anything down with them if they are travelling. Also make sure that the list is wide and varied with plenty of options across the price ranges.

Shanski_0 said :

My partner and I are getting married next February too.. And we are having a wishing well.. I see nothing wrong with asking for money, My partner and I have lived together for 6 years, we have everything we need.

The money we get will go towards our honeymoon, and our savings account for a house.

So, do you, or do you not, have everything you need?

From a purely etiquette point of view, putting anything about gifts, registries etc on the invite is a big no-no. You put those details in a followup letter along with other important details (e.g., accommodation details that out of towners need).

As for wishing-wells: blergh. They just sound money grubbing.

I sidestepped all that by having a bring-a-plate afternoon reception with no gifts, please.

You know your friends and family better that we could – have any of them done something similar? One of my friends asked people to put in towards their honeymoon (arranged by a travel agent), which seemed less icky than just asking for money in an envelope. I agree with FioBla’s ideas about communication.

jsm2090 said :

If the couple in question couldn’t afford a honeymoon without the donations by guests, this may be acceptable. I’m certainly not stingy, but I took offence at a wedding we attended where the bride & groom, earning $250-300k a year asked us for a specific cash donation. Anything goes these days.

I just don’t understand how people can do this! Truly horrible behaviour. If you can’t afford a honeymoon, you can’t afford one. And for people on this income (or any income) to ask for money shows a total lack of decency and manners.

If this sort of rude request was on an invitation, I would decline the invitation to the wedding, and sever ties with the couple involved. Friends do not treat friends like that.

Why are people asking for any gifts if they already have what they need? A wedding is not like a birthday or christmas, you dont have to get presents.

I like giving gifts, an actual physical object, because then I can choose something I would be happy to own and can imagine the couple using that gift and it contributing to their enjoyment.

But giving cash is a cop out. I have no idea what they will buy, whether I personnally will approve of it (I know, if they are happy why should I care – but its my gift so I do care, selfish as that may be. I’m not made of altruism). It shows no imagination or thought on my part. Cash will be forgotten somewhere, in a bank account at best, and will never be remembered in 2 or 3 years time (‘hey darling, I am making a loan repayment today with the cash that dtc gave us for our wedding three years ago, I’m glad he gave that $50 to us, its made my life so much better’). The picnic set or camp stove or camera flash will be used.

The only time I would give cash would be to a couple who said ‘we want cash to pay for the wedding reception to which you are invited’. At least there is something tangible and I get ‘something out of it’.

If you can’t afford a honeymoon, skimp on the wedding and use that money. Do people now days seriously expect a full wedding with reception? Most people would be happy to see the ceremony and maybe a few cocktails in a garden or something, especially if you explained the details. Heck, most of my friends have done this (and perhaps then invited just their close family to a proper meal) and I have had a great time.

My caveat to the above – I know there are countries with traditions of giving cash at weddings rather than gifts, in which case go for it.

Don’t ask anything more of your guests than to come along and enjoy your special day. I reckon you get far more genuine well wishes (and good pressies) than the requests for money and specific gifts.
I’m siding with you!

Emphasise that there is no obligation/requirement to bring a gift, even one in cash, but that gifts will be accepted. Which I think expresses what you are trying to say. You don’t have to put “gifts should be in cash” if you don’t want to, because sometimes that part is all some people remember. Attendees also want to know what is expected on the day.

I’ve been to many weddings, and anything monetary may seem awkward. But like most forms of communication, approaching it directly seems to work. Have a good time.

sarahsarah said :

I am in the same boat (getting married in March) but we’ve pretty much decided to put something on the invite along the lines of: Gifts not required however if you want to contribute there will be a wishing well on the day. Haven’t settled on wording yet, but something like that.

We don’t expect gifts, but there are people who always want to give you something so it covers them. Besides, we’ve lived together 7 years – pretty sure we are covered for toasters and kettles by now. It doesn’t have to be some tacky well-shaped structure that’s bigger than Ben Hur; a simple wooden box would do the trick.

Personally I hate gift registries (reeks of presumption to me) and much prefer to give cash so I guess people swing both ways!

I have also heard of people forgoing the gifts/wishing wells altogether and having people just pay for half the cost of their dinner or whatever. Now there’s no way I would do that!

What!? So a no-obligation list of things you actually need (gift registry) is presumptious – where a demand for cash is not?? Please!

I think it is definitely tacky to ask for money for a wedding, particularly if you expect people to travel and pay accommodation to attend your wedding. I recently attended a wedding and we didn’t give a gift as we knew the couple would waste the money and we had to pay for our costs.

If you do want to add something to your invitation, then as suggested previously add a line about a gift registry or an donations to a particular account can be made but it is optional (cousins of mine set up one for their landscaping of their new house but it was optional as everyone had to travel for their wedding).

Weddings are meant to be about celebrating a couple’s new life together not about the presents or getting your money back that you spent on other people’s events, you had a choice on whether or not to participate in theirs and if you don’t want to spend so much money on your wedding, then you don’t have to make it so expensive. My wedding cost me under $1000 and I know help others research suppliers in Canb that can offer them cheaper ways of doing their weddings and events.

You both have to feel comfy about what you put out their to your attendees and what you plan for your day.

I specifically put that gifts were not required on our (home made) invites. We certainly had a wedding on a budget – because we had to and we weren’t willing to start “married life” in more debt than we were already in! And it made it all the more nicer when people genuinely wanted to buy us things. We did get some cash, and it did help with our post wedding holiday. Equally, we had no photographer, and relied solely on family snapshots – a family member put together an album, no music – shock horror people talked to each other instead and communal tables to negate who sat where and next to whom.

In this day and age where people have to come from far and wide it is their presence to witness and be part of your “special day” that is the important thing. I always felt that getting married was a deeply personal thing and that I didn’t need or want to be rewarded for it after two years of living together.

I now look at everything we received by way of gifts and remember that they were for our wedding. Makes them much more important, even if they were small.

If you’re asking what the etiquette is, then in a nutshell it’s rude to direct your guests’ gift-giving in any way. In the positive or the negative. Having said that, we had a registry at DJs.

I am in the same boat (getting married in March) but we’ve pretty much decided to put something on the invite along the lines of: Gifts not required however if you want to contribute there will be a wishing well on the day. Haven’t settled on wording yet, but something like that.

We don’t expect gifts, but there are people who always want to give you something so it covers them. Besides, we’ve lived together 7 years – pretty sure we are covered for toasters and kettles by now. It doesn’t have to be some tacky well-shaped structure that’s bigger than Ben Hur; a simple wooden box would do the trick.

Personally I hate gift registries (reeks of presumption to me) and much prefer to give cash so I guess people swing both ways!

I have also heard of people forgoing the gifts/wishing wells altogether and having people just pay for half the cost of their dinner or whatever. Now there’s no way I would do that!

My partner and I are getting married next February too.. And we are having a wishing well.. I see nothing wrong with asking for money, My partner and I have lived together for 6 years, we have everything we need.

The money we get will go towards our honeymoon, and our savings account for a house.

Just because something has become the norm doesn’t make it alright. Rise above and be better than the crass bogues shamelessly begging for your cash. So you make a few quid from the wishing well? Whoop-de-flamin-do – what price do you put on your dignity?

This is starting to sound like Xmas with my family, where everyone exchanges gift cards of equal value…

Calamity said :

I’m surprised to read that most people have said asking for cash is wrong – almost every wedding I’ve been to the couple has asked for cash.
I don’t like that, but I also completely see why they do it. Most couples have been living together for years already and are already completely set up, so they don’t want new household items but they do want a honeymoon/a house deposit.

And sadly, I completely see where your bride is coming from with the ‘I want my money back!!’ comment. I have given so much bloody money to other people for their weddings that when I finally get married I sort of feel like I HAVE to ask for cash just to get back the thousands of dollars I’ve given other people over the years! Bloody stupid system.

I’d like to add that I still think a better system would be for people to purchase ‘tickets’ to your wedding. I realise that sounds horrific and will never catch on – but it makes so much sense!!! Instead of all this money being thrown around haphazardly and leaving pretty much everyone feeling resentful, you would just be paying for your seat at the reception…. No? 🙁

You don’t ask for a gift or cash -you give people the option and then can give them suggestions such as a gift registry or a wishing well – although I think a giving tree is much nicer

I’m 100% with you. A wedding is NOT about cashing in or claiming what you are theoretically owed. If claiming money back is your main priority you really have to ask why you’re getting married at all.

There’s only one thing worse that a wishing well in my book – and that’s paying for the couple’s honeymoon. Hey – we did you the favour of inviting you to our modest wedding, so now do us the favour of paying for our luxurious holiday, jerks.

Have also been to a post-wedding celebration where the bride could not stop talking about how pissed she was that nobody bought the plasma TV off the gift registry. Have never looked at her the same way since.

I could go on….

I’m surprised to read that most people have said asking for cash is wrong – almost every wedding I’ve been to the couple has asked for cash.
I don’t like that, but I also completely see why they do it. Most couples have been living together for years already and are already completely set up, so they don’t want new household items but they do want a honeymoon/a house deposit.

And sadly, I completely see where your bride is coming from with the ‘I want my money back!!’ comment. I have given so much bloody money to other people for their weddings that when I finally get married I sort of feel like I HAVE to ask for cash just to get back the thousands of dollars I’ve given other people over the years! Bloody stupid system.

I much prefer to give cash, it makes me much more comfortable drinking your booze and asking for seconds.

Wishing wells are a great idea. They also keep me away from shopping malls and the present fits in my top pocket.

If the couple in question couldn’t afford a honeymoon without the donations by guests, this may be acceptable. I’m certainly not stingy, but I took offence at a wedding we attended where the bride & groom, earning $250-300k a year asked us for a specific cash donation. Anything goes these days.

I agree with BKW (#1) on this one. A family friend got married recently, on their wish-list was a stainless steel fridge with a tv.

Middle-ground would be leaving a list with parents or something, don’t make reference to it, unless anyone asks. Thats the way i’d solve the problem anyway

You’re absolutely right. Asking for anything is tacky and asking for cash is like a huge neon sign saying “I’M THE KING OF THE BOGANS”.

Not familiar with the concept of wishing well, is that just a new name for a gift registry?

Prior to getting married I thought gift registries were a bit naff, but when considering it from a different angle I thought it at least gave people an idea of what we might like/need.

From memory our invitation made a comment along the lines of “Should you choose, a gift registry is available at…” That is, we had no expectation for people to use the list. If they did, great; if not, no dramas.

If you start demanding such or, worse, asking for cash, then I’d be inclined to say GAGF.

Beserk Keyboard Warrior said :

Whenever I get a wedding invite with a wishing well it make me want to give them a $15 toaster from Target just out of spite. I really do lose respect for them.

+1 I’m not big on wishing wells at all. Think it’s rather tacky. For our wedding we had a gift registry at DJs so we picked what we wanted and when we did get double ups we were able to return them to DJs and get vouchers for the value of them to buy other things off the list that we didn’t get. Made it clear though that we didn’t mind one way or the other if people gave a gift but gave them the option of buying one if they wanted to.

Was also good because guests from o/s and interstate who couldn’t make it and wanted to buy something could order over the net and have it delivered.

Another option if your fiance is keen on the $$ is some websites that allow guests to give you a virtual gift like you nominate funding your honeymoon and they can give you $$$ towards a massage or tour or something like that

The first question, is whether you actually need anything at all? It’s rarely like the old days, when wedding gifts would help a couple to set up their first home together. If you don’t need anything, then letting guests know you have all you need and gifts aren’t necessary / nominating a charity they can donate to, can be a whole lot less stress.

My wife and I did ask for gifts of money when we got married, to go towards our honeymoon. We genuinely couldn’t have afforded to go on one otherwise, and had enough to go on a nice domestic trip. We also used every cent that was given to us for the trip.

On our invitations, we didn’t do one of those tacky poems – which I’ve always thought were only used because the couple were too embarassed to just come out and ask. We had a simple line in there, saying that if people wished to give a gift, that a donation to go towards our honeymoon would be appreciated.

Some close family wished to give an actual gift, which was fine with us, and those gifts were things we needed, and use to this day.

Personally, I feel that just asking for cash for the sake of it is tacky. If you do go down that path, I’d suggest nominating something substantial that your guests are contributing towards. If you do that though, make damn sure that you actually follow through, and use that money for that purpose. We have given money to go towards a honeymoon in the past, and the couple didn’t ever go on one. Pretty sure that money got pissed away on pokies and booze…now that’s tacky!

I think asking for anything is appalling. Not borderline rude, but over-the-border rude. So what if other people do it? They probably also park in disabled spaces or give people the finger when driving home in their 4WDs to (insert suburb name).

There is also the issue of turning what should be a celebration of love into a grab for shiny things. So what if someone gives you something you don’t like? I’m sure a charity would appreciate it.

To even think of doing this shows how vulgarity is becoming the norm in our society.

Whenever I get a wedding invite with a wishing well it make me want to give them a $15 toaster from Target just out of spite. I really do lose respect for them.